They Stumbled Toward Ecstasy
by g33kg1rl
Summary: They make a great team - both as colleagues and lovers. The work is intense, the sex is amazing; but Donatello is hiding something, refusing Raphael the one thing that should be so easy to give at this point. What happened to him? Tcest Raph/Don, Leo/Mike
1. Taped Back Together

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the turtles - I'm doing this purely for my own creative licensing and for the few out there who enjoy this.

**Warning: **This is **Turtlecest** - if you don't like the idea of the boys kissing and doing each other, _DON'T READ. _Normally I don't care enough about flames or whining to even respond - but this story for some reason is special to me. Now, you have been warned, if you read this Turtlecest story, then suck it up and take responsibility for your actions and don't come crying to me. - but if on the off chance you enjoy this, then please drop me a review; I love hearing from people and getting new ideas. :) _so for those who know what they are getting into, enjoy!_

* * *

**They Stumbled Toward Ecstasy**

**By: Melissa the Damgel**

**~1~**

It was supposed to be a simple in and out job. Simple. Hah! What a joke.

Snarling as he kicked the last Foot ninja in the face, Raphael stalked from the warehouse, fire billowing out behind him as one of the tanks blew and was beginning to overheat the trucks next to it. He had about a minute to get out of there before the oil rig blew just to his left, but he had to get the info.

Ripping the hunting knife out of his thigh that one of the Foot managed to stab him with, he stalked up to one of the punks trying to crawl away and he kicked him in the head, sending the man tumbling and smashing into a tank's tire track. Grabbing the man by the front of his black outfit, Raphael jabbed the point of the knife into the man's neck and leaned in close, allowing the Foot ninja to see his reflection in Raphael's helmet. "Where the hell is she?" He demanded in his voice that was rough and raspy, something far too dark to sound purely human. He had suddenly become a true demon to these people and the man he held cried - literally cried - as he choked on blood and tears.

"25th Street. Office building in New York. Floor 94, room 173." He gagged and Raphael threw him away like a ragdoll, ignoring the Foot's scream as he landed in a batch of enflamed gasoline.

He was out of there, calmly walking out of the warehouse on the docks and mounting his motorcycle. As he revved the engine and sent the wheel spinning, the oil tanker within hissed and then exploded and a black cloud of smoke and oil billowed into the air and out across the river, chasing Raphael on his bike like some black and fiery beast from hell.

Swerving out onto the main street and managing to dodge a car and the last of the exploitation and debris at the last moment, Raphael gunned the engine and drove hard and fast, aggressively navigating through the streets of Brooklyn to get to New York.

Pressing a button on his helmet at the same time as driving around a large semi truck, Raphael increased his speed and weaved through the traffic. "Hey, Donnie, ya get all that?"

"I can't believe you blew that place up. Do you have any idea how many innocent peop-"

"What, and ya don't think that little girl is scared out of her mind 'cause o' these guys?" He growled and cut threw an alley once he was off the bridge and once again out on the quieter roads of the huge city. "When did da Foot resort ta kidnappin' and ransom?"

"When we blew up their leader and he was sent to some forever prison on another planet?" Donnie offered in a sarcastic and drawled out tone.

"Whatever." Raph grumbled and darted out into the busy traffic again as he made his way into the upscale portion of town out on 25th street. "Ah shit..." He hissed as he slowed the bike and gazed up at all the buildings. "That punk told me everything but which damn building it was!" He shouted.

"There are only three buildings on the whole street that have numbered floors beyond 90…. And then the room number on that floor…. I'd put money on it being the..." He paused again as he muttered to himself, typing a moment more, "Yeah, try the Whitmore building."

"Got it." Raph gunned it for the last hundred yards and then jumped the curb and skid to a halt in the alley beside the building. He dismounted and got to work scouting the building. "Get me in there Donnie." He growled.

"Underground access. Look for-"

"Got it."

Raphael pulled his ball and chain free behind his back and sent the iron ball into a fast spin before he smashed it down upon the locks, shattering the simple steel clamp and he was inside before Donnie could finish sighing in annoyance - which he smirked at. Donatello hated it when he beat him to the punch line. He'd probably have a huffy Don on his hands once he got home.

"Where do I go now?" He asked as he navigated out of the basement and headed for the stairs.

"Don't go into the main lobby yet Raph, I gotta check to make sure the security system is shut down." Donnie's voice explained in his ear. Raphael sighed and tapped his foot, impatient and annoyed.

"Yeah, I think we got the right building. Every floor has security activated and armed except on floor 94 where a convenient room number of 173 is located. I've managed to disarm the security in the elevators. Can you locate the access door down there in the basement?"

"Elevator? Damn Donnie, ya coulda told me there might be one." He picked his way back through the basement, searching for several minutes - which was annoying because Don was no help and he knew Donatello was still miffed at him for the warehouse thing, and probably the basement access too.

"Raph, look to your left... no... the other left."

"That would be to my right Don. You coulda just told me ta turn around." He grumbled and punched the elevator buttons. He waited for a moment in silence as they both silently complained in their minds about the other. Once the elevator door opened and he stepped inside, punching the floor number in and standing there, now waiting for the agonizing ride upwards.

"Hey Raph..." Don suddenly said, his voice quiet and humbled.

"Don't worry about it Don. Just make sure I get off at the right floor."

There was a small sigh in his ear but he left it at that. As the doors opened, Donnie told him to take a right down the hallway. Moving slowly and cautiously, Raphael inched his way down the hall till he reached the forbidden door number 173.

"Be careful." Donatello ordered even as a hint of desperation tinged his voice.

Not answering him - because he knew it wouldn't help - Raphael reached out and carefully eased the doorknob open and then pushed the door open. The sound of people standing or moving echoed to his ears. There was a moment of complete silence then the ever so faint sound of movement shuffled on the carpet and Raphael knew all he needed. These men too were Foot ninja, not Purple Dragons or hired guns. Drawing his sai he waited till he felt one of them approach the door, then he threw his elbow out and knocked the guy in the stomach and punched him in the face with the hilt of his sai.

The man was down for the count instantly and Raphael darted into the room and threw his sai into the chest of a man near the wall, his fist connected squarely with the third and he jumped, roundhouse kicking the man coming up behind him. It was rather simple really, just four of them total. One dead and three either near death or unconscious. He didn't care, he didn't bother checking. Looking about the room, Raphael slowly combed his way through it, looking for the girl. Eyeing the closet, he jerked it open and found a small bundle on the floor, shaking and crying with her hands tied and her mouth gagged.

Sighing and reaching over to jerk his sai out of the man's chest against the wall and allowing the body to slide down it, Raphael wiped the blade clean on his outfit then knelt by the girl and undid her gag before reaching behind her to saw through the rope. "Hey kid. You okay?"

She whimpered and squeezed her eyes shut as though hoping to hide from him in plain sight.

Raph frowned but he gently picked her up and cradled the nightgown clothed child in his arms as he headed out of the room. She clung to him by the time he reached the elevator and her crying was a bit more in relief than from complete fear. He rode the elevator down, holding her close, and in an awkward moment he would never be able to live down years from now due to Donnie listening in, He lightly patted her back and coughed, "Uh... it's okay hun, you're safe now... Uncle Raphie won't let 'em getcha."

She burrowed against him and sniffled loudly, nodding her head a bit as she wiped her nose on her sleeve. Once the elevator landed in the basement, he was out of the building and once again throwing a leg over his bike and revving the engine. He was out on the street and driving across town and to the upper class suburbia where the kid was kidnapped. She was the daughter of a high ranking politician with a business in foreign trade and commerce. What the Foot wanted was beyond him, but the mere idea that the Foot was that desperate for money to try and kidnap and ransom a kid was as deplorable as anyone got in his book.

Driving down the street and towards her home, Raphael pulled to a halt several houses down and as far from the police cars parked out front as possible. Gently prodding the child in his arms, he managed to get her to look up and see her neighborhood before he straightened up and helped her down. "Go on now, go home. I'm sure yer mum and dad have missed ya as much as you've missed them."

She wiped her eyes and looked at him then hiccupped looked ready to cry again.

"Hey now! No more cryin' get goin'. I'll stop by ta make sure yer safe, got it?" He folded his arms over his chest and gazed down at her, though she couldn't see his face, the child nodded meekly.

Coughing suddenly and fidgeting with his bike, Raphael forced up his gruff exterior once again and barked a, "Go on. Get out of here already." Raph waved her off, coughing again.

The faintest of smiles touched her little white and tired face. "Thanks..." She managed out then turned, running towards her home and past the police cars and up through the grass where she pushed the door open and didn't bother to close it as she shouted, "Mommy!"

Revving the engine, he pushed off and zoomed past her home just as the police and her parents stepped out to figure out what happened.

"You know Raphie that was very sweet."

"Shut up Donnie." He growled and sped up, more than ready to go home and get some sleep.

"But Raphie-"

"Don!"

He snarled and had to endure his laughter all the way home.

* * *

"Damnit, Don, that hurts!" Raphael shouted, about ready to throw something again - though judging by the way Donnie had jabbed the needle into his skin just now, he was still very unhappy with him for throwing his tray of first aid supplies across the room earlier.

"Then hold still!" Donatello snapped at him, glaring right back.

Raphael grunted, huffing a bit as he turned his face again then dared to peek back down and watch Donnie at work as he stitched his stab wound up.

"You're lucky it didn't hit an artery Raph." Donatello's jaw tightened and he focused so hard on his task at hand, that for a moment Raphael wondered if Don was more scared then he had been letting on.

He was silent while Donnie stitched him up and disinfected the wound before wrapping it with clean gauze.

Raph didn't know what to say. What was he supposed to say to him after something like this? They had grown up together and Raph knew sarcasm wouldn't work on Donnie for he could throw it back just as easily - and usually twice as intelligent and thusly something he'd never figure out without a dictionary.

"You need to be more careful." Don scolded in a quiet voice, taping off the bandages and quietly getting started on the smaller cuts and scrapes.

Staring at Donatello as he tried to school his emotions but failing in the faint twitch and tightening of his brow and jaw, Raphael suddenly reached out, taking his wrist and squeezing slightly. "I'm okay."

"This time; but what about next time?" Donnie pointed out, not looking too thrilled about the future prospects.

"Don, this job was different. That kid was involved-"

Donatello interrupted him as he stood suddenly and was staring directly at him, holding onto Raphael's wrist just as tightly as he was holding his. "But I'd rather you live."

Momentarily stunned by the confession, Raphael's mind screeched to a halt and he stared at his brother for several long minutes, unable to find his voice or even a thought process that didn't go beyond 'Me?'.

Looking down and pressing his hands to the tabletop that Raphael sat upon, Donatello inhaled slowly and exhaled in a loud sigh. "I know what we're doing on the side is important. But I also know if Leo found out he'd kill us, and Mikey... he'd probably do something stupid like try and join - wanting to be your sidekick or something." Shaking his head and closing his eyes, He leaned into him, pressing his brow against his chest and lifting a hand to grip at his arm. "Raphie...I can't lose you. We're too young. You can't act like you'll live forever. I'm surprised we've all lived this long after all the reckless stunts we've pulled. Just... no more jumping headfirst into battles anymore. Please."

Staring up at the ceiling and frowning at the cement blocks above him, Raphael took a moment to think over his words.

"Saving that kid was good. You did a good thing by finding her. But it could have gone so horribly wrong..." he trailed off.

Bowing his head and cupping the side of Donatello's face, he urged his brother to look up at him and he offered a faint smile. "I'm too much of a bonehead to die, Donnie. I ain't leavin' ya without a fight." He promised, his voice soft, lilting as he promised him and assured him. Bowing his head that inch further, he kissed his eye and then his cheek. Donatello's breathing had quickened and he stood very still between his legs as though he wasn't willing to move. Resting his free hand upon Don's shoulder, Raphael trailed his fingers down his arm and then back up so he could cup the back of his neck and pull him close. It was a slow kiss, very tender and coaxing.

Don ran his hand up along Raphael's bicep and then around his neck, keeping his kiss gentle though even in the lingering, thoughtful brushes of their lips, there was a heat that was growing behind it. He leaned into him and Raphael leaned back, his hands sliding to his hips and helping Don up onto the table with him. Donnie pushed him backwards, moving with him as he was pressed to the table with Don moving over him and urging the kiss into something else, something deeper and faster, and something that stated what their touches claimed to be.

The lovers began to lose themselves, they buried each other within the other's arms and drowned in their kisses before they gasped for breath and fumbled against the other. Donnie's hand running along Raphael's thigh; Raph's hand gripping his hip and thrusting his tongue into his mouth; Donatello shifting against him and sliding his thighs against him; Raphael moaning and sat up, forcing Donatello down onto his lap; And then they were joined, moving as one, hands running over skin, legs rubbing against sides, kisses slipping and sliding across each other as they stumbled towards ecstasy.

He pulled away and moaned, burying his face against Raphael's neck and shuddering against him, his body moving and arching, meeting his movements and clinging to him for more. Raphael bit his shoulder, panting against him and grunting loudly now and then. It was intense, it was wild, and he shuddered with every plunge. His leg hurt like a bitch and felt like it was on fire, but he ignored it, focusing on the one thing, the one person who needed him more than anything else in the world. He needed him too.

They didn't yell or scream, they didn't moan uncontrollably or beg for more; it just was there; it was just part of who they were. Donatello whimpered and clung to him, his breathing increasing, his gasps wild and scattered, his legs tightened and his hips wiggled left and right all the faster while he was lifted up and down upon the hard, throbbing erection inside him, and Raphael just knew. He turned his head and drew him into another kiss, locking in their soft moans and gasps. A faint chant issued from Donatello's throat but with one last accurate thrust, Raphael sent Donatello's head jerking upwards, his mouth open wide with no sound escaping him and his eyes closed as he bounced and wiggled, releasing his semen between them and coating their bellies in a white and clear concoction. Raphael was a bit more vocal, he groaned against his neck and forced Donnie's hips flush against his own, remaining buried to the hilt within his lover while the passion lingered in their veins and the afterglow seeped in to replace it.

Wiping his hand across Donnie's face and brushing away a bit of the moisture upon his brow, he kissed his cheek and soothed him with kindness and reassurance.

"Donnie..."

"Shh... not yet." he whispered and hugged him tightly, squeezing his eyes shut and hiding his face against him.

Resting his cheek against his shoulder, Raphael sighed and hugged him tightly; cradling him in his arms and holding him like he was a porcelain doll he was afraid of dropping. Whenever that day would come that Donnie would allow him to say those three words, it would be the happiest day of his life. Till then, all he could do was hug him and beg him with his body to know what it was he wanted to say and what it was he felt. For some reason, their actions weren't as scary as saying the actual words 'I love you'.

tbc...

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**Author Note:** I've had this written for nearly a year now. I don't really know why I held off posting it... I guess... maybe in a way it was special to me somehow. Which is silly, but somehow in the process of starting off just to write something for my friend Robina as a quick birthday gift, it turned into something more and it grew into this... this roller coaster of emotions that made me fall in love with the "what if" factor.

but I hope you enjoyed the first portion, I only have to edited a bit more of it and it'll actually be completely finished. :) thanks for reading.

~Melissa the Damgel


	2. Shatter

**Disclaimer**: don't own. Just having angsty fun with the boys.

**Warning**: Fighting and fear of death - LOTS of swearing (mostly on Donnie's part) and Sex, manipulation and emotional (and physical) betrayal.

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**They Stumbled Toward Ecstasy**

**By: Melissa the Damgel**

**~2~**

It wasn't like he needed to hear him say it; but it bugged him. Donnie had found him. He came to him one night, all dark and quiet. He knew something was wrong but he didn't know how to ask or how to approach him. In the end, it was Donnie who had come to him, crawling into his hammock, sliding his arms around his neck and leaning into him. At first he was so empty, so emotionless; he didn't remember what he said or did, but it was as though he snapped Don out of it and his brother had stared down at him, tears welling within his eyes and he leaned toward him, cupping his face and pressing his brow to his.

That's how it started, the quiet nights, the whispered talks, their ideas for setting up a system for them to work together as the Nightwatcher; and then came fingertips brushing knuckles, eyes locking till one of them looked away, the first hesitant kisses... It had been so slow, so delicate, such a gentle way to start, and before Raphael knew it, he was telling Donnie he loved him over a greasy engine and a few cans of beer.

Donatello hadn't jerked away or blushed, he didn't even really look at him after the confession, and he hadn't tried to busy himself with the machine either. He had just stood perfectly still, staring down at the wrench and the engine between them. Raphael swore his heart had been about ready to pound out of his chest due to his nerves; but then Donnie had looked up and with a smile that was so wise and sad, yet happy as though it was new to him feeling that way, he was able to breathe again.

Donnie had leaned over the engine then, reaching for Raphael's arm and a kiss brushed between them. It was thoughtful and searching and Raphael had felt Don actually analyze the way he felt against his mouth, the way he tasted, even taking a moment to really ponder upon the _way_ he was kissing him. He broke the kiss with a flustered sigh, but Donatello obviously wasn't finished yet and he walked around the grease block between them and he wrapped his arms slowly around Raphael's waist and leaned against him, pressing flush against him without demanding anything, yet asking him for more.

Raphael had kissed him again. He loved kissing him. And that gentle kiss had seemed to awaken something in Donatello for he clung to him unable to move, unable to breathe, and he wouldn't allow Raph to pull away - but he wouldn't answer his questions either. Later, only after weeks of waiting for Donatello to regain his footing did Raphael tell him again, whispering an 'I love you' in his ear only to have a clinging and shaking Donatello against him. That was the first time Donnie had told him 'not yet'. He didn't understand him and wanted him to explain, but all he could say was, 'We can't say that yet. Not yet.' and he had kissed him.

That was the first time they had made love. What should have been a happy, amazing moment was filled with slow, awkward touches and even a little sadness. Raphael had explored every inch of Donatello, tasting his skin, touching his body and kissing him everywhere he could. And it had been good; very good. Neither of them had felt the same thing since like that night had wrought - but the memory of Donnie clinging to him afterwards and holding him so tight still unnerved him. At first it had given him hope, but nothing had been said.

Something had happened to Donnie the first night he had come to him, searching him out and asking him to hide him away from the pain where no one else would look for him as something inside of him faded and only came back to life when he saw Raphael… had touch his hand.

Raphael kissed Donatello's neck as he slept next to him in Donnie's bed. He ran his hand along Don's arm and traced the patterns in his shell. He could never get enough of him. But if he could get that door open, climb past that wall nestled around the reason for Donatello's hesitancy, he would forever be his. Burying his face against Don's neck, he inhaled slowly as he slid his arm warmly around his waist.

He just needed to find the key to open the cage.

* * *

"Raphael! I swear to God if you don't abort this mission right now I'll make sure personally that you're _dead_ after you get home!" He shouted into his ear piece, standing in front of his council, his hands flying over the keyboard to locate exactly where Raph was.

"Yer not being all that persuasive Don." Raph hissed over the line.

Donatello's stomach dropped and his heart hammered wildly. This was not how the mission was supposed to go. There had been a police scanner saying a man had been robbed and beaten severely by some Purple Dragon's over in the park. Raph had announced that he wanted to bust their heads in to teach them a lesson, and Don had agreed to it. Honestly, after the kidnapping gig, he thought this would be a piece of cake.

Raphael had roughed up a few PD punks and found the location for their hideout and had proceeded to make his way in to the building to give them a scare and maybe even help break up one of their gang rings.

That's when they argued – Raphael insisting he just wanted a little bit of fun and not to worry. But Donatello wasn't so certain. He had wanted to do research, put surveillance on the building first, he had wanted to get the building plans and study them to find weaknesses; but Raph ignored him and had gone anyway.

Turns out the punk had told the truth, but he had led him to the one place Raphael didn't want to go – the heart of the Purple Dragon headquarters were they not only had Hun, but an almost limitless amount of fire power to fight the single intruder with.

It was loud and echoing on Donatello's line as shot after shot was fired at Raphael. He heard Raphael grunt and he let out a shout of surprise. "Raph!" He gripped the edge of the tabletop, attempting to breathe to keep calm.

"Son of a bitch…" Raphael growled through his headpiece and Donatello could do nothing. He even kept himself from ordering him again to get out of the building - one word could distract Raphael and get him killed

There was an explosion or two through the earpiece and Donnie shook, waiting and hating the way his stomach flipped and his head spun. Closing his eyes, he took several deep breaths, calming his nerves and forcing his mind to think. Lifting his hand, he pressed his fingers against the headset so he couldn't miss a sound and, as calmly as he could manage, he called for his brother. "Raphael..?" He asked, waiting. The pounding of his heavy breathing were reassuring that he was alive - but it was also frightening and he tried not to think of the worst. "Raph, get out of there, now."

Raphael swore and Don felt a bit of relief ease into his belly. "Raphie-"

"I can't!" He snarled, and Donnie could just see him slamming his fist against whatever it was he was hiding behind. "I'm trapped. They got me wedged in. I'm holding them off, but I can't do it forever."

Shaking and yet calmly pushing away from his desk, Donatello stood on weak legs and ran his mind through every option possible.

"I'm coming to get you." Donnie finally stated and jerked open his desk drawer to tug out his duffle bag and begin filling it with anything he might need.

"What? No! You stay the hell out of this Don! I'll figure a way out!"

"Shut up!" Donatello shouted and Raph was instantly silent on the other line. "Just... hold on. I'll be there." And with that he threw his headset away from his body and ran to the other side of his lab to stuff some weapons, several types of homemade bombs and various other necessities into his bag. He shouldered the bag and grabbed his bo staff and exited his room in a rush of wind and grim silence.

"Leo? Mikey!" Don shouted, turning off the TV to Mikey's video game and instantly receiving a 'hey!' from his brother.

"Donnie! I was playing that!" Mikey whined, reaching to grab the remote back from his brother.

"Donnie?" Leo asked, returning from his bedroom.

"Come on! I was winning! It was going to be my all time record!" Mike lunged for Don's hand, but Donatello jerked his hand away and threw the remote control directly at the television, shattering one of them and causing several sparks to leap from it.

Leo was instantly ready, rushing to Donnie's side, and Michelangelo was startled, almost frightened from his brother's uncharacteristic action.

"Raph's in trouble. We need to go help him. Come on." Donnie explained in a soft voice and he turned, leading the way out of the lair and up to the garage. His brothers exchanged glances with each other but they didn't argue with their brother and were quick to follow him.

Donatello drove. He knew where he was going and a plan was already forming in his head. The drive there was excruciatingly quiet though he knew Leo had questions and Mikey was fidgeting to keep himself from babbling wildly in his fear.

"I'll explain when we get home." Don suddenly said, causing Mikey to jump and Leo to stare at him hard. "We're here. Be careful, it's the Purple Dragons headquarters. Hun's inside, as is enough firearms to stock a US military division."

Turning a corner, Donatello saw the warehouse up ahead and slowed the van to a stop. Standing and stepping out of the driver's seat, he pointed to Leo to take a seat. "Help me out. I want you to drive right into that building. Be my distraction, please? I'll sneak around the back, hopefully I can get Raph in and out quickly."

"Don... I don't know about this." Leonardo protested but shut his mouth the moment Donatello turned angry eyes on him.

"We've already waited long enough. He might die any minute now. Work with me for once, Leo." He growled and shouldered his duffle bag then proceeded to climb up to the roof access of the van. "Now gun it! Drive right into that building and distract them for as long as possible. I'll call on your cell when Raph's safe." and with that, Don slammed the hatch closed behind him.

Leo didn't move, and Mikey took the driver's seat, his hands shaking but his mouth thinned into a determined line. Gripping the steering wheel as tight as possible, Michelangelo's foot slammed onto the gas and the van moved, roaring to life and picking up speed fast and wildly.

Donatello gripped the hatch's handle to keep himself steady as the van swerved several times on its way towards the front doors of the warehouse. At the last minute just as the front end of the van was about to burst through, Donatello leapt from the top and just managed to clear the edge of the roof before he went into a head long roll over the tar and papered roof.

Hissing and holding his elbow tight to his side, Donatello ignored the scraped skin and pain in favor of standing and looking for what he needed. Gunfire and explosions down below told him his brothers were achieving their goal. Digging through his bag, Donatello pulled free several time bombs and he set two at a corner of the warehouse. Hunkering down and waiting the whole minute, the explosion shook everything out at that southern corner. The men down below shouted and fell to the floor, rubble fell from the ceiling and dust blanketed everything.

Rolling several balls across the floor, they fell through the hole and down to the warehouse below. Upon hitting the floor they erupted into billowing clouds of smoke and quickly began to fill the area. Hurrying to the side of the hole, Donatello secured the grappling hook to the wall and then threw the rope down into the warehouse. "Raph!" He shouted.

Donatello could see the van down below take another circuit around the warehouse and destroying yet another palette of weapons as Mikey continued to try and scatter the Purple Dragons.

"Donnie?" Raphael called, the lights on his helmet shining up from the smoke as he made his way towards him.

"Grab hold!" Don ordered and then pulled a small machine from his back and hooked the rope to it. "You have the rope?" He asked, and threw a few more smoke balls down into the building.

"Got it!"

And just like that, Donatello hit the button on the machine and it reeled Raphael up and out of the warehouse.

Once Raphael was secure on the roof, Donatello tossed another bomb in through the hole and then grabbed Raphael's arm, tugging him after him while pulling out his shell cell at the same time. "Got him. Let's go."

"Who..?" Raph started but was pushed towards the edge of the building and just as the bumper of the van appeared, Don shoved Raphael with him over the edge and onto the roof of the van. It swerved but it straightened and barreled down the street and took the corner at a squealing tire turn.

Holding tight to the hatch to keep from falling off, the two turtles clung to the van till Mikey finally stopped the van - which wasn't till they arrived back home and were safe behind closed doors.

Grumbling and climbing down from the van as he tore his helmet off, Raphael snarled at Michelangelo and pointed at him, "Who the hell taught you how to drive?" He demanded, completely missing the awed look his brother was giving him as he looked him up at down in the Nightwatcher suit.

Donatello stormed off of the van and threw his bag down, completely ignoring the possibility of explosives going off within his sack. Before Michelangelo could answer Raph's question Donnie's hand seized Raph's shoulder and threw him back against the van.

"Fuck, Donnie!" Raph snarled only to get his brother right in his face.

"_What the hell were you thinking_?" He screamed, shoving Raphael back against the van once again. "You almost got yourself killed! I told you to stand down and you should have listened!"

Scowling, Raphael opened his mouth to argue back but he never got the chance.

"_No!_" Don roared, jabbing his finger into his chest and keeping him in place. "You agreed that it would be me calling the shots just as I agreed to you doing the footwork. You _agreed_ that you needed someone on the outside to keep you in line and you _swore_ you would keep to that contract between us. But you didn't Raph! You didn't listen to me and look what happened when you ignored me! You screwed up Raph!"

"That's enough." Leonardo's hard voice cracked between them. He took Donnie by the arm, trying to pull him away from Raphael who he could see the pressure rising as his anger cooked and boiled under his skin. Normally he was the one yelling and scolding Raphael for his mistakes; and Donnie had every right to be yelling at Raph for his rebelliousness that nearly cost him his life; but this was unnerving. Donatello was not supposed to be the one acting like him – and just like that Leonardo knew what was going on and he looked at Donnie hard with a knowing look as to why he was screaming at Raph.

Jerking away much more violently than needed from Leo as though he had been burnt and his eyes far more wild than they had ever been as he yelled at Raph, Donatello pointed a finger at the eldest and glared daggers upon the leader of their troop. "Shut up Leo. You are of no use to me." He hissed. And for the first time since they arrived home did pure silence fall upon the brothers.

Leonardo stiffened and his jaw tightened as he flexed his fingers at his side, but he didn't move, and he didn't talk. Something silently passed between Donatello and him that was palpable and thick as mud.

Looking back to Raphael, Donatello swelled, his anger far from dissuaded and his own fears edging the corners of his words. "You fuckin' thick-headed brute. I told you to wait, why the hell did you ignore me? Huh?"

"I thought I'd be fine. There wasn't supposed ta be the whole damn gang in there. I thought it was goin' ta be a bunch of punk kids and some pocket knives." he defended, glaring at him and momentarily pushing from his mind the silent fight he had just witnessed between Leo and Don – but he wasn't going to forget about it.

"But you didn't listen! Do you think I'm in your head on these missions just to _suggest_ things to you? No! I'm there to keep your ass from being handed to you. You would have died if I hadn't brought them along; and now look at this mess you got us in!"

"Me?" Raphael shouted, his jaw dropping at the accusation. "Me? _You_ were the one who ran to Leo! _You_ were the one who dragged _them_ into all of this! I wanted to keep them out of it." He pointed at Leo and Mikey, visualizing to Donnie that he was the reason their brothers had found out about their secret in the first place.

"I brought them along because I didn't want you to die." Don snapped, slapping Raphael's hand away from his face and shoving it back down at his side.

Raph's hands darted out and he grabbed Donatello by his forearms, gripping at him tightly and stepping towards him in a whirlwind of dominance and desperation. "Then admit you love me!" He shook him, holding tight to him.

Donatello's eyes widened and his head jerked but he stopped himself from looking directly at Leo and Mikey to see their reactions to Raphael's demand. Several pounding heartbeats spanned between them and Donnie struggled out of his grasp, his breath coming fast and sketchy. "Don't you dare change the subject - You ignored my order!"

Scowling with a mixture of disgust and hurt, Raph threw his hands in the air, "Whatever. I ain't dealing with this right now." He scooped up his helmet and pushed past him, making his way for the garage door.

"Raph..." Michelangelo whispered, shifting in place and then following after his brother, grasping at his arm hesitantly.

Looking down, Donatello shook, he wouldn't allow the fear to rise, the anger was so much easier to hold onto right now. Raphael had been so close to death tonight, more so than ever. Mafia, gangs, police chases, murderers - he had faced it all but tonight because of him ignoring his orders, he had almost disappeared forever. He couldn't allow his true emotions to surface. "You irresponsible, selfish, troglodyte fuckwit!" Donatello screamed, his shoulders hunched, his face twisted, and his eyes squeezed shut. And all was lost the moment his voice died. He couldn't lose him.

"I screwed up!" Raphael shouted, spinning on his heel. "I messed up! Happy? But at least I ain't scared to do what I think needs to be done - or said." He scowled and turned, leaving the garage and abandoning Donnie to Leo as Mikey trailed after him.

Leonardo didn't know what to say, he was at a loss for words for once. Raising his eyes, he stared at Donatello - who quickly turned his face further away.

Donnie had never once looked to Leo during this time. And it had to stay that way, for his sanity. He couldn't allow the slightest hint of skin or shadow from Leonardo to be seen by his eyes. "Just leave me alone Leo." Even he could admit he sounded cold.

Looking down and shaking his head, Leonardo wiped a hand across his face and shook his head, "Just because-"

"Fuck off Leo!" Don screamed. His voice echoed in the cement garage, bouncing off the walls and reverberating off the tin roof.

Leo turned his back on him and left, striding towards the exit, his hands knotted and turning white at his side. "Don't ruin this for yourself." he shot back before he disappeared, slamming the door behind him.

It was a long time before Donnie finally moved. He found himself sitting on the bumper of the van, staring at his hands and realizing he was shaking. He couldn't voice _it_, he couldn't think about _it_, but he felt _it_ wiggling within his belly and scouring through his heart. He knew on an emotional level he was right, but he couldn't say it no matter how much he wanted too. He couldn't allow those emotions to become sentient - or he would break. He couldn't break again after having finally taped himself back together.

Donnie's face twisted and he shook his head, growling at himself and banishing the tears before they could form.

He just couldn't say it yet; he couldn't say it to Raph. It still hurt too much.

* * *

He hurried after him, trailing behind him like a puppy. Michelangelo stopped in the doorway of his brother's room, hesitating only a moment before he made his decision. It wasn't like it was a profound moment, and it wasn't a shock either that he knew what he wanted to do, but the moment he stepped through the threshold and closed the door behind him, Michelangelo knew he was committed and prepared. "Raph..."

Raphael choked, growling his way through his emotions. He turned suddenly and threw his helmet and a resounding crack shot through the room and they watched the helmet roll across the floor before settling on its side where they both could stare at the wide and jagged crack now within the view glass.

Mikey hesitated, staring first at the helmet and then back to Raphael. His stomach twisted and his hands curled into fists. He stepped forward then, unwilling to back down now that he was so ready, so close. He reached for him, taking his arm and moving in front of him. "Raph-"

"I don't get it. I just don't understand why..." Raphael stopped and backed away, trying to pull his arm from Mike's grasp.

"I... I want to help you." Mikey whispered, staring up at him beseechingly.

He shook his head and tried again to pull away but Mike refused to let go. "Stop it Mikey, I don't think you can really help me figure out why Donnie doesn't love..." He stopped and looked away, swallowing hard.

"He's an idiot. He shouldn't be taking you for granted. I mean, he's got you!" Michelangelo shouted, reaching for his other arm and drawing in close to him. "He's got you..." He trailed off, his brow knitting together and his fingers curling tighter against Raphael's suit.

Raph continued to stare at nothing in particular, his eyes staring inwardly and wishing for an answer.

He looked so lost, begging for the reason why his love wasn't returned, and Mikey reached for him, wrapping his arms about his brother and leaning into him, his lips brushing across his and his eyes closing to block the pain. "He's an idiot. He doesn't deserve you if he can't love you." Trembling and keeping his grip tight, Mikey fought against Raphael pulling away and he pressed his brow to his temple. "...I love you..." he whispered.

Raphael jerked backwards slightly and barked out a laugh, a laugh that was mocking and filled with disbelief

"Of course you do! I fall in love with the brother who doesn't when right next door the one who does has always been waiting." he shook his head scowling down at him, "Don't fuck around with me Mike." he turned his back and folded his arms, staring down at the ground.

"I'm not!" Mike choked, feeling so close to tears but fighting them back. "I'm serious! You're... you're awesome." He looked down, thumbing a hand against his thigh. "I wouldn't joke about this."

Raphael didn't respond, it was one thing to not believe him but another entirely to call him a liar. Michelangelo's arms slid about his body, his mouth pressing against his neck and Raph winced but he collapsed internally. It was so nice feeling someone's arms around him who admitted to truly caring for him.

"I... love you Raph." Mike whispered, placing a hand upon his chest. "I know you care for Don, but... I can love you right now. I'm here for you right now; don't push this away because he's not giving you what you need." He kissed his cheek and Raphael went limp in his arms, tears finally cascading from his eyes.

He tasted like salt, like sweat and musk, he smelt of the wind and like gun smoke. Raphael was amazing and Mikey clung to him, shaking in fear. "I love you so much..." he choked.

Raphael shook his head, pulling away but he was easily turned, staring down at Mike, practically begging him for help, "Mikey-" he stopped due to the finger pressing to his lips that was quickly replaced by a kiss.

It was hard and demanding, hopeful and fearful all at once. Mikey sniffled, gripping at his neck.

The faintest of kisses pressed back to his lips and Mike choked, trembling in joy. Another kiss, this time initiated by Raphael and Michelangelo fell into his arms, wrapping around him and pressing in close. He felt Raph's hand trail down his shell, so slow and hesitant and it was suddenly extremely unfair that he was already practically naked while Raphael was dressed. He pulled at the leather, unzipping and shoving the garment away. On any given day he loved the way he looked in it - he still had pictures of Nightwatcher news clippings from back in the day - but not now, it was just in the way.

Before Raphael really comprehended what had happened, he was stripped of his suit and pressed against the wall, Mikey's hands doing wonderful things to him between his legs. His head thumped back against the wall and his kisses attacked his neck and collar bones, and then down his plastron till he felt warm lips wrap possessively around his growing erection and he gasped, squeezing his eyes shut and trembling.

Gripping at the brick and losing his self within the feel of that normally annoyingly waggling tongue shooting off useless words, it was suddenly curling and twisting about him in ways that brought tension to his belly instantly and he shouted for him to stop.

Mikey pulled back, kissing the tip one last time and gazing up at his brother, shivering in delight at the dazed and lust filled look of the older of the two. He took Raphael's hand and pulled him down towards him. Raph obeyed and was soon atop him, between Mikey's legs and a finger thrusting in and out of his body, preparing him with the lube he had gotten use to keeping with him because of Donnie.

Donatello fluttered constantly through his mind and his face twisted up in pain - what was he doing? He pulled back, shaking his head, pressing his hands against Mikey's knees as he forced himself away. He couldn't do this... but a moan and a faint kiss against his cheek stabbed through his heart and he trembled. Arms wrapped around him, legs spread all the wider for him before they wrapped around him and pulled him close – so very, very close, and a whispered 'I love you' in his ear and he found himself buried inside Michelangelo. He forgot his troubles in favor of the heat and warmth surrounding him, gripping at him, suffocating him in pleasure as he thrust in and out, and moving faster, moaning against his partner's neck.

He felt thighs gripping tight at his sides, he felt hands clawing at his shell and across his shoulders, he felt the warmth against his belly as he rubbed against his partner's erection, but the most powerful stimulant was the breathless words of 'love' against his skin and with a final thrust he released, crying out against Michelangelo's neck and thrusting several more times as the tension within his belly finally disappeared and his muscles relaxed. He felt Mikey wiggle under him reaching a hand between them and he raised himself up, staring down and watched Mike's hand jerk and rub himself, and in fascination he watched his release, his seed splattering across the both of them with a small cry escaping Michelangelo's lips.

He sat up shakily, his body feeling weak and yet alive all at once. He looked to the mess upon his plastron and his fingers slid through the creamy clear seed as though seeing such a concoction for the first time. Michelangelo's hand lifted gripping at his arm and tugging at him slightly, a dreamy look upon his face with bruised lips and deep breaths, and Raphael could only stare. He was in shock, or at least in the process of realizing what had just happened. His thoughts were jumbled, his lips parted and awed, and he lifted his eyes to stare down at his brother and at the strangely beautiful sight of knowing that it was love in his eyes that he was staring into.

The door opened suddenly and Raphael turned slowly, looking towards the door and his heart stopped beating. His mind shut down as he stared back at Donatello while Donnie took in the sight before him. Mikey shifted under him and he felt his leg rub across his and he jumped, pulling back from his youngest brother and looking down at him then back to Don as he sat back on his heels, his hand still hovering with the seed upon his belly. His cock finally slid free from Mikey's body and retreating.

"Donnie..." Mike whispered, sitting up on his elbows.

Donatello's face contorted painfully, twisting into pure agony and heartache. His lower lip trembled, his hand fell from the doorway and tears gathered in his eyes as his head bowed. There was a silence, a quiver in the air that threatened to shatter with whoever spoke first – but it wasn't words that made the world crack and everything fall into an oblique tunnel that narrowed to despair. Donnie shook his head and waved his hand while his other pressed firmly to his belly as though he was doubling over in sickness. "Not you too..." He choked out past a sob. And the world broke, falling around him. He turned then, leaving them where he found them.

It took a moment for his mind to jump start, but the moment he felt himself awaken from the nightmare he scrambling at the floor, jerking away from Mikey and rushing out of the room, "Donnie? Don!" He shouted and burst into the hallway, searching for Donatello before he rushed after him blindly.

Michelangelo laid there a moment, his eyes staring after Raphael and he trembled, realizing what just happened and what was happening right now as he was abandoned. He rubbed at blue eyes and sat up slowly; wincing as his sore bottom ached and he choked on a laugh before he curled into himself and cried.

Down below in the kitchen, staring into a cup of tea and listening to it all in silence, Leonardo blinked his glazed eyes several times. Shaking his head, he closed his eyes and hid his face within his hand, falling into himself and joining the troubled souls already occupying their home.

Nothing would ever be easy.

* * *

**Author's Note: **O_O Yes, I'm so mean to them - and thus begins the angsty stuffs.

When I wrote this, it was as a birthday gift for a friend - she likes Raph/Mike the most; and so I was trying to do something different - but like I said in the first chapter; it took on a life of its own and it didn't become Raph/Mike; it became Raph/Don but with a painful twist.

... so yeah... sadness... but I hope you're all still intrigued... XD

and the reason why I had Raphael do this in the first place wasn't just for a story twist... I was thinking to imagine it myself - loving someone SO MUCH that it was like pouring lemon juice over the wound every time they didn't return the sentiment. It would be like stabbing yourself in the arm daily; eventually the pain is just too much and he wanted to feel what it would be like to have it returned - and Mikey was more than willing, more than vocal about his feelings (and also a bit manipulative; Sorry, but it's true, i think Mike would manipulate to get something he wanted). For Raph... it was just a taste - but the whole point was that he was imagining that this was with Don - but also they were upset XD people do STUPID THINGS WHEN THEY ARE UPSET! I've seen it time and time again from my sister alone. Things that people would never do - if pushed far enough emotionally, they'll do anything.

so yeah, that's what I was aiming for - that Raphael had finally been pushed so far that he couldn't think straight till it was over. He's got a temper so that tells me he feels things so strongly that a lot of times it comes out as frustration - so his love for Don would be just as strong and overpowering and also - to not have that love returned, it would be soul shattering to him and even blind him.

XD so I hope you liked! hopefully I'll update in a few days ;)

~Melissa the Damgel


	3. Fearless

**Disclaimer**: I don't own them already~ *cries* Stop rubbing it in!

**Warnings**: Turtlecest and lots of Angst! I'm not called the Angst-Queen for nothing by my friends! :D But seriously... lots of emotional stuff in this one - only a small action scene... and really... i just wanted to show how much Raphael's actions screwed everyone over, as well as the healing process... ... or maybe i'm just a sucker for emotional pain... D:

* * *

**They Stumbled Toward Ecstasy**

**By: Melissa the Damgel**

**Fearless**

**~3~**

It had started so innocently, a shy smile here, a peek there, and the occasional soft touch. Donnie didn't remember when it had started, but he was probably fourteen when he found himself blushing when he was addressed by _him_ or trying to find ways to be near _him_. It wasn't until they were seventeen that he felt the courage to say anything.

He marched up to him late in the night, the lair silent, the candles low and flickering as death lingered close to their flames, and he stared at him, his heart hammering and his eyes wide as he stared up at Leonardo, waiting for his answer. A kiss. A hesitant, shy and naïve kiss that caused butterflies to flap wildly in their bellies and a gentle innocence of love to blossom then and there. They tasted the nectar of the forbidden fruit and seemed to enjoy it.

It had lasted a year. Looking back, it had always been awkward and disjointed, one pulling away or ignoring the other, one never fully in the moment or one of them never being completely honest. Donatello ignored it, he hid behind the illusion that the physical pleasure they gave each other was their sign of love. He completely lost himself in their relationship of make believe and pretend.

_"I'm going away." Leo told him standing in front of him in the middle of Don's lab. _

_"Where?" Donnie asked and a hint of sadness touched his words. _

_"Splinter advised that I take time away from the group. I need to once again focus myself so I will be a better leader." He said, his eyes avoiding Donnie's. "And I agreed... but for a personal reason as well." _

_Staring up at him and knitting his brows together, Donnie reached out to him, attempting to touch his arm, but Leonardo pulled away sharply before he could ever touch him. "Leo?"_

_"I... I need to get my head straight Don. I... I find myself more and more in love with Mikey every day. In the beginning I thought maybe perhaps I could learn to love you, but, I can't seem to get him out of my head. He... he haunts me in my sleep..." He whispered, bowing his head in shame but honesty. _

_Donatello broke, he literally felt himself fall apart and shatter like glass upon concrete upon hearing Leonardo's confession. He looked down, he looked up, he looked at his hands, but in the end, he forced a smile and tried to qualm the shaking in his voice. "I guess that would be a good idea. I... I don't want you to be confused." He stuttered, finding his voice after a minute. When Leo raised his eyes and looked back up at him, he smiled as warmly as possible and reached out, touching his arm. "Be safe though, whatever you decide. I... just want you safe."_

_Leonardo's lips thinned but relief flooded his face and he nodded. He reached for Donnie's hand and squeezed his fingers gratefully. "Thanks." He whispered and leaned in giving Donnie a quick hug. "I'm sorry... I really tried. I couldn't... get over him, but, I - I'd never trade what he had." he gave him a quick squeeze before he released him and bowed his head again and then left, leaving him alone in the wide expanse of his room. _

Donatello had managed to not cry. He managed to stay calm and collected for the rest of the week that Leo was there, but that night after waving farewell to his brother as he snuck aboard a ship heading off into the world, he locked his door, curled up in bed, and finally released every ounce of pain that had built up within him.

He didn't come out for days, saying it was just a project he was working on - and they believed him. He either wallowed upon his bed hiding his face and allowing his pillow to soak up the tears, or he sat at his computer or work station, staring into space and remembering everything; every touch, every conversation, everything that he had loved about Leo and himself together. He had loved him. He had given so much of himself and now he had that even ripped from him and he felt empty, naked, raw, incomplete, foolish, and so young. He had been destroyed by giving so much of himself to someone who had pretended for over a year that he was someone special to him.

He pretended for his family, he pretended that he was the same 'brainiac' and rather cocky scientist who was always inventing things in his lab or working on his projects. When he was reminded of his duties to his family, he got a job; anything to isolate himself so he wouldn't have to answer the questions of 'what's wrong?' or 'are you okay?' He didn't think he could handle those questions. He hid behind a pretense of stress, or frustration, behind the idea that he wasn't happy because Leo hadn't returned when he said he would and the undesired responsibilities that Splinter was placing upon him. He pretended and he succeeded. He even succeeded in pretending it didn't bother him after Leo did return and he told him he loved Mikey after two years of pondering that single question.

And that night, a month after Leo had returned and the pressure of two years of pain and dealing with it alone was too great, he found himself in Raphael's room, looking at the only brother he could go to, the only brother who hadn't done something to him or meant something horrible. He had used him that night, used him for selfish comfort and support, but he needed it and Raphael hadn't questioned him. In the end, he gravitated towards him, finding relief and even happiness.

And before long, he found himself with a new love, a new warmth that was different, and yet, something more. He didn't know if it was more powerful, but it began to eclipse the pain till the day he found himself taping himself back together and once again whole and ready, ready to try and fill the gaps and tell him the truth of why he had forced him to wait so long. Yet once again his plans failed and he was far more shattered than he was before. This time he lay broken and bleeding in a chasm at the bottom of a frozen valley. Nothing seemed worth it anymore.

* * *

He didn't run - he didn't think he had enough breath in his body for such strenuous effort - but he didn't stumble either. He walked, he walked quickly and with purpose, he walked away from the lair and he walked with his eyes downcast and his feet leading the way. His face twisted up for the hundredth time and he gritted his teeth, shaking his head and trying so hard not to cry, but the red lining his eyes and darting through the whites to his pupils gave away his best efforts.

Scrubbing at his face, Donnie choking on his breath and he swallowed hard past the lump in this throat. He didn't know whether to laugh at his own stupidity or feel betrayed. It wasn't like he had told Raph anything or gave him any reason to care. He had been cruel to him really. He had known what he felt for him and yet he hadn't been able to open his mouth to reciprocate.

"Donnie!"

Don choked and he growled, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut till he nearly stumbled, a hand slapping against the sewer wall to keep his self from falling over. He didn't want to see him... he didn't want to talk... he didn't think he could talk anyway.

"Don!" Raphael shouted as he ran up behind him, his hand reaching out for him and grabbing at his elbow, forcing him to turn towards him.

"Don't touch me!" Donatello yelled his voice hoarse and choked. He pulled away from him, his shell hitting the wall violently and stopping him from backing away any further.

Raphael stared at him and swallowed hard. He fought with himself to keep from grabbing him and holding him. He stood in front of him, watching him shiver; and he himself suddenly felt oh so naked here in front of him. "Dona-"

"Don't!" Don hissed, keeping his head down and his eyes closed.

The anger Raphael felt at himself was surpassing anything he had ever felt in the past. He didn't know whether to yell or hit something, or to sulk, but in the end, he leaned forward, planting a hand upon the wall beside Donatello's head. "Don't you dare shut down, Don. I... I screwed up... yell at me, hit me, anything. Don't make me solely the bad guy when you're the one who won't tell me why you don't love me."

Donnie shook his head, turning his face away and breathing rapidly - but he was too close. He could feel his warmth. "It's not that I didn't..." He whispered and stopped, his throat tightening and his eyes heating with warmth.

"Then what is it? Why has it always been like this?"

He couldn't talk; he physically couldn't talk past the pain in his throat. He shrugged for lack of a verbal response and he pushed at the other's chest, trying to give himself room to just breathe; but Raphael was quick to grab his hand, trying to hold him tightly.

"Don't touch me. Come back when you don't smell like sex." Don whispered and pushed past the startled and ashamed Raphael who let him go, watching him walk away on shaky legs.

* * *

Don had practically disappeared. It felt like years since he last saw him (three days in actuality) but Raphael couldn't stand it anymore. He looked for him every evening and far into the night, traversing the sewers, wandering the dumps, searching behind electronic stores. He finally had to resort to going to the garage and waiting for him - but again he was thwarted and he wandered back down into the lair defeated for yet another night.

Raphael hesitated as he looked up, seeing Michelangelo staring at him from the kitchen. Avoiding Mikey had been fairly easy at first. Guilt ate at his conscious and shame shadowed every step he took; and to make matters all the more strange, Leonardo had not said a word. He didn't lecture; he didn't force any of them into the same room. He hadn't even called them to practice in the last few days and he would disappear now and then for hours at a time only to return looking tired.

Looking down then back at Michelangelo's silhouette in the doorway of the kitchen's burning yellow bulb, Raphael shifted, glancing around the shadowed lair quickly as he pretended to scratch his head, and once seeing it was devoid of life save but the two of them, he shuffled towards his brother, hesitating once he stood in front of him.

When he glanced at him, Mikey was staring at something else off to the side, his hands shaking by his sides.

He reached for him suddenly, his arms wrapping about him and Mikey's arms wrapped just as tightly around him. He clung to him and Raphael held him tight, but not so close as to give him false pretense. "Sorry..."

Michelangelo's fingernails dug at his shell and he buried his face against his neck. "Can't you-"

"No..." Raph whispered. "And you'd know it."

"But-" Mike started but he bit his lips, knowing it was useless. "I wish it could have been different." He choked out.

"I know. I wish it could have been too." He agreed and rested his cheek atop his head. "But I love him too damn much."

Mikey clung to him, his heart hammering and his eyes hot behind his lids. He swallowed hard and inhaled deeply, breathing in his scent and taking a moment to feel what his arms felt like around him, what his heart sounded like, what his hands felt like pressed against his shell. It was so wonderful and yet the most heartbreaking moment of his life.

Raph gave him a short squeeze then pulled away, his eyes darting away to avoid Mike's blue pair and he turned from him with a slight pat on the head that hurt more then when he had left him the other day and ran after Donnie.

Michelangelo watched him walk away and his stomach hurt and his head pounded, and he no longer wanted to be anywhere in the open. He left the kitchen then, shuffling to his room and hiding within its depths, curled up in a blanket and staring at his comics - because nothing he read would make him think of anything else but the pain.

* * *

If he took the time to think about it, Raphael found himself longing for _his_ voice in his head. He could still hear him against his ear like a breathy whisper, a warm puff of air against his neck even though nearly two weeks of Donatello's absence was stretching before him like the heated expanse of Death Valley without any relief in sight.

He twisted hard to the right and raked a sai across the belly of a Purple Dragon, his jaws clenched, breath being gulped into desperate lungs that echoed though his helmet. The lights atop his head flashed in brilliant colors as it blinded another punk with purple hair. Raphael simply kicked him, sending him sprawling and banging his head against the brick buildings they fought between.

Moving hard – everything he did was with a firm hand and an even tighter fist – Raphael held nothing back. There was no voice in his head to tell him to ease up, there was no voice to tease him about his anger management methods; there was no voice to go home to. He fought like a fire was nipping at his heels; like a bullet was lodged in his chest and he knew he would die any moment now. He fought to feel alive.

He punched and jumped, landing atop a rather large brute of a punk and wrapped the chain around his neck as he jerked backwards, forcing him back and then falling forward atop another of his gang. He moved fast and with purpose, not just to beat them, but to destroy them. His thoughts - so jumbled and so heavy from the events of the last few weeks forced his muscles to move faster and his mind to shut down into nothing but the instincts of a hunter. He smashed the ball at the end of the chain into a guy's jaw, effectively breaking it, and he leaped backwards, hand springing away from another before he threw his sai into a punk's throat.

It was messy, it was ugly, but he fought without hesitation. He lunged to keep his feet shuffling, he side stepped to keep his arms moving and his hands catching weak attempts to kill him with pocket knives and metal poles. He allowed his mind to fade and send him into a trance of violence because if he stopped, if he dared to even think of anything else, he didn't know if he would be able to focus again. To see Donnie's face in his mind's eyes curling in on himself as he knelt there over Mike…. Raphael knew the Purple Dragon punks would get that opportunity to slice him up if he paused and they would defeat him, all because Raph knew he deserved it after what he had done. So he didn't think, he didn't ponder what he should have done or said. He only knew of the energy in his limbs, the anger in his chest, the fire in his belly, and the burning in his eyes.

Jabbing his palm into a guy's nose and shoving him away, he turned and easily flipped another man running at him with a knife up over his head using the man's own momentum and dropped him without any regard. The man landed on his face, shattering his nose and what was left of his teeth. With a flick of his wrist and a quick movement of his arm, Raph whipped the chain over his head and it collided hard with a guy's face and then wrapped around another's arm. He tugged and snapped bones and with a shake he unraveled the length so it was once again screaming through the air and before he knew it, he was alone.

Panting hard, his hands gripping his remaining weapons tightly while they shook at his sides, Raphael blinked several times and his brows knotted. He had to move, find another fight; he couldn't stand there and do nothing because he was already hearing the scream in his ears, the gut wrenching stab of heat and betrayal in his belly at his actions, the tears from dark eyes.

He didn't feel the guy running at him till he fell at his feet, dead. Raph jumped back, staring at the man with the nasty looking hunting knife. He turned slowly, the lights on his helmet flashing across silver and steel before it settled upon Leonardo's grim face. He didn't exactly move right away nor did he feel anything at the realization that Leonardo had just saved his neck. He just felt numb.

"He snuck up on you." Leo said simply, giving his sword a hard and fast swipe through the air to fling any and all remaining blood from it before he again sheathed it smoothly.

Raph grunted and looked away, jerking on the ball and chains so they slid back up into their holders on his back and he went hunting for his sai. He realized he should have been annoyed that Leo had to be all cool, but he didn't have the emotional energy for it.

"What are you going to do now?" Leo asked, remaining where he stood and looking over the expanse of over twenty gang members who were more than likely dead.

"Find some more."

Leonardo frowned and folded his arms, bobbing his head. He knew better than to comment on that when he was emotional like this.

Raphael found his weapons, gingerly cleaning the steal free of blood on a punk's shirt before he tucked them at his sides. When Leo still hadn't said anything he finally looked to him and pulled his helmet off, wiping sweat from his brow and his mouth turned down severely at the corners. "What? No lecture?"

He watched him shake his head, his brown eyes settling on something past him, off into the streets of New York and to the glowing lights beyond. "No... I was wondering if I could join you." Leonardo finally asked, lost in his thoughts.

Raphael grunted, shaking his head - but the numbness refused to fade. The fog that was blocking him from truly feeling amazed that Leo of all his brothers would want to be out here fighting beside him in such a dishonorable act of pure violence, parted momentarily to make him realize how odd it sounded coming from Leo's mouth. But he brushed his request away like water on oiled sails and he stared at anything but Fearless. "Whatever." he whispered.

They climbed the fire escapes, finding themselves once more among the city from above. Like avenging angels who had lost their wings they breathed in the scent of the city, they felt the sea air on their skin, and that city of wind was nothing but a lie because it seemed as though kindness was lost and fading into the darkness of the alleys where punks with knives and men with guns raped and plundered their victims of dignity. Where people in the security of their own homes betrayed their loved ones just as readily as any criminal might in a back lot shrouded with darkness.

They patrolled for an hour, finding only a few muggers and one questionable kid who was prowling outside the window of an elderly woman's window before Raph scared him away by landing beside him and raising his sai. They never did find another rival gang to fight. Perhaps it was for the best, neither of them seemed completely in the moment. Even if they had been, it still wouldn't' have been enough to make him forget – the constant moving, the cheap rush of adrenaline as he fought and the deprivation of certain thoughts so his heart wouldn't hurt so much only made them catch up to him in force later in quiet moments when he finally stopped to breathe.

Raphael blinked a few times as the cool wind brushed across his cheeks. The brothers ended up sitting on the edge of the highest building in the neighborhood district just past three, staring at the lights of the big city just a few blocks away – and the fog began to clear. Bits and pieces of the last week forced themselves on him, making him watch as Donnie cried.

He felt Leonardo's hand on his shoulder. It pressed there, warm and firm, an unyielding band of support and strength. Raphael blinked several more times; his muscles burned as he stiffened, his heart hammered, and he suddenly realized he couldn't see anything as moisture gathered and spilled across chilled flesh. He wilted, he physically fell forward, bowing his head and he hid his face behind a leather glove as he grieved. The first stifle of a sob gushed from his chest and it choked in his throat. He tried to breathe, he really did, but it was nothing but a sharp inhale and a shudder of revulsion. How could he do that? How could he have possibly done what he had done in his right mind? All the while, that strong hand held his shoulder, unmoving, nonjudgmental, and he needed that. He desperately needed that support offered to him free of charge.

"I don't know what to do." Raphael whispered and his voice was so much deeper and smoother than he had been expecting it to be.

Leonardo nodded his head, staring at the city, his face emotionless, schooled and masked so as to not sway him one way or another. "Do you love him?" He asked quietly, brown eyes catching the street lamps and illuminating them with the richness of honey burning in their depths.

Raphael's head bobbed and he lifted his face again, staring at nothing yet looking towards the distance as though looking past the buildings and to a far bright blue sky beyond. "Yes."

The fingers tightened their grip, the warmth pressing further past the leather and into his flesh where it felt like a burning brand. "Then you need to tell him. Fight for him, Raphael. Don't give him up." Leonardo swallowed hard and blinked twice as he seemed to wake up and he turned, staring at Raphael, demanding his attention and not moving till his eyes were locked with Raph's tumultuous amber. "He's worth it."

His chest tightened. Raphael could probably count on one hand how many times he and Fearless had had a conversation that was both honest and worth the time to have. But something in his eyes, the conviction, the pure desire to give Raphael the permission to fight for him - it made his insides twist and his head to spin. He looked away then, unable to stare into his eyes any longer and not feel dizzy. Raph didn't know what to say or do, but one word finally escaped past his lips, one word that made everything that was happening feel so heavy.

"How?"

Leonardo gripped his shoulder again and he was silent.

"What happened between you and Mikey?" Leo finally whispered, his hand slowly sliding from his arm and back to his lap.

He shook his head, looking down to his own hands resting atop his knees. "I don't know. I didn't... It wasn't exactly somethin'..." He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, his head tilting as his shoulders tightened. "He said he loved me, Leo. Ya know? I mean... Don doesn't let me say it to him. He gets this look like he's punched in the gut when I try - so I've had ta keep it all bottled up. And Donnie hasn't said anything either. He doesn't do or say anythin' that makes me think he's cared." Raphael stopped and gripped his knees, his jaw clenching as he inhaled deeply, steeling himself to the brutal honesty of his deepest thoughts. "That's not true. I could feel it when I was with him. When he'd hug me; the way he would scold me all quiet like. But he never once has _said_ anything. He's always stayed quiet."

Leonardo listened, bobbing his head and watching him, his hands gripped tight with fingers woven together, "But?" he forced out, his jaw clenched.

Raphael swallowed hard. "But hearin' it... I was so stupid!" He shouted suddenly, his face twisting up. "I just wanted Donnie ta say it so bad! Mike was just there! I didn't mean ta hurt him, but damnit, Leo, I was angry at Don for makin' me feel like trash because he was to scared or... or whatever the hell it is that made Donnie lock himself up like that. He puts on a brave face, but he forgot me somewhere-"

"He didn't forget you." Leonardo whispered, inhaling deeply and sighing loudly, looking up toward the starry sky. "He wouldn't have reacted like he did if he didn't care. I'd say he loves you more than you think." His brows knitted together and his lips thinned a bit.

Raphael was quiet as he absorbed that and shook his head finally, rubbing at the bridge of his nose and then up over his head, fingers shaking and lips trembling. "I messed this up. I wouldn't blame Don if he doesn't want me now." He whispered.

Leonardo smiled sadly and glanced at him, nodding his head, "Yeah."

Raph snorted and looked down towards the street, straightening his back a bit under his shell as he leaned back on the ledge. "Gee, thanks, really needed ya to agree there, Leo."

Leonardo shrugged with that smile still on his lips as he glanced toward him - but it faded and that look, that lost and yet all knowing look bore down into Raphael's gut and clutched at his soul, dragging his mind back into his body and forcing him to truly pay attention to him. "Talk to him, Raph. You screwed up, I won't deny that. But tell him you're sorry, if nothing else. Tell him. Don't give him up. You'd be an idiot to do so."

He nodded, his mouth thinning and turning down severely at the corners, his shoulders squaring as he felt his stomach flip once again. "What should I tell him?" He asked cautiously.

"Everything," Leo told him, reaching out to grip his elbow, leaning towards him. "You don't hide from anything, Raph. Don does, he hides inside of himself. He needs someone to remind him again and again that he is amazing. He... he wants someone to take him away from his worries and into this world that is meant just for him and... and who he loves." He exhaled shakily, looking away. "Donnie deserves you - and you deserve him. So fight for him if you have too. Tell him everything and don't let him push you away."

Raphael frowned, his brow knitting together as he stared at his brother. Something was off about Leo. He felt his questions swell within him and he parted his lips, but Fearless stood up then, stretching as he looked out at the city.

"We should get back. Well, I mean I'm heading back, if you're going to stay out here, then just be safe." He said and turned, hopping off the ledge to the roof.

"Wait, Leo-" Raph called then winced. What the hell was he doing? He shook his head and sighed, "What's wrong?" It was stupid, asking him. He and Fearless never got along; it was like asking Leo if he wanted to have tea and crumpets with how often they expressed any kind of feelings with the other. But Leonardo was just too off tonight.

Leo turned and smiled sadly, "Maybe later. I should get to bed. But go find him, Raph. Don't wait." He said voice soft and low before he disappeared, hopping across the rooftops agile and swift.

But Raphael's mouth turned down and he felt his belly clench. He knew that look - Donatello had worn it countless times, that same sad expression – especially when Raphael had whispered something to him about how wonderful he was.

It was denial.

It was wisdom overshadowed by despair.

Raphael looked back out at the city as he pushed Leo's behavior to the back burner for now. A new sense of purpose, of stubborn determination rose within him and he stood then, gazing out at the city. Donatello was out there somewhere, hiding and unwilling to talk - but he would find him. He had too. He needed his operator back. He needed his mechanic. He needed his lover. To traverse the world looking for him would be nothing so long as he could tell him one last time he was sorry and that he loved him.

Raph sighed heavily and bobbed his head – he would do it, he'd march up to him, force Donnie to listen to him and with burning conviction he would tell him everything. He'd get on his knees if he had too. "Yeah, but first I have ta find him." He whispered to the wind and to the flickering lights of the city beyond.

* * *

Leonardo pushed the sliding door open on dirt coated guides and stepped into the abandoned building before push that rusted heap of metal closed behind him. He gripped the bag on his bag and quietly navigated the building's interior as silently as a ghost. The shadows played against the walls, creating monsters from the broken glass reflecting the light in odd ways from the street lamps a block away. Dirt, trash, rodents and cockroaches scurried, and yet he didn't flinch as he felt the feet of a rat run over his foot.

The light was on. It was a dim hope in the bleakness of rusting support beams and crumbling wood. The cobwebs floated heavy and dangled from the rafters like forgotten dreams – nothing more than wisps of their former years – and Leo opened the door, revealing the quiet warmth within. It was simple, nothing too grand for this hide away from home. A card table and a chair with a wobbly leg, a cot with a few blankets and a sleep stained pillow, and a small TV with a VCR built in. It wasn't good for anything else – not that it had been used anyway. And Donnie sat there on his cot, propped against the wall and curled over his pillow with the blanket hanging from one shoulder precariously.

He hadn't eaten lunch. It was still on the table – the sandwich dried out and hard.

Swallowing, Leonardo quietly stepped inside and closed the door behind him to keep the rats out. "I brought you dinner." He whispered, not daring to look at him as he stepped towards the table and set the goods down as he began to unpack it. He had brought his own dinner along. He had too – he needed to make sure Donnie ate at least once today.

Donatello shrugged slightly and stared at his fingers against the pillow.

It had been a bad day.

Leo frowned. The day after they he had come here to hide, he had returned to find Don acting like his old self. He had practically rewired the entire building and managed to leach what little he needed to run his laptop, the single bulb light in the room and power the TV from a nearby home – and all because he had wanted too; then the day after he had found him in a pile on the floor, nearly comatose for his lack of responsiveness and wet cheeks. The last two weeks had been like that –he never knowing what to expect when he came to see him. Yesterday he had found him working on some schematics for something he didn't understand other than Donatello's excitement over wanting to build it because it would help them in battles. He had ranted for hours it seemed during dinner about his project and had cleaned his plate twice over before he finally managed to admit he was feeling better with a sad smile and tears that he never once let fall – but that didn't stop them from hanging like lingering dew along his eyes.

He knew it was a lie.

"Come on, it'll get cold." Leonardo whispered and laid out the Chinese meal on the table. He pulled a crate over to the table to sit as Donatello eased himself from the cot and shuffled to him, sitting on the old chair only to end up staring at the meal heavily.

Leo broke some chopsticks apart and offered them to Donnie before he did the same for himself. He took a few bites, watching closely as Don took a few small bites from a pot sticker before he could see the tears threatening to come.

He shifted, moving closer to Donnie's side and without looking at him directly, offered him the sweet and sour pork. "Try this." He said without room for argument.

Donnie did as he was told, struggling to eat the large piece of food, but as he chewed the tears he had tried so hard to control slid freely down his cheeks, hot and fast. He was silent as he cried. He didn't want Leo to pay attention to him and Leonardo respected his wishes. So Leo offered him another bite from another of the containers and Donatello ate slowly and without a stitch of noise.

He stared into his lo mein, taking a few bites then offering some to Don again when he didn't see him moving. Don ate it, but his breathing had changed and Leonardo knew without looking it would finally come, that flood he had held back. He knew how Donnie worked, he would cry in private, he would hold it all in, he would try to act as though nothing was wrong and only say he was feeling better when really it was the furthest from the truth. He had seen him cry a few times, but it wasn't the complete retching and freeing of his soul that he knew needed to happen. He had yet to purge what it was inside – and he could feel it bubbling to the surface.

Another bite, another offered morsel. A tasting of chicken in sweet and sour sauce, another offered out to Donnie. They continued in this way, the tension building, the air thickening around them till it crackled, till their bones were ready to shatter from the pressure weighing in on them from all sides.

Then it broke and a choked sound escaped Donatello.

Leonardo was on his feet at once and pulling Donnie against him, his arms tight around him. He curled around him, shutting the world out as he rubbed at his shell, across his shoulders, and up along his neck as he whispered to him with a tightening of his own throat.

"Why?" Don hissed.

Leo closed his eyes to block out everything as he felt those shaking hands grip at his obi. "I had to be honest."

Donatello sobbed and a hiccup escaped his throat.

"Being silent so pain doesn't find you – it doesn't work Don." He whispered.

The strangled cry ripped through his heart and he gripped tighter at Donatello's shoulders and cradled his head against his chest. Every stifled whimper, every muffled sob, chipped at him, begging him to find some way to fix this – but the situation was layered. Not just one answer was enough, not just one event had caused this, and not just one turtle was the reason or Donatello's pain.

He sighed and hugged his brother tight as Don continued to wail, his body shaking, his fingers clawing and soul tearing gasps for air scoured through his already raw lungs. He helped Donnie stand, trying to lead him to his bed, but desperate hands grabbed at him, his eyes red, face dark and pupils sightless as Don reached for him with a twisted expression and he felt his lips fumble against his.

Leonardo kissed him, slow and firm, forcing Donatello to calm before he turned his jerked his face away and pressed his cheek to his as he gasped, calming his pounding heart and fluttering nerves. "He loves you, Don." He ran his hand along his back, holding his brother up as he felt Donnie's knees give out on him suddenly.

Donatello shook his head and hid his face against Leonardo's neck, holding tight to him and refusing to accept his words. But the whimper and sob told him otherwise. Leo continued to press his cheek against his temple, his eyes gazing at the food cooling on the table over Donnie's shoulder, and felt his brother's lips touch his neck. He turned then, settling Donatello on the cot and forcibly pulling away from him, holding Don's shoulders to keep him from falling back against him.

His head bowed, his eyes squeezed shut and tears rained down on clenched fists. Donatello choked and he grabbed for his heart suddenly, pressing his palm flush against his plastron. "I w-was r-r-ready to ex-explode." Words tumbled from his lips, and his free hand grabbed at Leo's wrist to hold him up, "I w-wanted to s-say something. B-b-but…" He shook his head and his face contorted again, this time with shame, but it again shifted to one of agony, "I was scared… you and…" He choked and clung to him, coughing as his emotions made it harder to breathe. "Why?" He called desperately, every shard of his shattered soul piercing that much deeper into his flesh. He shook his head and reached for Leo's face.

Leonardo stared, his brows knitted together, his mouth a thin line and his fingers dug into his skin, holding tight and trying to steady Don as best he could as he felt Donatello's fingers slide across his cheeks and clutch at his face. He didn't pull away. Donnie needed to know he was there with him. "He needs your voice, Donnie."

The last bit of rubble that had clung stubbornly drifted away as the rest of the flood escaped and he bowed forward, hiccupping and crying harder, his fingers sliding down Leo's chest. "M-my fault…" he stated.

Leonardo bowed his head and tried to see Don's as he nearly hid himself against his knees. He touched his cheek, he kissed his brow, but he held his hands, gripping the shaking fingers till they held still and he was able to give him an anchor to this world.

"No… he messed up, Donnie. Don't blame yourself. But Raph knows it and he's sorry. He… he wouldn't blame you for not wanting him." Leonardo felt his heart hang in anticipation of his answer.

The air was heavy as Donatello cried the last of his tears, his face puffy. The light clung to the room, yellowed and dim, painting their skin and illuminating haunted eyes. The room seemed to bathe in the sadness that flowed into it, but all it could do was shelter them from the outside, for no warmth or comfort was coming from its cracked plaster and decaying foundation.

With the last of his tears spent, Donnie sniffled and shivered where he huddled against himself. Leonardo hesitated, concern on his face till he moved closer and wrapped his arms about him, easing Don's brow to his shoulder. Fumbling a bit, Leonardo grabbed at the blanket so he could wrap Donnie's shivering body in it – and that's when his brother spoke.

"Is he with him?"

Leonardo stopped, his hands holding the blank just inches above his shoulders. He felt his heart pound – but he sighed and shook his head, bundling Donatello in the old blanket. "No."

"Does he?" He choked. His tears were used up, the flood was over, other than the occasional wetness dampening his cheeks, it was over. All that was left was to finally accept it.

He was silent, his eyes staring at nothing off to the side. A thread seemed so fascinating all of a sudden, twisting in the air from the tattered edge of the blanket. Calloused hands rubbed against the rough cloth and he pressed his cheek to Donatello's hot brow. "No… he only wants you."

Leo realized he sounded so hoarse, so unsure of his own words.

Sniffling, Donatello curled against him, a momentary gathering of tears collected in his eyes but they hung there as though they were fallen stars fading in the darkness of his eyes. "I don't know what to do." He choked out.

A soft smile touched his lips, but only out of irony. He swallowed his words, taking the time to ponder them before he spoke. "You need to come home."

Donnie was silent, unmoving against him. As the minutes ticked by, Leo momentarily wondered if he had fallen asleep against him out of sheer exhaustion. But the curl of his fingers against his neck warned him before he sighed. "I don't know if I can forgive him yet." He whispered.

Leonardo bobbed his head against his, his hand still rubbing along his shell. "That's okay. But don't walk away, Don. He really loves you. He just… he did something stupid." He explained in a hushed voice, his throat tightened and memories threatened to take over.

"What do you think it meant to him?" Don asked quietly, gripping at his shoulder through the blanket he clutched.

He thought it over, he truly did. He didn't know the exact reason, he couldn't imagine a reason why – but he ran his and Raphael's conversation over and over through his mind till he sighed, "I don't know the reason, I'm sorry. But maybe it was to… to pretend it was you telling him you loved him."

Donnie's face contorted and he felt a warm splash across his thigh were a stray tear fell.

Closing his eyes and blocking out the light, blocking out the trembling of the blanket as Donnie shook, he tried to escape the pain he had created. He knew it wasn't completely his fault, but he couldn't deny that the reason this had happened was because of him. He should have found a gentler way of telling Donatello back then, he should have tried harder to stay with him… or he should have told him that night, years and years ago when Don came to him in the night and told him the first time he loved him, that he felt something more for another.

He just wanted him happy.

"Come home, Donnie." He whispered, kissing his brow, but his brother shook his head under the blanket, clinging to him even as he tried to retreat into himself. Leonardo licked his lips, studying the wall behind him. "Raphael says he loves you. At least come home and talk to him."

The quivering began to lessen till it was nothing more than an occasional shudder. He knew Don wouldn't come home tonight or even tomorrow, but at least he knew someone was waiting.

* * *

The worst was far from over, especially for him, and their family would never fully be the same. His insides hurt, his limbs were numb and his mind was empty because it felt too full when he did try and think about it.

He had held him, but even that had felt weak and half-hearted. Michelangelo sat in front of the TV, staring at it and hugging the blanket around his self all the tighter. He only half watched the show, vaguely noting that the heroine had just done something wrong and the hero had shunned her.

It sparked something in him and Mike suddenly felt it all once again. His emotions rushed back into him and filled his pores with their agony. It hurt, it killed him, and it was so debilitating as to suffer a dagger to the heart. He thought for one splendid moment in time that he would be happy with the one he had loved. He had noticed Raphael change, he had noticed the difference almost a year ago and he had come to love it. There was a new softness in Raphael that had never been seen in the past, and it was a good change, it was an amazing change. He had fallen for him before he knew it; and for a fleeting moment he had touched that warmth.

Hands moved over his shoulders and Mikey shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut - then lifting a hand to touch his cheeks, realizing he was crying. He didn't want the owner of the hands to know how upset he was nor how close to sobbing he had suddenly reached upon knowing there was someone close and willing to hold him. But it was terrifying to think the owner of the hands belonged to Raphael. He didn't think he could be as strong as he had been the last time he saw him. He wiped at his cheeks and laughed slightly as he focused on the TV, trying to catch up with the story. "She's so dumb... thinking she could get away with it..." He rasped out on a choked throat.

"She's not dumb. She just didn't see the whole picture."

Michelangelo squeezed his eyes shut again, his hands tightening sharply in the blanket. "No, she is dumb, she knew everything already but she thought she'd try and change it."

"Such attempts are genuinely felt acts of the heart. There's nothing wrong with that."

"But you'd think it'd be better if she had thought logically about everything that she was going to do. Not just jump in without thinking. She's so stupid!" He shouted suddenly, shaking within the confines of his blanket. "I was so stupid..." He choked and hid his face, the tears running hot and heavy down his cheeks.

Strong, warm arms wrapped around him, pulling him back against the couch and his head leaning against his shoulder. Mikey could only grip at his arms and bow his head. "Why does it have to hurt so much?"

"Nothing that is meant to be so wonderful should be so easily ignored when lost." Leonardo whispered, holding him a bit tighter, a bit more closely and a bit more determinedly.

Choking back a laugh as he wiped at his eyes and pressed his cheek to Leo's arm, Michelangelo smiled ruefully and tried to look at Leo who was still resting upon his shoulder. "Where'd you get that cheesy crap from? A Hallmark card?"

Smiling and rubbing Mikey's arm lightly, Leo made a slight shrugging motion that jostled them both. "Or something like that."

They were both silent for a long time - eventually though a crick evolved in Leo's back and he just couldn't stand it anymore, so he slowly unwound himself from Mike, his hands running up his arms and to his shoulders as he stood. As his fingers slipped away, Michelangelo turned sharply, grabbing at his hand and holding tight to him.

Looking away and scrubbing at his eyes even as he turned around to kneel on the couch, Mikey reached for him, shaking. "Can you just sit with me for awhile?" he whispered, begging for him to understand, to comfort him, to let him take selfish delight in holding onto someone.

Nodding and squeezing his hand, Leo carefully shifted his weight from one leg to the other and then stepped over the back of the couch and onto the cushions, sinking down into them and next to Mike just as smoothly as he did with everything else in his life.

He latched himself to his side and held him tight. Michelangelo closed his eyes and tried to calm himself, taking in the gentle warmth his brother was giving him, wrapping around him, holding him close. Leonardo returned everything that Mikey offered to him, he hugged him and stroked fingers across skin, running palm palms across his flesh like burning brands that melted ice and sadness – and just like that Michelangelo realized Leonardo was scared that he would just slip through his fingers. Like he was something precious.

Michelangelo listened to his heartbeat. It was so wild and scattered, so scared sounding even though the hands holding him were calm. He inhaled deeply with a tremor and he felt Leo look down toward him and sadness subsided - it didn't disappear, but it simply felt less. He was safe here, at least for a moment.

"You're warm." He whispered, snuggling deeper within the blanket and against him.

Pulling his eyes away from Mikey's exposed face to look away only to find himself looking back to him and gazing down at him with a fluttering in his belly and a swelling of his heart, Leonardo lifted a hand and brushed a stray tear from his cheek and allowed his skin to linger upon his for several moments. "I love you."

His face twisted up and he gripped at Leonardo, unwilling to move even though it hurt to hear it and yet was so good to hear all at once. He shook his head then nodded it, so confused and empty. He had been so heartless – he had used those same words on Raphael, manipulating the situation to suit his needs. He hadn't realized just how powerful those words were. They swelled inside a person, filling every black hole and cracked surface in a healing warmth – and he had used that on Raph in his most painful moment because he knew those were the words Raphael needed to hear the most. Just not from him.

"Again..." he whispered.

"I love you..." Leo quavered, his fingers pushing away the blanket from his face so he could stare at him better, his fingers brushing over the knot of distress and sadness on Mikey's face, wishing to rub it away and help his features return to one of happiness and sweetness. "I truly love you."

Michelangelo choked and he shook his head. "Me?"

Leonardo only nodded and those rich honeyed eyes warmed and stared only at him, "For a very, very long time." he whispered.

It hurt, it scared him but he hugged him close anyway. Confusion, heartache and distress aside - it was so wonderful to hear. He clung to the words and he clung to his brother and he cried... just a little longer, that was all he needed. He just needed this a little bit longer.

* * *

**Author's Note: **

After posting this, I've decided there is something wrong with me because I emotionally stunt, cripple, or yank around every character I come into contact with D: I'm a horrible author-mama!

OH Well... anyway, I know this one was slow; and the Raphael portion I'm not so sure about anymore... but I love the Donnie one. I know I already established like 10 times how much this is killing him; but it drives home to me that he bottles everything up inside and that he'd rather hide his personal feelings and pretend to be normal than to ruin anyone else's day. He doesn't want people to worry about him and in that sense, he refuses to be emotional like how Mikey wears his emotions on his sleeve. So having him break apart to the one person who hurt him just as bad years ago was my way of giving a nod to the fact that Donnie loves Raph so much... he's willing to tell his ex.

HARSH D: poor Leo!

~Melissa the Damgel


	4. Halfway Gone

**They Stumbled Towards Ecstasy**

**By: Melissa the Damgel**

**Halfway Gone**

**Ch. 4**

Donatello had woken up three mornings ago and had looked around that little room in the abandoned building and without much thought had packed up and found himself back at the Lair's front door and praying he could walk in with them still trying to squeeze in those last few minutes of rest before morning rituals and exercises would be enforced. Luck had been on his side fortunately as he made it to his lab without incident and had shut the door and bolted it sharply behind him.

He had felt eyes on him, watching him just as he got to his door and he felt ill suddenly from the fear of their inquiries.

In his desperation to let them know he was back he banged around in his lab, door locked, chair shoved under the doorknob and the sounds of machines running constantly while Led Zeppelin's music blared in the background. If he had no need to face them yet, perhaps they wouldn't swamp him with questions and drudging up emotions he wasn't ready to confront yet.

He had been able to escape all that for the time being. Yet, as the days dragged on, the feel of home weighed down upon him and ground into an unseen wound like salt and lemon juice that tortured him and left him wilting as his momentary surge of courage fled. It wasn't any easier here than it was locked away in that dilapidated room. He should have just run off and left New York. It somehow seemed so much simpler that way until questions spun in his head about how he would take care of himself without a safe haven to retreat to if he were to leave. How would he care for himself never knowing if his next meal would be fresh or picked out of a restaurant's dumpster, nor how he could continue his love of mechanics and science if he were without a lab – and it kept him rooted in place.

He stayed, but that only left him in a noise filled room, longing for silence and sitting upon the edge of his bed while Zeppelin's guitar crooned over his sound system (the one he made from scratch of course) with the lulling song of Traveling Riverside Blues hanging heavily in the air. The guitar thumped and the words assaulted his ears as though trying to uplift his spirits but failing miserably and it instead found itself in the rafters above his head without cause. The Rain Song floated into existence as Riverside Blues ended and Donatello sighed, bowing his head. At least this song fit his mood a bit more.

He had heard them, outside his door, talking quietly or passing by his door the last few days. They never actually knocked; at least for the first few days. Then Raphael was there every evening before bed, waiting by his door after giving only three raps with his knuckles. Donatello never answered the door and Raphael would eventually bid him goodnight half an hour later before leaving him in peace and not bothering him beyond the silent invitation. Whether by Leo's orders or Splinter's, they left him alone.

Oh God, Splinter. What would their father say? He hadn't seen him in what felt like weeks. Other than that last scolding about watching his blood sugar levels and taking his Father's hidden cupcakes away after finding them stashed in his room, Donatello hadn't seen him at all. He hid his face against his palm and sighed heavily.

Then his belly growled.

Donatello didn't eat consistently these days, but he couldn't deny his belly was rumbling loudly and demanding food now. He stood and shuffled around his room, turning off this or that machine that was making noise to uphold this illusion of him working. His music fell last to his fingers. Donnie realized only after he had pulled the chair from the door and had unlocked the dead bolt that he needed to stop this. He needed to grow up, to quit this childish pouting and just deal with everything. But then the very thought of looking at their faces was too much.

He left his room, entering the darkness of the Lair. It was noon – their equivalent of midnight – and the place was dark, shadows racing up over the walls from blinking lights on various electronics equipment and the stove light that was typically left on in the kitchen when everyone had retired to bed.

However, the universe seemed to decide he needed to face his demons sooner rather than later when he would have been more prepared to deal with a confrontation. Michelangelo sat at the kitchen table, his head cradled in his arms and his back rising and falling slowly as he breathed.

Donnie nearly turned around right then to leave till he realized his brother was asleep, slumped over and awkwardly comfortable upon the table's surface. His belly rumbled and Donatello pressed his hand to his stomach. So long as he was quiet it would be all right. He spied some fruit April probably had dropped off, and he shuffled over to the counter as quietly as possible to gather an apple and orange then he pulled the peanut butter from the cupboard and two slices of bread from the bag. He found the jelly in the fridge as always and with as little finesse as possible he slathered the condiments upon the bread and made himself a hasty meal, complete with finger licking to clean up the mess. The food was gathered onto a plate and a mug of coffee was poured, and when he turned around to sneak back out, he found Mikey staring at him.

Donatello didn't look away. He stared right back. He allowed Michelangelo to take in how drawn he looked, how tired and pale, how sad his eyes appeared because he could feel how heavy and hot they were; and Donnie waited till he saw Mikey's brow crease before he left, not saying a word, not looking at him, not daring to allow himself to understand the emotions inside his breast that hurt so badly from the look in his brother's blue eyes. He closed the door behind him quietly with only a soft click. He couldn't put his food down fast enough, Donatello fumbled with the deadbolt to lock the door and thrust the chair back under the knob. He leaned on the door as though holding it in place with eyes squeezed shut.

He hated him and yet, he couldn't. He loved his brother and yet he blamed him for something he couldn't be blamed for doing when he hadn't known anything about him and Raph. Michelangelo had only learned the truth after he had walked in on them and his entire world had imploded. Yet, here he was, hiding behind a recycled door and trying to breathe normally and not allow his voice to hiccup, nor to allow the pain to overwhelm him all to prove a point in private.

He wanted to hate Mike, but he couldn't because he looked just as miserable as he.

* * *

Inhaling deeply and releasing it just as measured and slowly as possible, Leonardo took a moment to center himself, to feel at peace and at ease with himself and spread it throughout his room as an aura before he opened his eyes, dipped his brush into the ink and holding back the sleeve of his yukata, he mated brush to paper and made sure, even strokes, his wrist twisting with the slightest of intentions and completing the kanji with a purist achievement that left a sprig of pride blossoming in Leo's chest. He pushed it away almost immediately – for pride could ruin a beautiful tapestry's birth – only to pause upon the next word as he heard the door of his room open.

Leo turned, studying Mikey as he fidgeted in his doorway.

"I didn't think you'd really wear it." Mike said with an offered grin to try and lighten the mood.

Looking down at the yukata, Leo turned and carefully laid the brush upon its ink pad, just as measured and traditional as everything else he was striving to perfect. With a shift of his knees, he turned upon the kneeling pillow and he faced Mike, sitting tall and straight upon his heels and his hands gripped into fists upon his knees. "It seemed a waste to never wear such a beautiful garment. And it always seemed appropriate to wear during times like these."

Michelangelo's face twisted up but he nodded and glanced to the side. It had started as a joke – Mikey teasing him years ago about how in love Leo was with the Japanese culture and the Samurai code of conduct. He had gotten him the yukata more as a tease than out of serious belief Leo would wear it; but apparently Leonardo had surprised him.

"What is it, Mikey." Leo asked firmly, drawing his brother's wandering mind back to him and the candlelit room.

Blinking owlishly, Mike hesitated and shrugged and with a sigh he closed the door, wandering over to him and flopping down gracelessly in front of Leo upon one of the other pillows he had next to his table. "Okay, look; I don't know what to do about Donnie. I don't even know how to say sorry without feeling like I'm just being a dick."

Leo nodded, tilting his head as though in thought, "We first need to get him out of his room."

That dragged a smile out of Mikey and a noisy snort of agreement, "Yeah… though I did see him… the other night." His brows knotted together and he rubbed at his neck, his throat bobbing. "He doesn't look good, Leo. He's all… thin… and like, one of those chocolates with the cherries in them – like all the juice and good stuff was suck out and he's just this chocolate shell that will be crunched up in seconds with just the wrong touch."

He raised a brow at the description – leave it to Mikey to compare someone to a piece of candy. But he ignored it in favor of focusing on what was important in that sentence. "Did Donnie say anything to you?"

Michelangelo shook his head, fidgeting with his fingers. "We just sorta looked at each other. Then he left. I mean…" He paused and winced, an aura of guilt flooding the room suddenly and stifling Leo's senses for a few heartbeats. "I mean; when I was crushing on Raph, I didn't know about him and Don. You'd be surprised how good a secret that big lug can keep! And when they fought in the garage I thought…." He stopped and swallowed again and Leo looked down at his fists, white knuckled and tense.

Though he had finally admitted to Mikey he loved him, he had never believed anything would come of it. It had been the simple act of allowing the truth to be told and to no longer allow the lies the fear what could happen should Michelangelo know to rule his daily actions. Leonardo hadn't been surprised when nothing had come of it. Though he would admit, Mike talked to him more and it was perhaps they now understood each other and where they stood in the scheme of their lives outside of being a team that made it so easy to talk to him now.

"Mikey." Leo said when he had failed to finish his sentence, and it rushed out of his brother like a flood.

"I really thought that if Donnie wasn't treating him right, then why was Raph with him? I thought maybe if Raph knew I also liked him, maybe he'd call it quits with him so he could get what he wanted… from me. I'd tell him whatever he wanted every day if that's what it took; but I didn't think about how I was jumping in without thinking – again. That it was way too soon to try and step in after Donnie. Or that…." His face twisted again with guilt and Leo exhaled slowly to keep that powerful emotion from flooding his senses. "… I was manipulating him."

Leonardo nodded, calm and quiet as he thought it over and after a hesitation in answering truthfully, he decided he couldn't start lying to him again. "Yes, you did." He agreed and Mikey's eyes snapped to his. There was a bit of hurt there but there was also relief. "You did manipulate the situation, hoping it would go your way without thinking perhaps Raph's temper had gotten away from him again and he just needed a minute to calm down before dealing with Donnie." He frowned.

"That's why I feel so dumb." Mike mumbled.

Leonardo shrugged and Michelangelo couldn't help but snort and smile weakly. "Could have argued that, you know?"

Smiling back, Leo shrugged as well, "Can't argue when it's true – in that situation I mean. You are smart, Mikey. Sometimes I think you could have been the leader if you just learned to focus more and been dedicated in your training."

Mike's face twisted in appall, "Seriously? Dude, I so would not want your job description."

Leo chuckled, "It's just an observation, Mikey. You're much more of a natural than I am. You are an athlete, and you master skills in minutes that I spend hours trying to perfect. You are very talented."

He looked embarrassed and looked away, shrugging. "Okay." He mumbled and almost as quickly switched topics again. "So what can I do for Donnie?"

Opening his mouth to answer, he was interrupted as another knock sounded on the door and Raphael's head poked in. He hesitated when he saw Leo already had company but his face twisted suddenly and he scowled, "Seriously? Bro, that robe makes you look like a girl."

Leo bristled and Mikey laughed. "It's a yukata."

"Whatever." He glanced out the door again, lingering and warring with himself and Leonardo sighed loudly.

"Just come in and sit down."

Raphael looked like he was going to put up a token fight, but gave in and soon was thumping onto the floor with the other two.

Looking back to Mikey, he spotted the lingering heartache in his brother's eyes at being so close to Raph; but apparently they had resolved everything between them enough to be civil, and that's all he could ask for right now.

"Don's not gonna forgive me for a while." Raphael said abruptly.

He considered Raphael's statement and he agreed with a nod, his eyes dropping to his hands as he recalled Don's silent treatment to him after he had broke it off between them. "It takes him a while to come to terms with personal… situations. Just be patient. You have to give him time to work up the courage to talk about his feelings; let alone with the one who slighted him." Leonardo assured him.

Raph looked away and Mikey stared at Leo, studying him far too closely for his liking. Leonardo looked away then peeked back at Mike, only to look away again and shift uncomfortably in place.

"He'll come around. Just give him a few more days." He said, mostly just to slice through the silence that seemed far too awkward to him.

"Usually he's okay with talkin' and doesn't get offended; it's just weird to see him so cut off." Raphael sighed, his brows knitting together tightly. "I… I don't want to ruin this, Leo. If I can fix it, I want too." He mumbled, his cheeks coloring a bit darker at the very personal admission.

Leonardo sighed heavily, "You hurt him, Raph. You can't expect him to just bounce back from that. He's easy going, amiable and kind when everything is right in the world for him; but when something hurts him deeply, he shuts down because he doesn't know how to handle emotions he doesn't deal with on a daily basis. He'd rather avoid the situation than confront it – which is the complete opposite of you. And you can't go charging in either, Raph."

Raphael nodded, rubbing his knuckles over his legs a few times just to give him something to do.

"Do you know all of us this well?" Mikey asked suddenly, a very sharp eyed and knowing look boring into his brother's eyes.

Leonardo wanted to look away, his cheeks coloring softly and he wanted so badly to ignore that question, but he shrugged, hoping the indifferent response would be enough answer for now. He wasn't sure if Donatello wanted their relationship to be discussed without him present. But after a strained silence and neither brother offering to end it till the question as answered, he lifted his eyes, staring into Mike's eyes and finally gave a short shake of his head.

"Holy shit!"

They all jerked in surprise at Mike's outburst and the realization in his eyes.

Rolling onto his knees and leaning forward, getting into Leo's personal space, Michelangelo's jaw dropped, "You and him? When?" He nearly squealed.

Raphael was suddenly at full attention and his eyes widened –not with shock, but anger.

Closing his eyes and feeling his shoulders slump in defeat, he inhaled deeply and released it slowly to calm himself before beginning, "Years ago; before I left for my training." He explained as simply as possible.

"Wow…" Mikey breathed in awe. Raphael drew back, either because he was seething mad and was trying to keep himself from pounding Leo's face in, or he was figuring something out.

"Look," Leonardo interrupted their thoughts while trying to hide the soft blush on his cheeks from his little revelation. "It doesn't matter. What you need to understand is that Donnie will only talk when he's good and ready. Don't push him because it'll do more damage than good, and don't assume anything until he explains it. Donnie keeps everything bottled up and it only gets released when it practically explodes. If you confront him, he only buries it deeper and it'll only take longer for him to come out of his room. Talk to him if you have a chance, but don't force him to do anything. And as awkward as it might be, sit there and wait him out. He'll eventually say something and won't stop till everything is out."

He watched the looks on their faces and knew just how hard this was going to be for them. Raphael was not patient by any stretch of the word, and Michelangelo simply had no tact. For Mikey, the meaning of subtly was posting his question on the side of a Mack truck instead of hiring a sky writer to spell it out in the open sky. Between the three of them, he was the better option for this endeavor.

"Just let me talk to him first." Leo whispered and turned upon the kneeling pillow, once again facing his calligraphy lesson and gingerly moving in the routine as he dipped the brush in the ink and poised it above the paper to continue writing. "He's back in the Lair now. He's halfway home."

Then his brush touched paper and his arm moved, his wrist held steady as he wrote the next word and he ignored his brothers now in favor or continuing to write his poem about floating in the sky of deep blue that reminded him of happiness and heartache.

* * *

Leonardo had learned long ago that Donnie was never without a plan 'B' or even a plan 'E' when it came to him building one of his machines or designing a new and better _something_. That was how he had figured out years ago how to sneak into Donnie's lab though his escape door.

He sat down on the bed, cross legged, free of weapons and even his mask as he waited for Donnie to turn around from his computers were he was half heartedly playing mahjong.

"I'm not ready." Donnie whispered, his voice rough and gravely like he had swallowed whiskey raw and allowed it to linger in his throat too long.

"You can't hide in here forever. It's been a month, Don."

He shrugged and Leonardo sighed, frowning at his brother.

"I feel like I just want everything to be forgotten and ignored."

"It's already in motion, Don; you can't deny what's going on." Leo said, leaning forward with his chin in his palm and his elbow on his knee.

Donatello shrugged again in absolute defeat, uncertain of what he could possibly say in return. So instead he shifted in his chair and closed the game on his computer screen, refusing to look at his brother because it seemed the less guilt ridden path. Leo waited though, reading him so well even at this miserable low point. It was at least one thing he had learned intimately about Donatello years ago when they had dated: he should never be pushed. He could tell by the way Donnie's fingers fidgeted that he wanted to talk, to say something, but he was too tentative about his words to say anything yet.

It took half an hour before Don finally shuddered as a breath exhaled from his chest. "Are they together?"

Leonardo waited, forcing Donnie to look at him to make sure he had heard his inquiry before Leo straightened and stood from the bed. "Donnie, I've told you they aren't. Raph stands outside your door every night, hoping you'll answer him when he knocks." He frowned at the way Don shifted uncomfortably in his chair making it squeak under him. "He isn't going to give up, you know."

Donnie nodded heavily.

A snort escaped Leo and it made Don look at him sharply. "You like it, knowing he's there waiting outside your door, don't you?"

He was about to argue it, his mouth opening immediately, but Leo snorted again and Don snapped his mouth shut.

Sighing loudly and folding his arms over his chest, Leonardo shook his head. He knew how Donatello worked and he couldn't force him to listen to anyone unless he was ready, otherwise he would accomplish the complete opposite. No, he had to at least lay the seeds carefully.

"Sometimes I hear him at night in his room, pacing. Like he can't sleep because you never answered the door."

Donnie stared at his hands.

Leo turned then, heading for the door and pulling the chair away from the knob and unbolting the lock. "It's my turn for dinner tonight. You want a plate?"

"Rice and chicken?" Donatello's throaty question was met with a glare from Leo. It managed to squeeze a half smile from Donnie's lips even though the shine in his eyes spoke he was far from being mirthful.

It was the only kind of dinner Leonardo was able to make without burning down the Lair. Chicken on a baking sheet in the oven for forty minutes and rice in the rice cooker. He supposed he could _try_ and learn how to make gravy. That could add something to his predictable meal. Well, at least his predictable meal was edible.

"You want a plate or not?" he voiced after he pulled himself from the idea of asking Mikey for help on a cooking lesson.

"Yeah… thanks." Donatello whispered.

Leonardo nodded curtly, warmth collecting in his honeyed eyes. "I'll bring it by after it's done." He replied and then exited the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

He waited, standing by Donnie's door just to see what he might do. He heard the lock turn a few minutes later upon which he released a heavy sigh. At least Donnie had _considered_ not locking it this time. He was slowly getting there.

* * *

It took a few more days, but Donatello finally ventured from his room. He had turned his machines and music off the day before, leaving the Lair in silence for a change and there he was, feeling like his insides were going to fall onto the floor with the way his heart shuddered and all thought processes failed to function. Mikey was in the kitchen staring at him and Leonardo was off in the dojo with Raphael and evidently one of them had seen him because both suddenly paused in their sparing to stare at him from the doorway.

Donnie didn't want to look at them; he didn't want them looking at him; and his belly twisted a second time so painfully he wondered if he really could make himself sick out of sheer devastation. But the idea of going back in that room weighed on him. It smothered him in a way his beloved lab never had before. So he stared at the floor and shuffled forward with all the swiftness of a soon to be executed man.

He looked away from Mikey and he was mildly grateful when his brother didn't say anything to him as he fidgeted in front of the fridge, not even really looking for anything to eat. At this point he might as well take a shot of vodka for all the good his nerves were doing him. Hunger was no longer an issue.

"Good morning, Donatello." Splinter said to his right and scared him half to death.

Donnie stared down at his father with wide eyes, his fingers shaking against the door of the fridge. "Father… M-mor-"

"My story is about to begin. You should sit with me because I'm fairly certain Dharma is going to tell Greg that she loves him but only after revealing that her dead boyfriend from two years ago was killed by his brother. It is supposed to be a very upsetting chapter in their budding relationship." He whispered as he smiled warmly to his son with that twinkle in his eyes that they had learned long ago meant he knew everything and they were not to deny him his artfully disguised for a one-on-one conference.

Donatello saw Mike move out of the corner of his eye and abruptly the idea of watching a crappy soap opera seemed absolutely brilliant. He nodded quickly and inhaled sharply to keep from passing out from lack of oxygen. Donnie realized he had been holding his breath in his attempt to not look at Michelangelo. Don just couldn't do it again without seeing the haunted and tired look in his brother's eyes from that night a few weeks ago. He quietly followed his father once he took his hand and was led out of the kitchen and to the sitting area. They sat side by side while Splinter fumbled with the remote to try and remember how it worked properly to turn the television on and then change the channel to the right station. He didn't offer any help; he knew Splinter preferred to figure it out on his own.

"Leonardo," Splinter suddenly spoke, startling all four of his sons, "would you please take your brothers to April's? She has informed me she has made a pie. It sounds quite delicious and she has kindly offered to share with us all."

Donnie heard Leonardo agree softly to follow his orders. He bowed his head, staring at his hands as they left the Lair. It didn't take much for his father to give them the privacy needed for a talk; Don just hoped he would be able to answer his questions. Sure he could breathe again now that they were gone, but he had this hollow black hole lingering in his chest that seemed to devour all his rational thoughts and left only confused emotions behind.

He barely paid his father's story any attention. The longer Splinter refused to talk to him, completely absorbed in the drama happening as Dharma revealed the truth to Greg and they tried to resolve their issues while stuck in an abandoned mining shaft and both agreeing to try and get to the dance in time (not that it made any sense to him; why didn't they want to go after the villain who threw them in there in the first place?), Don realizing the silence was whittling away at his resistance. He knew he was beginning to wilt and he couldn't refute its victory. Tears gathered abruptly, his throat choked him and it hurt to swallow. If he blinked, everything would be revealed to his father because somehow having his tears escape would mean he failed somehow.

But it wasn't like that. Splinter's hand took his wrist and he gathered his larger fingers between his thin and long ones. Donnie bowed his head, the tears dropping fast and hot. He didn't really even know why he was crying. He was just tired of this hole that existed in his chest and he wanted so badly for everything to go back to normal.

"Sometimes telling the truth is hard. But I am very happy that Dharma finally told Greg why she has been so hard on him. Sometimes-" He paused and tilted his head to the side, his thumb gently soothing along Don's knuckles before patting them. "Sometimes standing up to the harsh northern winds seem impossible. The threat of failure from exposure seems too great a risk; but once everything has been said and all fears lay bare just as openly as dreams, little graces of happiness are able to seep in and nurture them all into a healthy and thriving life. Like a tree growing upon the side of a mountain."

Donatello shifted and Splinter eased him down till his cheek rested upon his father's knee. "I kept pushing him away till he…" He swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. "Raph went to him because I couldn't be honest."

Soothing circles were rubbed along his shell and Donnie sniffled. It felt so good. He felt like a child all over again, but he needed all of this; the honesty with himself and the honesty of no longer keeping their father in the dark.

"That is why I have always told you boys to never keep secrets. Half truths and lies burrow deep and become festering fears held tightly inside, Donatello. Such dishonesty will strangle your soul if you do not chase them away."

"How?"

Hearing the answer somehow would destroy him, Donatello knew, his fingers gripping at his father's robe. It would be like living with a bellyful of poisonous snakes twisting inside his gut. But he had to ask.

"Perhaps a piece of pie might help."

Donatello lay very still at his father's side. Pie? He hesitated before he slowly sat up to look at his father and sensei. "Father?"

Splinter simply smiled and touched his palm to his son's cheek. "But first, let me finish my story. I do hope Paul refuses to go to that dance with Melanie. I find her a very spiteful woman. I much prefer the quiet Emily for Paul. She might be very shy, but she is so special."

He couldn't help but allow his mouth to twitch in a hint of a smile though it refused to fully form. His father's attempt to use his soap opera to help him was more than unique for an analogy. But as he sat there quietly, watching the last of the story; he also found his father was telling the truth – Emily was a very sweet girl. It seemed Paul was head over heels for her but just never seemed to know how to say it.

Just as the show was ending on another cliff hanger, leaving the audience with the question if Dharma and Greg would get out of the mining shaft alive before they ran out of air and whom Paul was going to ask to the dance, that's when Don watched Emily smile oh so sweetly for Paul on screen and something warm filled Donnie. Peace collected over him and he closed his eyes, exhaling slowly as he reveled in the clean feeling upon his shoulders. It was time. He was ready to talk to him.

* * *

He waited for him, staring at the ajar door from his computer desk. A shadow past by the opening and he felt his belly twist in anticipation and terror – but the door never opened further and Donnie inhaled deeply to try and calm himself.

As the minutes ticked by and dinner passed without an invitation from Leo to eat with them, the minutes continued to gather till he knew deep down in his bones that the silent knock before bed was not going to come tonight. It killed him but he felt he deserved it somehow. He had distanced himself so far and so quickly.

Breathing deep, focusing on his lungs expanding and chasing away the butterflies, Donatello stood from his desk and walked away from his lab. He climbed the stairs, his hand shaking upon the railing, but by the time he knocked on Raphael's door, he couldn't take it back and tried to remember all the courage and determination he had possessed just earlier that day while sitting on the couch with his father and a horrible soap opera playing.

But the door remained firmly closed.

He wasn't sure if he could hurt anymore. There was a numbness that had crawled through his body at the rejection. Donnie considered momentarily knocking one more time, his hand twitching, fingers reaching towards the wood, but he stopped and pulled his hand back, allowing it to curl at his side and his shoulders to fall.

Being ripped apart by sharks seemed adequate a description as he walked away, giving Raphael his space. He was so numb, so lost in the life he had created for himself he didn't know where to go other than back to his room and hide under his pillow.

Heading down the stairs slowly, taking eat step carefully so he wouldn't fall because every step he took made his knees wobble, Donatello felt eyes on him and he stopped, feeling the gaze lingering on him and he looked toward it and right into the one pair of eyes he had hoped for from the beginning.

Raphael stared up at him from the bottom of the steps; sweat on his brow and along his neck. He had been working out, Donnie could see that now.

"Hey." Raphael's voice rasped, throaty and low, whispering through the Lair and yet carrying a heaviness that finally made Donatello sit down hard on the steps.

He felt stupid and embarrassed sitting there, listening to Raph run up the steps to him before stopping uncertainly before him, offering to give him his distance.

"Raphie…" Donatello's voice broke and he didn't care anymore. Raphael was there in front of him resting upon a knee and taking his hand gingerly within his large warm palms, pressing his brow to the backs of his knuckles.

"I'm sorry." Raphael whispered and Donnie bowed towards him, eyes closing as he pressed his lips to the crown of Raph's head. It wasn't a kiss but it wasn't something entirely innocent either. It was hopeful. And they waited, holding each other's hands.

* * *

Raphael held himself back. The first hint, the lingering brush of Donnie's finger across his made him want to sit up and kiss him, but he couldn't, he had to give Don his time. It was perhaps the only piece of advice Leonardo had ever given him that he was going to listen too.

Sure enough, the longer he waited, the more he could practically feel the rope fibers being severed away, one by one they frayed and snapped till the floodgates crashed open and released Donatello from his self induced prison. He pulled his cheek away from Raph's, making Raphael glad he could no longer feel his knee from the lack of blood because he wanted to give him his full attention.

"Leonardo loves Mikey." He blurted out on a gasp of breath.

Raph opened his mouth to respond but caught himself before he could – that was so not what he was expecting Donnie to say to him for the first time in nearly a month and a half. "Huh?" he asked oh so eloquently in his confusion.

He closed his eyes and Raphael could only stare as emotion flittered across Donnie's face. It was the most he had seen from Don all at one time in years. The cloud that had been hovered above Donnie oppressively opened up, ravaging his soul and it left a stricken and uneasy fear in his dark eyes as he floundered in the flood he was creating. Raphael gripped his fingers tighter, giving him some form of anchorage.

"Don…"

"Leo left me because he was in love with Mikey and then went to South America to think about it and..." Donatello's voice trembled and his eyes widened with the memory of that day. Raphael shook his head minutely, wishing he could erase that look. "And then I waited. I waited even when he didn't come home on time, and I waited as he made his final decision."

He paused and Raphael already knew what he was going to say. Everything was making sense and fitting into place like an epically fucked up jigsaw puzzle. The math fit. That night when Don had curled in close to his side – haunted and empty, staring at him as thought asking him with his eyes if something was wrong with him – it all made sense. He knew where this was all going and he knew what Donatello was going to tell him would kill him to hear it.

Donnie's eyes refocused on him and he inhaled shakily. "You were the only one left." He whispered and immediately winced at his words, glancing away. "That came out wrong."

"How do ya expect it to sound?" Raphael hissed out harsher than he intended. Though his temper was in check and there was no risk of him starting a fight, Donnie's words had stung more than he cared to admit. He rubbed his nose harshly and glanced away, but his fingers remained wound tight upon Donnie's. He refused to ruin this. He exhaled slowly before looking back to him, catching his scared eyes and trying to calm him with a gentle stroke of his thumb over his. He nod then, jaw tightening as he urged him to continue.

Donatello gasped, leaning closer to him and the room suddenly felt so big with them in the middle of it. Dark eyes consumed him, tugging him toward that locked door Raphael had been trying to unlock for years. He softened his composure and Donatello's face reflected his relief even as he relaxed and his fingers ceased their terrified trembling.

"I didn't know what to do. I couldn't talk to Leo about him leaving because…."

Raphael shook his head and it was so obvious why. "And you couldn't talk to Mike. I get it." His thumb rubbed across Donnie's knuckles and he felt a quiver travel through Donnie's shoulders. He had to hurry before he shut down. "Donnie…" He tilted his head and he managed to capture his attention, holding it and forcing him to stare back so he could understand the importance of his next words. "Why didn't you just talk to me?"

Donnie crumbled in front of him. There weren't uncontrollable tears bombarding him, nor did he try to run away or push him from his personal space; it was a slow collapse that left him exposed and the truth as easy to read as an open book.

"I was embarrassed… humiliated at first..." he trailed off and dropped his eyes to their joined hands. His brows knitted together, losing himself in his memories of that time. When he spoke again, his voice dipped, rougher and thicker, it echoed in the darkness of the common room and cloaked within the moment. "Then you told me you loved me." He looked to him again, brows knotted in the middle with a glimmer of light catching in Donatello's eyes. "I was so scared… and I was so happy all once. You made me smile and feel alive…" and the tears finally began to gather and his face twisted, his lower lip trembling as he tried so hard to keep himself composed. "And I didn't want to lose that. I didn't want you to leave me too."

Raphael sighed and bowed his head to Donnie's hand and he kissed his wrist, swallowing the lump in his throat. It really made sense now, his violent reaction and the absolute pain he had shown him that day - as did his reluctance to voice anything. It made sense: if Don didn't say anything, it couldn't be counted as true.

"Donnie…"

"And then I walked in on _that_ and it felt like it was starting all over again." He choked out. Raphael sat up, trying to pull his hands from Don's so he could do something for him other than just holding his hand – but Donnie made a strangled sound in his throat and he suddenly had his arms filled with Donatello's shaking body. Don gripped at him, cradling his cheeks and pressing their brows together as he hiccupped and struggled to move closer to him without tumbling them down the stairs.

"I'm sorry," Raphael whispered, his words reverberating through their bodies and in the space between them, "but it's not just my fault."

Donatello winced but nodded in agreement with him. His thumb stroked against Raphs' jaw and Raphael reached up, cradling his wrist in his palm.

"I know." He whispered in the darkness.

Trailing his fingers down and gently gripping his elbow, Raphael watched him for a time, watched as Donnie struggled to calm himself and reign in his emotions.

"What is it?" Raphael asked, bumping his nose against Donnie's and receiving a small gasp for the action.

Donatello hesitated and shrugged, his eyes flicking away from his.

"Don't you dare hide from me." Raphael's tone remained soft and husky as his fingers dared to trail up Donnie's arms. He hoped he didn't sound as desperate as he felt. He couldn't have Don locking himself off to him now that they were finally getting somewhere.

"Leo said you and Mike…" he trailed off, his fingers twitching against Raph's jaw.

Raphael grunted and dropped his own eyes, shaking his head weakly though he refused to pull back and separate from him. They were breathing the same air again, the warm puffs of breath against his cheek and he wanted to bathe in the sensation, remembering all the splendid moments in the past that they had shared in a similar fashion. "I love _you,_ Donnie. I screwed up, but it ain't goin' to happen again. Not if you can forgive me and let me into your life this time."

He saw Donatello squeeze his eyes shut and not a second later he gave a small nod against his brow as Don looked to him. His hands cupped his cheeks, his warm palms consuming him into this moment that was filled with nothing but Donatello. He could see him, hear him, smell him and it was more than he deserved.

"May I kiss you?" Donatello asked with a lilt to his voice.

He didn't answer him, he only leaned in and kissed him quick, gentle and chaste. It was slow and careful yet there was a desperation there that they both held back in favor of remembering what these delicate and precious instances were like in their hectic lives. Donnie inhaled sharply and broke the kiss so they could breathe, but their lips brushed again and again; delicate and searching. Turning his head suddenly and leaving Raphael to kiss his cheek, Donatello quivered, leaning into him and slowly wrapping his arms up and around Raph's shoulders, his face hidden against his neck.

Warmth spread across his flesh and Raphael could feel the words there, though he heard very little. It tickled his skin like a butterfly kiss in the warm sunlight and Raphael held him close, settling a hand upon Donatello's neck; "Hmm?"

Donnie stiffened slightly though he didn't remove his hand from Raph's cheek as he pulled back just enough for him to hear him this time, his brow brushing across his jaw and his lips leaving a warm imprint against his neck. "I love you."

Raphael swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut, his throat working hard to try and open his voice to speech. It overwhelmed him and he felt like he wanted to lie down and never move again so long as he could hold onto Donnie like this without pause. He settled for gripping at Donatello close and bowing his head against his shoulder with a shaky gasp and trembling fingers as they trailed across his shoulders, and Raphael wrapped himself around Donatello and kept his mouth firmly shut, unwilling to ruin this.

"Raphie?" Don asked with a quaver, his shoulders stiffening.

He twisted then and kissed his neck and jaw, he fluttered kisses across Donatello's eyes and down over his cheeks till he knew he would be able to speak in a choked whisper against his ear. "Donnie.… Thank you."

Don moved, his hand touching Raphael's neck as he nudged his nose against his and their lips touched, meeting in a tender renewal that was all they needed. They whispered to one another, they dragged small smiles out of the other as Don commented on how numb his butt was from sitting on the stairs, or helping the other stand with a the groan of pain as the other stretched out his aching knee. They both lingered, seemingly unwilling to pull away from the other and only eventually decided to make their way back up the stairs to crawl into a hammock too small for the pair of them, yet finding it just perfect nonetheless. They tangled themselves together and stared at one another endlessly, drawing lazy patterns upon the other's flesh like an artist breathing life.

When their eyes finally dropped and sleep teased them, Donnie's head tucked itself underneath Raphael's chin warmly and their toes wiggling against the other's as though every inch of their bodies had missed the other. Nothing could possibly be better than this. When sleep finally claimed them, it was deep and restful leaving both with sweet dreams. They needed to fix a lot of things between them; but it was enough for now. This was all they needed till morning broke.

* * *

WOOO long time no update! o_o crap hit the fan in the family. that's my only excuse.

but I hope you enjoyed this. I really wanted to get it right and I struggled with getting Raph right - trying to make him no fly off the handle and be understanding as well as still him, unyielding and so on. hard. I don't think I completely got him right. but anyway. There will be more to come. just need to write a few more bridge portions to the ending and I'll get them posted! :D

And tell me what you think! I like to hear from you guys!

~Melissa the Damgel

((p.s. and to those of you who read this BEFORE i realized I FORGOT to erase the first version of that encounter... XD freebee to you~ oops))


	5. Patience

Title: They Stumbled Towards Ecstasy  
Rating: NC-17  
Pairing: Raph/Don  
Disclaimer: I don't own the turtles.  
Summary: A year later and Donnie still wishes Raph would just stick to the damn plan.  
Warnings: Holy-Moly is there turtle-lovin' sex in this one. Patience is a virtue ;)

* * *

~~~~~5~~~~~

~Patience~

~One Year Later~

"Just sit tight, Mike's on the way and Raph already has the corridor secure." Don spoke into the mike from his position upon the roof. He lifted up his binoculars and shifted the focus once again as he zoned in on Leonardo through the window, seeing him cling to the ceiling like some perverse science experimental fly gone wrong. Leo was dressed in traditional ninja garb; only his eyes were visible from beneath the black clothe, and Donnie could see, further down the hall, a team of Foot ninja patrolling the hallway heading n his direction.

"Hurry." Leo whispered in his own mic.

Donatello grunted and shifted back to his laptop, typing into it quickly and with his foot he shifted it over to a switchboard with a simple 'L, R, and M' buttons marked into it. With his toe he pushed the 'M' button and he punched at the keyboard. "Mike, hurry. Leo needs backup."

"Roger that, Captain."

He could just see the smug little grin on his baby brother's face. Donnie shook his head and rolled his eyes before he turned off Mikey's comm and switched over to the 'R' button and sighed heavily.

"Don't let 'em get to ya." Raph spoke into his ear.

Don rubbed at his brow, sighing heavily. "It's not that." He shifted through the file and cleared his throat but was interrupted again.

"You have to forgive him. You forgave me after all."

"Who said that?" Donnie grumbled, glaring at the screen and zoning in on the ventilation pipe Leo had been attempting to plant the remote control turtle-cam along with the bomb it was dragging behind it before he was oh so rudely interrupted by the Foot ninja in the hallway.

"Yer dick." Raph snorted right back, but his voice was softer, more hushed and Donatello could see him silently moving down the hall towards the hallway. "If I remember correctly, you had me pinned down on yer damn work table goin' ta town on my ass and moanin' in my ear 'bout you lovin' me and how much ya didn't want ta lose me."

Donatello blushed a deep scarlet and he fumbled a bit with the binoculars as he tried to find Raphael through the windows. "... Shut up." He huffed out and shivered – damn him. "Just help Leo out. He's on the floor above you."

"Got it. One distraction comin' up."

"Be careful; don't give Leo's position away. They haven't spotted him yet and-"

Raphael was already up the stairs and he stalked forward right up to the Foot ninjas and then shouted, throwing a sharp right hook into the closest man's jaw and instantly Raphael had fifteen or so men turning and charging him.

"Damnit Raph!" Don shouted, shaking. "You idiot!"

Suddenly Mikey shouted in his ear and he flicked his lenses over and saw his brother charging forward, cape flying out behind him and a nunchuku twirling above his head.

"Idiots!" Donnie shouted right back at all of them, snarling as he typed away wildly. "Leo! Get the turtle-cam into the vent or so help me I'll flay you alive and cook you with turnips!"

"Better do what he says, Leo. Donnie's got his angry voice." Raph grunted behind a snicker, his fist connecting with another face and his steel toed boot slamming into another's groin - which got an 'ouch' out of Mikey as he giggled.

"But-" Leo started.

"Leonardo!" Donatello roared. "Follow the damn plan!"

He could just see him in his head, Leo getting that thin lipped, shoulder's back look as he grew possessive over his title of being the leader – but at the same time his humble acceptance that this time around, Donnie was in charge and knew what to do had to take precedence over his pride. Don could see him nodding his head all confident and determined after his emotions had finished battling out his desire to fight for his leadership position. He wondered if this was the reason why Raph liked to egg him on – _'Note to self: ask Raph about that later.' _

"Right." Leonardo said. He made a grunt as he got back to work, pulling the vent cover off and wiggling up into the duct till it leveled off. Then the turtle-cam came out and was switched on.

Typing wildly into the computer, Donatello had its destination instantly worked out. With a hard tap of the enter key, the turtle-cam roared to life and began clambering down the vent with little taps of its legs.

"Leo, get down there and help those tactless idiots before they get killed." Donnie ordered and moved away from his workstation to go digging through his bag. "And get to the left side of the hallway and into the stairwell. When the bomb goes off-"

"We know!" All three yelled back at the same time.

"Safest place when the bomb goes off." Raphael commented before breaking a man's arm and kicking him away with a foot to the chest.

"Just get to the left." Donnie snapped and pulled a rather large tube-like gun out of his bag and took to a knee on the edge of the building, aiming it to the right hand side of the mass amount of Foot ninja. "I'm firing the bazooka in 5-4-"

"Bazooka?" Mike and Leo shouted together as they half ran and were half dragged around the corner by Raphael just as Don said '1' and the bazooka's grenade was launched into the night, leaving a trail of smoke behind it before it crashed through the window and exploded, leveling the hall and several walls and he took out half the Foot ninja to boot.

"That's why we stick to the damn plan!" Donatello shouted in their ears and then proceeded to grumble as he went back to his station to check on the turtle-cam. "Now get to the stairwell before I shoot another one just because I'm pissed!"

"Aye, aye Captain." Mikey squeaked.

It was easy clean up at that point for Leo and Raph, Mikey protecting their backs as they inched their way to the left side of the building and to the stairwell Donnie had repeatedly talked about. They finished off their enemies with one last sweep of a katana and they burst onto the stairs, rushing down them like a runaway freight train.

"Why would you give him a bazooka?" Leonardo hissed.

"Seemed like a good idea at the time." Raph said, and Donnie could just see him shrugging and then throwing a grin at Fearless from behind his helmet, "He totally got turned on when I gave it to him. Made this little sigh and giggle-"

"Raph!" Donatello blushed.

"Sorry." He mumbled.

Donatello sighed and shook his head, glaring at his laptop as he got back to work, waiting for turtle-cam to shift into position. Once it had reached the small circular vent that opened up into the labratory of Dr. Stockman, Donnie flipped the switch. The bomb dropped from the turtle-cam's arm and landed with a soft tinkering upon the ground then rolled end over end on itself before it settled like a coin under a table. "T-minus 5... 4... 3..."

He went silent and looked up and was greeted three seconds later by the sight of the building exploding outwards with a quaking boom and crack, breaking the windows and sending glass careening to the pavement below with smoke wafting through the openings and cracks within the structure itself.

"Donnie seriously got turned on by a big gun?"

"Damn right he did." Raphael snickered and Donatello blushed pressing his face into his hand and groaning. Mikey would never stop teasing him.

* * *

They filed into the lair and each gave a sigh of relief. Leonardo always equated it to them finally feeling safe the moment they walked through the threshhold of home. Like home was a portal to relaxation and numb release.

Rapahel's heavy steps echoed in the quiet lair. Arm wrapped around Donnie's shoulders, he dipped down and kissed his brow before he handed over some of the equipment he had offered to carry for him and mumbled something about getting to bed and not to take too long.

"Just be patient." Don scolded.

Raphael's eyes practically burst with fire as he leveled a look at Don. "I'll show you patience." He growled. Donnie blushed ever so faintly and didn't respond, dragging his equipment into his lab to put away.

Leonardo watched his brother head up the stairs, helmet under his arm and a bounce to his step even with the weariness they were all feeling after the mission. Leo felt it too, a buzz of adrenaline skipping through his veins. As tired as he was, he wouldn't be able to sleep for a while. Meditation usually helped on these nights, but as Mikey bounced passed him on his way to the televisions while skimming through an armful of his game selections; he knew no one would be getting to bed anytime soon.

It hurt, being near him and yet never actually being close. It'd been a year since he said anything and still Mikey hadn't indicated anything. That was alright, he wouldn't push him into something he didn't feel. It just ached inside. Longing. Everything he felt being kept at a distance for the sake of normalcy. He was happy Michelangelo at least knew. It was the only thing that kept him from despair. But he still had dreams – slumbering and waking – and he wondered, he wished...

"Uh, you wanna play?" Mike held up a controller, a smile spreading over his face. "I'll let you pick the game."

Leonardo smiled, his chest feeling tight but a small hint of pleasure at the offer of friendship. He was getting used to it, even after all his thoughts of wondering what more would be like. Maybe loving him from a distance would be enough.

"Sure." He agreed and wandered over, taking a controller from Mike and taking a seat. He waved to Donnie as he left his lab with a sigh, and he nodded back to Leo with a tired smile.

Michelangelo leapt onto the couch with him, cross-legged and leaning forward. "You're so going down. I've been practicing!"

"If you practiced ninjitsu as much as you played your games-"

Mikey waved him off. "We're so not going to think about that right now, Leo. What we are going to focus on is relaxing by beating the shit out of each other via therapeutic video game violence. Agreed?" He flashed a smile at him, blue eyes so brilliant and so innocent even after a mission that reminded him why he tried so hard.

Leo nodded, a faint smile in return. He could see a flicker of confusion in Mike's face from the heavy regret and longing he was sure slipped past his carefully controlled mask. But Mikey would soon forget about it in favor of having fun. This moment was good, too; being here with him. He just had to get used to it. This was it for him. Them.

"Okay. No talk of training; just beating you." Leonardo smirked and smashed his thumb down on the start option and the game began and his little cart jolted forward on the t.v.

"Hey! No fair!" Mikey shouted and scrambled for his controller, jabbing the buttons to try and catch up, his eyes wide and tongue sticking out. "You are so going to pay for that! Wait til I get a red turtle shell!"

"Dream on." Leo smiled.

This was good too. Just in a different way.

* * *

Sighing, Donatello packed away his toys. He momentarily smiled and patted the bazooka case - he still got rather giddy every time he thought of Raphael bringing it home the first time.

Raphael had brought it out in a flourish and presented it to him like a bouquet of flowers. When he found out he had stolen it from a military base, he had been horrified and instantly greedy and didn't want to give up his new toy. He loved his gift.

Turning out the lights of his lab, he headed for his room, more than ready for a good night's sleep, nodding to Leo in passing. Donatello groaned and rubbed at his neck as he tried to loosen the muscles in his back. The mission had been a success, but at the same time it had been a disaster. It hadn't been a simple in and out mission like he had hoped. It had been long and difficult and nothing had gone smoothly. But, they all made it home and none of them had been seriously hurt, so he had to consider it a job well done.

Pushing the door of his room open, he released another sigh and closed it behind him, letting his head roll upon his shoulders.

"'Bout time ya got here."

Jerking at his familiar voice, Donatello twisted about and huffed with a hand pressed to his chest. "Raph, you scared me. I thought you would be asleep by now." He said, his mouth opening again to continue, but he stopped short. His eyes widened and ran over the length of Raphael's leather clad body, helmet under his arm and his hand on his hip with a raised brow and a smirk.

Raph stalked toward Don, amber eyes locked on his, gazing solely into him and drinking him in. Raphael tossed his helmet to the side and Donatello shivered. He could smell him, heady and powerful and Donatello swallowed, taking a step back but Raphael's hand brushed across Donnie's plastron and it sent bolts of instant want across his skin and Don stopped in his tracks, sucking in a breath. Raph's hand settled on his hip, pulling him closer.

Donatello shook himself and took a moment to look Raphael up and down again, his fingers shyly reaching out and touching the leather and metal. His Nightwatcher suit was so... imposing. Even without his helmet, he practically oozed alpha male vigilante that took names and kicked ass while flipping off the law. Plus, the suit was so tight. It encompassed his body and hugged him just right. It accented each hard muscled line upon his body, and the leather wrapped around him so tightly Donnie suddenly found himself jealous. He blushed at his thoughts and his finger teased the zipper resting against his throat.

"You know... I've never seen you play with your toy before." He whispered, curling around Don, his hands trailing up his shell and down along his skin, rubbing circles into his hip bones that protruded ever so slightly between his shell and plastron. "I can see why you like it so much." He rumbled.

Shivering, Donatello nodded, leaning into Raph, hungry for more of his caresses, but he pulled away slightly, blinking owlishly up at him, actually attempting to clear his head. "I never did thank you for it."

"Yes you did." Raph scoffed at his words. "You got this look on your face and... well... you did this little smile….and then your tongue." He explained, staring down at him, his gloved hand moving up to run down his shoulder.

Donatello blushed faintly but couldn't drag his eyes away from Raphael. "Oh…then…we're settled." His voice dropped down and grew soft and hoarse.

Raphael nodded, a small smile touching his lips, "Yeah..." He whispered and lifted his hand to press it against Donnie's cheek.

He churred suddenly and Raphael chuckled. Donatello shot him a glare but his body nearly quivered with the jolt of lust shooting up from his belly and spreading throughout his body. He didn't know what it was; was it really the suit? It seemed stupid to be turned on by something Raphael wore when him not in it was sexy enough.

Raphael wrapped him in his arms, pulling him close and smirking against his neck. "You really like this thing on me?" he teased and nudged him with his hips.

Donatello nodded quickly, burying his warm face against his neck before nibbling at his skin. "Mmm, yes." He churred.

"Well then," Raphael husked and Donatello looked up, hungry and reaching up for him, his tail wiggling anxiously. Raph just grinned and lifted him up and Donatello instantly wrapped his legs around his waist, rolling his hips against his.

It was like they were freshly mated – clinging to the other, hands grasping and rubbing, mouths latched together – only this time, Donatello felt leather and he growled in his throat, searching for skin with fumbling fingers.

A lamp fell to the floor, knocking out one source of light in their stumbling exodus to the bed and Donnie's back hit the wall instead. A leather hand grabbed at his hands and forced them above his head. Struggling, Donatello inhaled deeply, Raphael pushed a hard kiss on him and Don returned it, his groin filling with heat and expanding, growing tight within its prison.

"Ya know what I should do, Donnie-boy? Tie ya to that bed and take my time with ya. Slow…hard…inch by inch, tastin' ya, fuckin' ya," he breathed against his ear and Donatello's insides flipped, roiling with delight and he groaned, pushing his hips against Raph's.

Raphael smirked against his neck and Donnie gasped. It felt so good. "Yes," He breathed, "do."

He did just that. Pulling Don from the wall, he pushed him down onto the bed and Donatello felt the silk sliding over his wrists, locking them together above his head. Raphael straddled his hips and Donnie watched him through hooded eyes as he rubbed and teased against his plastron, moving down, stroking and rubbing along the slit that hid away his erection. It was like a fluttering tease, making butterflies jump to life in his belly, and Raph's fingers shot heat up his spine and into his groin. With a rumble from Raph, Donnie dropped down, sliding into his leather palm.

"Good boy." Raphael's deep voice washed over him, husky and deep and Donatello churred, feeling the leather encased hands of his mate rub and tease him.

"Raphie…" Donatello whimpered, arching against him, his hips trying to lift up to thrust into his warm hand, but his weight kept him in place and he was Raphael's to tease.

"Ya know, I was doin' a bit of reading." Raphael said, one hand rubbing along Donnie's sides, pressing into every sensitive nook and cranny with practiced ease, skillfully drawing moans from Don as if he were fine-tuning his bike. A little stroke here (his hand pumped over his erection), a little tightening over there (his free hand gripped at the back of his neck and pulled his head up as he bowed forward, kissing him deeply), and with a bit of a cleanup across the top (Raphael's thumb swiped over the top to wipe away the beads of pre-cum beading on the tip), Donatello writhed, churring and wiggling under him.

"So I was readin'…" Raph said again, pulling out of the kiss with a gasp of his own and Donnie's eyes locked with his amber ones. They bore into him, searing his soul and everything inside of Donnie leapt, his pulse racing, his lust rising and Donatello moaned, his knees parting and yet Raph refused to shift his position and fill the space just yet. Normally he'd be eager to take advantage of their positions, but tonight, he wanted whatever alpha dominance Raphael was giving off to just cover him head to toe because he didn't want to think. He wanted to let go of his control. He wanted to just bask in Raphael, like how his hand gripped him tight then relaxed as it pumped over his erection faster.

"I was readin' about this sex thing, where people would get right ta the edge of orgasm then back off." He smirked. Donnie wanted to know why, his hips bucking, trying to get more friction on his cock so he could do just that, cum. "And I was thinkin' what if we tried that?"

"'Kay." Donnie gasped, twisting under him and whimpering.

Raph chuckled and kissed Don, distracting him for a moment longer, then his hand flew over his erection and Donnie shouted, head thrown back and hips rising. He lifted Raphael an inch or so as Raphael's leather hand pumped him, dragging every inch of his familiar grip across his sex and driving him fast and hard toward the edge. He squeezed and pulled just right and he fluttered his thumb over the head perfectly. Donatello's toes curled and he shook his head, tension rising in his body, his thighs quivering, his belly tightening as that feeling of explosive promise rose-

Then Raphael's fingers tightened around the base of his cock and whatever orgasm he was about to have was squelched. He shouted, eyes snapping open and he bucked, tugging hard on the silk ropes. "Raphie!" he howled, twisting against him. "What? Why… don't stop!"

He smirked, watching him, holding tight and not releasing his cock. Donatello trembled and shook with his eyes wide. His body buzzed as if his orgasm was living under his skin, screaming to get out. What was going on? Why had Raph stopped? What did he promise to again?

It was agony for several minutes as Donatello whimpered and his orgasm faded slowly backward into a hum, his cock twitching and tingling but no longer stimulated enough for release.

"Raphie? What…"

"I told you." He whispered, easing off of his hips and leaning forward, kissing the side of his lips and breathing across his flushed cheeks. "It's a kink – some people get right ta the edge of orgasm then stop themselves. It's supposed ta intensify every time they pull back." He explained. He shifted their positions and he slid between Donatello's thighs, unzipping his Nightwatcher suit slowly. Donnie shivered, not certain he cared for this kink – but seeing Raphael slowly strip….that was a worthwhile sight.

Reaching inside, Raphael inhaled sharply as he dropped into his own hand, stroking his flesh and grunting as he stared down at him. He kept one hand on Donatello's hip, holding him down and in place while the other moved faster over his own cock. "I can't wait ta touch you – without my gloves." He said, and Donatello's eyes flickered back and forth between Raphael's face and to his hand squeezing his flesh and pumping it. "Goin' ta kiss you, suck on you, make ya say my name," he panted and Donnie realized that buzzing sensation grew stronger inside of him as Raph listed his fantasy.

Raphael grunted and his leaned forward a little, hovering over him, his hand jerking faster. "Goin' ta…ta stretch you, with my tongue first." He whispered and Donatello gasped, trying to lift his head to find his lips. "Then, I'm goin' ta flip ya over and…and take ya." He described, his hand squeezing Donnie's hip and jolts of pleasure exploded across his skin at the very idea. "Make you scream for me…" He rumbled and Donnie whimpered, arching his neck, leaning closer. "Over…and...over." he churred.

Raph smiled down at him, his cheeks warm and a deeper shade than before, and Don glanced down at his hand, at the slick and wet slide the leather sounded as it raced over the twitching flesh. But he could see it, the tightening in Raphael's thighs, the jerk of his cock, the hitch in his lungs; he was so close; pre-cum drooled around the head and–

With a moan, and a twist in Donnie's belly, Raphael pulled his hand away and sat up straight, holding tight to Don's hips to keep himself from touching himself that one last second. Donatello inhaled sharply as his eyes widened. "Finish…" He choked out. It was like torture; even laying here and not seeing Raph reach his own climax was a small torture and he wriggled, every move he made sent small spikes of pleasure racing through his veins.

Winking at him suddenly, Raphael flipped Donatello around, lifting his ass into the air and he bent forward, taking his tail into his mouth and suckling on it. Donatello cried out and pushed back against his mouth, his thighs quivering already.

He moved quickly, playing with the wriggling tail, his tongue rubbing against him. Moving down a little, his breath washing over Donnie's flesh, he lapped and licked, teasing Don's opening and the olive turtle churred, trembling and writhing against him. He felt him, oh so slowly, pushing into him with his tongue in a hot, wet push, and he groaned loudly into the pillow, his teeth nipping at his arm. The buzz shifted into a thrumming, pulsing energy and Donatello basked in its ebbs and flows, riding the waves as his orgasm grew and he didn't care if Raphael did nothing else but stroke his thighs and stretch him, it just felt so good.

A hiss sounded behind him Don opened his eyes, yet he was unwilling to move to see what Raphael was doing. Then fingers touched him, flesh fingers, hot and sweaty from being cooped up so long in the suit. They brushed up his thighs and Donatello moaned, his legs spreading all the wider, tail curling upward over the lip of his shell. Chill, slick application of lubricant stoked the fires within him and he mewled the moment Raphael's finger breached him and pushed inside to finish what he started with a thick digit.

It built again, slower this time, but growing larger and Donnie twisted inside, his cock twitching between his legs and he whimpered, thrusting his hips backward, "Raphie-Raphie-"he whispered, toes digging into the bedding.

Raph chuckled and leaned down behind him and Donnie choked as a hot breath trailed down his backside and then a broad tongue ran up the length of his erection. He moaned loudly, his hands clawing at the air. A hitch in his breathing, a twist of that finger inside of him that sent sparks of passion through him and Donatello keened, his churrs rising without restraint, so close to the overwhelming wave, it was about to wash over him in a crash – and then Raphael pulled away completely. No finger, no faint warmth of leather just barely touching skin, and no tongue against his erection.

Donatello cried out and twisted, thrusting forward, but hands caught his hips and held him in place, refusing to allow him his release even via bed sheets.

"No more…no more…let me cum!" Donnie's voice cracked, his cry sounding like a squeak of defeat.

"Not yet." Raphael rumbled and rubbed a small circle on his hip, trying to calm him without stimulating him.

The living, breathing orgasm thrummed inside of him and Donatello quavered before its presence. He wanted to release it, allow it the rampage it had thought it would have twice now. Instead it rebelled, roaring inside of him, bashing against his flesh and making his blood sing. Yet it remained trapped and nothing happened at all until it settled from a thrumming to that quivering buzz under his skin.

"Raphie…." He wanted, "Please."

"Not yet." Raph whispered and stroked his thigh, he just barely touched him, giving him a minute, and his lust faded a little by little – his body felt on a knife's edge, exhausted and yet desperate to continue the trek onward.

"What should I do next, Donnie-boy?" Raphael asked, his mouth nipping along his shoulder as he shifted behind him, churring softly in his chest.

"Fuck me." Donatello gasped, lifting his head, twisting to try and get to him.

Raph chuckled and shook his head, a hand cupping Don's thigh and gliding it upward till he was able to play with his tail.

It was pure torture!

"Please…" He whined, lips moving in a silent chant.

"Mmm, I have a better idea." He moved up the bed and when Donnie opened his eyes, peeking up at him and he watched Raphael reach for the silk tied to the headboard. There, right there in front of his face was Raphael's cock, hard and bobbing. Donatello lunged forward, his mouth latching onto him, nearly choking as he swallowed against him. Raphael fell forward, his hands clutching Donnie's head with a strangled cry and a twist of his hips.

He slurped and rubbed his tongue across Raphael's erection, suckling and bobbing his head. He couldn't touch him, his hands straining against the silk; but maybe he could convince him to end this torture game. Donatello could feel it, rising inside of him, a perverse hunger for an orgasm – anyone's – to finally reach completion. He swirled his tongue around the head, dipping his tongue into the slit there and moaning against him as Raphael cursed and clawed at his shell, thrusting forward and jabbing at the back of his throat. He gagged and he didn't care, he just wanted Raphael. That's all he wanted right down to the very core of his being.

Donatello churred and Raphael's voice rose above his head, desperate and jagged pants for air, his body tightening around him, his toes just inches from slipping off the cliff-

Raphael ripped himself free and stumbled from the bed and fell to the ground, a roar escaping him as his tipped his head back and gasped for air, his cock twitching between his legs.

"Raphie, Raphie-" Donnie whimpered, pulling on the silk, staring down at him with lips he felt were large and tender.

Raphael slammed a fist into the ground shuddered, shaking his head and gritting his teeth. It took him a moment, but Donatello whimpered as he got control of himself – and no orgasm.

"Please, no more. I can't stand it." He just wanted the throbbing to erupt and free itself of his body. He wanted the bliss already.

"So….sneaky…." Raph said, eyeing him. He sat there, twitching as if the very air was arousing him. So Donatello churred without restraint, twisting against the silk, dipping his hips, flipping his tail in the air and wagging to invite Raphael to visit what it hid, boisterously and with vigor preferably. He stared right back into Raphael's burning eyes, his own hooded and he was certain they were near black with want. He couldn't let Raph walk away now. He needed him; like three near-orgasms ago.

But he did nothing. He just sat there, watching him and Donatello hissed. He's vaguely remembered threatening Raph at one point, but it was just a blur, a blur of hunger and despair and anger. He cursed as Raphael stood and just watched him, cocking his head as if watching a curious reaction from his experiment.

Then he shouted as Raphael jerked his hips around to the edge of the bed and he thrust into him without focus. His blood roared back to life and he clawed at the air, hips bucking backward against Raphael's as his cock stretched and filled him, inch by glorious and hot inch. Raphael's hands held tight to his thighs, easing himself inside with urgency and it was so infectious. Donatello writhed, churring and moaning, clinging to the feeling of joining with Raphael, of finally having him invade his mind, body and soul.

The moment Raph was seated inside of him, he paused and the lust buzzed faster, pulsing, and then movement and it was so deliciously hard and slow. Raphael sighed and just like that, Donnie realized he was not going to get fucked hard – no, this was just the promise that with each measured thrust, Raphael would drag him every step of the way back up that mountain to the peak at an agonizing pace. His flesh drew against his, his hands roamed, his breath hot against his neck and Donatello sucked in air, his eyes fluttering.

It was slow, but oh so good.

"So…tight. So hot." Raphael panted, his hips snapping forward with an unexpected and hard thrust, and then continued with the slow building pace. Donatello quavered.

"More…" Donnie whimpered. Pure energy like a beast rose up, every nerve ending tingled and Raphael drove pulses of bliss home with every jab of his cock inside of him.

He sipped at the air, twisting beneath Raph, mewling with each light show that exploded behind his eyelids, and his erection twitched. The faint graze of Raphael's fingers made him shout and thrust back hard, forcing Raphael deeper inside of him. His orgasm moved fast, barreling, overtaking and they panted, jerking together. Raphael's hips snapped faster against him, sweat gathering, Raph's fingers clawed at his hips and his teeth nipped as his shoulder possessively and it was just there, so close, Raphael's body drawing up, his cock rising, twitching, shuddering inside of him just as Donnie's own was, ready to-

Raphael pulled out and took a step back with a cry and an agonized groan, holding Donnie's hips.

Donatello screamed, flinging himself backward, desperate and searching for Raphael's body. He writhed and sobbed, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes as he quivered; then he just collapsed, whimpering into the pillow. It was just too much. He couldn't survive another. Eyes peeking open to stare at Raphael's twisted face, eyes squeezed shut and teeth gritted, Donatello opened his mouth, cooes escaping, "Don't stop. Please, need you." He couldn't seem to convince his body to move, just pant for air.

He felt Raph shift onto the bed and his hands were freed, his backside tingling as it momentarily brushed across leather and flesh. He was rolled back onto his shell and Rapahel leaned down, kissing him sharply. It was so cruel and he whimpered against him, his fingers clawing at the bedding under him because moving was just not possible and here he was, inches away from the one who could grant him release, and he again was denied. He kissed back, lips trembling, their tongues rolling over the others, tasting and claiming. He churred in his chest, but it just egged on the buzzing pleasure in his body that had faded ever so slowly.

Don's arms eventually were able to move and they wrapped around Raphael's shoulders, fingers fumbling and pushing at the leather and metal. Raph pulled back for a moment, jerking on his outfit, tugging his arms out and his Nightwatcher suit gathered around his waist. Eyes heavy with lust, Donatello watched him, inhaling sharply as his scent washed over him and his lips locked over his. Touching him again, sliding hands over warm and moist skin, Raphael growled and lifted his boneless body up and settled him over his hips. Donatello hummed – because anything else seemed like too much work – and he felt him there, nudging at his backside. Lifting up just so, Donatello pushed and Raphael slipped back inside and his head fell back. Raph kissed his throat.

If the pace before was slow, this was even slower, but with jabbing, sharp jerks of Raphael's hips. Each thrust was a snap and an instant burst of pleasure across Donnie's body, feeding the beast and coaxing it back to the forefront. He raised himself up and fell back down onto him, Raphael's hands guiding him while his body bounced, his cock trapped between them and painting Raph's plastron with pre-cum dribbling from the tip.

He bounced faster and faster, eyes rolling back in his head, Raph's teeth at his throat biting and suckling his flesh, his fingers digging into his shoulders, his tail twisting and thumping against Raph's slick cock, and his heart fluttered as everything rose up and wrapped around them like a blanket, muffling the world beyond till it was just the two of them and their arms around the other with this monster of an orgasm growling between them.

Donnie's breath hitched and Raphael moved a little faster, forcing him down onto his cock faster, snapping his hips up in return. A hand rubbed along his thigh and Donatello cried out, desperate and determined to follow Raphie to the ends of the earth for this orgasm. Then Raphael pushed him away and he cried, shaking his head, hands reaching out for him as he fell backward onto the bed harshly, writhing atop the sheets on his back.

"No! No! Not again, no more…"he sobbed, reaching blindly out for him, but his legs were hooked over powerful arms, raised up and placed upon broad shoulders and suddenly Raphie was back and driving into him, hard and determined, fast and without mercy and Donatello clawed at his arms, screaming his name over and over, unable to stop moving. Every slide of skin on skin, the twist of the bed sheets, a hiss of breath, the burn of amber eyes staring at him and the faint sound of Raphael talking to him, demanding he stare at him. Everything rose within him like a storm ready to split him in half.

He stared at Raphael with wide eyes and Raphael bent down, pressing his lips to his. Neither could kiss as they churred and groaned, bodies moving faster and tensing, coiling in their guts, the dread of Raphael pulling away – it just faded into a white static of ecstasy and he screamed as the beast was released, the wave crashed over him, his mind ripped in two as an orgasm unlike any other claimed him and shattered everything in him from pure ecstasy. He didn't have an identity, he didn't have a name, he was just there, with another collapsing on him after being filled with the heat of his own cosmic orgasm.

They lay there, panting, eyes sightless and limbs heavy, and shell, was it good.

Donnie didn't know how long they lay there. He was pretty sure he blacked out at some point too. Raphael's breathing had evened out when he could remember anything at all. Don struggled, concentrating far too hard on moving his hand. It fell upon Raph's shoulders and slid down to the back of his neck and a keening sound escaped his mate's throat, a tremble quickly following.

"Worth…being…patience." Raphael gasped.

Donatello groaned, his lips working with a full body post-coital shudder. He just couldn't move or care enough to argue. Raphael did shift though and Donnie whimpered, his weak fingers trying to wrap around his neck to keep him in place against him, aftershocks still racing through his body as Raphael pulled out of him. He struggled to remove the last half of his Nightwatcher suit, acting as if moving his fingers wasn't possible. He collapsed next to him after kicking the last bit of leather off his foot, wrapping his large arms around Donatello's waist and holding him against his chest.

Donnie curled against him, nudging his nose against Raph's throat and sighing when he was allowed to stay there. "Mmmm," he hummed. In his head it had been a full sentence along the lines of adoration, sarcasm at the brutality of such a kink while at the same time praising it and demanding to do this again sometime; but his body continued to hum in a pleased and satisfied way and he felt himself drifting toward sleep.

"Love ya, Donnie-boy."

Donatello smiled, his fingers twitching against his arm and he hummed again, his lips moving against Raphael's throat, "Love…you…too. Good…sleep." He slurred out and Raphael chuckled like a rumble deep in his chest that rolled over him and warmed him. It was the last thing he heard before darkness claimed him and he fell into a perfect sleep.

* * *

Author Note: So here I am! I'm back. Sorry about the wait. Hopefully I repaid your patience with this update. And on a happy note, I already have the next two chapters written, I just have to edit them and then I can post them :)

Let me know what you thought! thanks!

~Melissa the Damgel


	6. Katas

Title: They Stumbled Towards Ecstasy  
Rating: PG-13  
Pairing: Raph/Don, One-sided Leo+Mikey  
Disclaimer: I don't own the turtles.  
Summary: Life isn't normal yet, but it's getting there; and for one turtle, it's also becoming apparent he wasn't the only one affected by last year's troubles.  
Warnings: An unhealthy obsession with Leo's Katas? :) I love them.

* * *

**~Katas~**

**~6~**

A week later, Donatello was still humming from that night. He didn't even care he hadn't finish that project on time. It wasn't like they really needed an improved coffee machine right away. He wrapped himself around Raphael on the couch, his eyes falling closed as he just enjoyed the sensation of being pressed against Raphael's side, the gentle trailing of his mate's fingers along his shoulders or legs was heaven; and even Leo's burnt chicken at dinner hadn't been able to pull him out of his daze.

"What did you do to him?" Mikey asked finally during movie night, staring openly at the limp and nearly churring form of Donatello, his legs draped over Raphael's one and his head tucked against his shoulder, loose and pliant with a soft sigh escaping him as they watched the opening credits to Inner Space.

Raphael smirked and looked away, ignoring Mikey in favor of half watching the movie and half basking in peacock pride at having basically fried Donnie's brain for a full week.

Mike huffed at that and looked back to the movie, popping a handful of popcorn into his mouth. A can of soda suddenly appeared in front of his face and Mikey blinked, tilting his head up and back to stare at Leonardo, his own mug of hot, steamy tea in his other hand.

"Huh?"

"You always complain about forgetting your drink." Leo said as way of explanation before he dropped the cold drink next to Mike and moved around the couch, sitting on Raphael's opposite side, sparing Donnie a raised a brow before he settled in comfortably to watch the movie.

Michelangelo glanced at the wide open space to his left then back to Leo clear on the other side of the couch and across the sickly lovey-dovey, piled up forms of his two brothers. His belly twisting a little and he frowned, grabbing a handful of popcorn and shoving it into his mouth. Whatever. It wasn't like he wanted him sitting next to him anyway. It was a big couch. It wasn't like his spot had the best view of the T.V. either.

"Mikey?"

He turned his head, staring at Leo from over Donatello's still faintly churring form.

"That thing you wanted to go too next week, you said you were going to help me with…uh…a costume?"

"Cosplay-"

Raphael barked a laugh and Donnie's toe twitched from the disturbance. Damn, what did Raph do to the brainiac? "Fearless is goin' ta let you dress him up?" Raph grinned at Mike, his amber eyes blazing in mirth. "Shell, I hope you got him wearin' a dress."

Michelangelo felt a little tug in his belly at the sight of Raphael's blazing eyes, but then he puffed up in defense, glaring at him, "No! It's way cooler than that! I have everything all ready! I've been working on it for months now! It's going to be so cool that Leo will totally want to go to the New York Comic Con with me next year!"

"Uh…" Leo started but was interrupted with a bark of laughter from Raph.

"Dream on. Bet ya he chickens out after you get him dressed up."

"Will not! Right Leo?"

Leo sighed heavily and looked from Raph to Mikey then back. "I will not allow Michelangelo to go to the convention alone. I will go; one way or another."

"I'm not talkin' about that, I'm sayin' ya will chicken out of wearin' his costume-"

"Cosplay!" Mike snapped, fuming.

"Mmmmm…" Donatello said, a little twist of his face against the unwanted disturbance to his bliss numbed state. "Raphie…" he mumbled and wrapped an arm about his neck, nuzzling against his throat and Raphael smirked, patting Don's thigh.

"Why can he call you Raphie but I can't?" Mikey whined suddenly, changing the topic.

"'Cause." Raph grunted and the room filled with pudding suddenly. At least, that's how it felt to Mike as he jerked his head away and stared at the television, watching Mike Meyers. It still was so awkward, even a year later. Everything had finally started to feel normal again. Why did he have to open his big mouth? He knew why. Duh, Mikey. It was because Raph was doing whatever it was he did to Donnie to fry his brain like that. He didn't need a why from Raph. He just said it because by saying something whiney it made him feel like the baby brother again teasing his sibling.

It just wasn't going to ever be the same again. Not for a very long time. He picked at the popcorn in the bowl.

Halfway through the movie, Leo leaned forward suddenly, setting his empty mug of tea on the table. Mike glanced at him, and Leo turned, toward him, as if feeling his eyes, and he offered a small smile. Mikey jerked back toward the television, fingering the popcorn; then he dared to sneak a peek down at his side, seeing the soda still resting against the cushion. Klunk jumped up and joined him, curling up against his side in a warm, fuzzy ball of purring vibrations and immediately started washing her face. He took the soda in hand and opened it, sipping at the bubbly contents, and then he shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth and finally laughed softly at Mike Meyer's character.

And just like that, the weight on his chest lifted. At least for the moment.

* * *

"Seriously?" Mikey scowled, nudging a toe at the heavy and worn rugs in the dojo.

"I'm very seriously, Michelangelo. You will stay for another half an hour and perfect this kata. You have been too lax as of late." Splinter tapped his stick against the floor, his long fingers curling over the top with faint clicks of his nails. Its sharp cracking sound echoed in the vaulted room of the dojo, reinforcing his law.

Michelangelo pouted and stalled for a minute longer, staring at his Sensei imploringly. It wasn't that he enjoyed being lax, he was just not interested in that particular kata. There were no fancy movements or flamboyant kicks. It was just a slow and boring routine of hand and foot placements.

"I would like the extra practice, Sensei, may I stay and join him?"

Splinter frowned, his whiskers twitching as both he and Mikey turned to look at Leonardo in the doorway, the sweat on his brow not having a chance to cool yet. A protest looked to be forming on Splinter's lips, but with a flick of his tail, Splinter nodded and waved his eldest son in.

A sheepish and rather grateful smile crawled over Michelangelo's face and Leo offered a half smile; yet, his honey brown eyes looked so…sad? Why was he sad?

"Begin." Splinter tapped his stick and they moved into the first stance and Mikey's mind began wandering before they had even made it to the fifth form.

"Michelangelo, you are not paying attention. Begin again." Splinter snapped.

On the third restart, Splinter's whiskers were twitching wildly and his tail thumped the carpets and Mikey felt a hint of fear well up in him. He was so going to have to do, like, a hundred flips.

"May I coach him, Father?"

Again, a protest seemed to form on Splinters lips, but with a faint tilt of his head, he nodded and turned. "I will return in half an hour, I would like to see you much improved, Michelangelo. I am not opposed to forcing you to continue practicing well into the afternoon."

Terror this time filled Mikey and he jerked his head to Leo, desperate for help. He wouldn't last! He'd die of hunger and thirst, and he'd miss the new Justice Force episode!

Leonardo regarded Mike with that leadership look about him – shoulders back, his chin raised and his face pulled tight in a very intense stare. Oh great, he traded Splinter for Mr. Leonardo, Relentless Taskmaster. What was he thinking?

Leo nodded then, voice a hushed release of his breath, "Follow me. I'll mirror your actions."

"Huh?"

"Begin."

Michelangelo fell into the first stance without thought and Leo followed him – though instead of Leo's left hand held palm up and right foot back, he was opposite. Mirroring his actions. Oh! He grinned slowly and shifted into the second movement and just like that, it was a game. Everything Mikey did, Leo followed, quietly correcting him if his foot was off, or if he didn't raise his arms high enough. It became a dance of sorts and they circled each other, this slow and almost useless kata no longer seeming so boring. Michelangelo muscles worked, warming and stretching, coiling beneath his sweating skin, but he didn't feel any of that. The kata wasn't flamboyant, but it honed his movements. Mikey could see the pleasure Leo derived from the kata, and he finally understood why the eldest actually enjoyed performing extra bouts of practice late at night via katas.

He supposed it could actually be fun.

"Again." Leo whispered and they never slowed, gliding right back into the first form for the third time.

Leonardo stared so intently at him Mikey couldn't draw his eyes away. He dipped, Leo followed with him, perfectly in harmony, their breathing drawing in and releasing in sync, little trembles in their muscles mirrored the other, and Mikey's body flushed, feeling the heat crawl up his cheeks as he the burn of physically succeeding swelled within. A smile twitched at his lips and a faint one matched on Leo's and this moment, this slow intensity building and circling in a room that faded around him….this was so cool.

"Much better. I will expect more of you tomorrow, Michelangelo."

The room burst around him, his vision opening once again and he stumbled as the room opened up and soared above his head the moment his master's voice broke through his trance. Mikey blinked and glanced over at Splinter, the kata screeching to a halt just like that. Leonardo straightened, bowing to Splinter, elegant even as he moved mechanically in his respect.

"Uh, yeah…I'll try harder, Sensei." He bowed to Splinter and Leonardo walked past, joining Splinter at the doorway.

"That was very clever, Leonardo. I am pleased." He smiled to his eldest, patting his forearm before they left.

Mikey remained in the dojo, abruptly confused and standing alone in the middle of an expanse of faded and trampled smattering of rugs as he watched Leonardo leave without a second look. Was he actually hoping Leo would stick around and maybe keep going? Was he hoping that maybe Leo….

"That's crazy talk!" Mikey shouted at himself and he ran out of the dojo with a forced whoop of delight and dashed past Splinter and Leonardo, making a beeline for the television. His pulse finally calming down once he left the dojo and crazy thoughts of extra practice far behind him.

* * *

"It was... interesting." Leo drawled, helping Michelangelo down the slick ladder and into the chilly sewer. He raised a brow behind Mikey's back as he watched him adjust the cape over his white and extremely tight costume he wore.

Looking up at Leo, Mike smiled that goofy but completely happy smile of his with his fists on his hips in his hero pose. "Yeah, but you gotta admit, it was so cool!" He laughed and took Leo's arm, tugging on the cloth of the costume he wore as well. They were both dressed up in 'cosplay' as Mikey called it. Mike was made up as one of his favorite comic book heroes, a superhero that flew around and saved people.

Leo didn't have a favorite comic book hero - though he was reading some of Mikey's books as a favor to him. So Michelangelo did the best he could do; he was a pirate. How that worked, he didn't know, he just felt like Mikey kept adding weird things to his costume as if he needed to just fill in the blank spaces. He had a spoon in his wig. What the shell?

"So who am I again?" Leo asked as he scowled down at his outfit and adjusted one of the many trinkets on his body and pushed some of the wig's hair out of his face - again.

"Captain Jack Sparrow, duh! Though, honestly, you're more like Will Turner than Jack. You're too noble to be a pirate, plus, you act like you have a stick up your ass. You'd totally be Will." He flashed him a grin as he guided him around a corner and they both hopped the water in the center to stand on the walkway on the other side to continue on home. "Raph would probably be a good Jack." He continued "And Don would probably have to be... uh..." Michelangelo took a moment to think that over as they trudged through the dank and dark tunnels. "Hmm, well... maybe Mr. Gibbs?"

Leo raised a brow. What was he talking about? Was this based on a comic? "Uh-huh. And who'd you be?"

"Why, Elizabeth Swann of course! She's super cute," he batted his eyes at Leo, and that got a smirk out of him, "she kicked a lot of ass in the last two movies, and she even became King of the Pirates. Even though she acts all prissy, really, she's just a down and dirty pirate that speaks all proper." He waved his hand in the air.

Smirking, Leo took two giant steps to catch up to him, his shoulder bumping his, "Oh? And why would you want to be a girl?"

Turning on him and stepping in close, Leo abruptly found himself back peddling till his shell hit the damp sewer wall and he found himself pressed in due to rich blue eyes capturing his. Far too close, Mikey breathed the air right out of him.

"Because," Mikey whispered, "Elizabeth and Will get married at the end." Leo's heart jumped and he felt his lips part. It was so quiet, all except for water trickling past and Mike's breath wafting over his chin and his fingers curling into his loose shirt. "I'm sure you know what that implies." Mike whispered, his face suddenly that much closer and his hands that much bolder.

Swallowing hard and nodding with a jerk, Leo couldn't drag his eyes from his, his own fingers quivering as they hovered over Mikey's wrist. Time stopped, his heart hammered, and his knees shook. "Hai..." Leo whispered, lost in the magical world Mikey had created around them simply by breathing his air.

Smiling and allowing a giggle to tickle out in the air, Michelangelo pulled away, his fingers hooking around Leo's and he easily lead him away. "Plus! That means I'd get to wear all those amazing dresses! She had the best taste in clothes! I'd get to be a kickass damsel in distress and you'd get to be the hero who rescues me." He ranted, his free hand waving about in the air, every step he bounced on his toes, and he looked back at him every two seconds with a huge smile on his face.

He followed blindly. His heart wouldn't stop pounding madly against his ribs, and his mind felt empty, buzzing, and unable to settle all at once. He felt flushed and cold, sluggish and skittish. He felt scared and yet hopeful. Hope... such a foreign word after so many years.

Mike's fingers were so warm.

They slid from his wrist once they reached the entrance to their lair and Leo suddenly wished they had taken the longer route. Mike skipped into the lair once the wall parted and he followed, his hands trying to find something to do, so he pulled his wig off. He pulled the trinkets off his fingers, the bandana around his head that also doubled as a way for some of the heavier trinkets to hang in the proper places, and he pulled out the gold covering his teeth.

"Leo?"

Looking up, Leonardo's eyes first locked on Raphael smirking up at him – obviously still finding this cosplay he willingly agreed to do all so Mikey had an escort to this convention a funny sight. Ignoring him, Leo turned and gazed down at Mike standing at the bottom of the stairs. Michelangelo raised a brow then waved his hand for him to follow. "Come on. I'll help you get that stuff off your face."

He nodded, suddenly remembering Mike had put false stubble, twin ropey beards with beads on his chin, and scabs and wounds and makeup and whatever else he had wanted to put on him. He followed quietly, shooting Raphael a look as his brother snickered at him. Soon enough he was in the bathroom, sitting on the cold lid of the toilet and allowing Mikey to handle the clean up.

Leo smiled, listening to Mike babble about how awesome the Con had been. It wasn't his thing per-say, but he had enjoyed it, mostly because Mikey had. "It wasn't so bad." He agreed finally, wiping his face clean with a rough washrag after Mike had finished using the chemicals to scrape and remove the stubble and eye makeup.

"Not bad? It was great! It was so much fun! We have to go again! Maybe next time you can be a ninja!" Mike grinned then blinked and narrowed his eyes. "Well, okay, maybe not; you already are one. But something else. Maybe one of those... oh..." Mikey's eyes lit up in wonder at his idea. "Maybe one of those Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon people. Maybe that desert guy!"

"Lo? No!" Leonardo scowled. "He was a bandit! He had no true skill and he was nothing but a petty thief!"

Mike glared back at him, "And who'd you want to be? That Chow Yun-Fat guy? Sounds like a bad Chinese dinner."

"His character's name was Li Mu-Bai, an accomplished Wudang swords master. He had both honor and heart." Leo defended, puffing up in the process.

Mike grinned, his blue eyes sparkling in that playful way they did before copious amounts of teasing were to commence. "You really do like that movie." He poked Leo in the cheek.

Looking away mostly in embarrassment, Leo mumbled, "Yeah well, it was a good movie."

"Yeah, but he dies! He doesn't even get to be with the lady he loves!"

"But she knew." He said, looking at Mike in surprise. "They both knew before he died. Sure it was lousy he died afterwards, but - it wasn't a secret."

Leo shrugged suddenly and looked down, busying himself with fidgeting with the multiple layers of wrapped cloth around his waist. "I'd rather know and feel sorrow after their death than never know and live a long life wondering if we could have been more than just friends."

Michelangelo was so quiet all of a sudden. Leonardo raised his eyes, the cloth falling free from his waist. Mikey held still, staring at something over his shoulder.

"Mike?" He asked, holding out the waistbands to him as way of an excuse to touch his hand.

Snapping out of his thoughts, Mike stared at the colorful fabric blankly for a split second before he smiled and laughed weakly. "You know, you're really just a romantic guy at heart." He laughed again, but it was empty and fake.

Leo waited, leaning toward him with a quiver in his chest, but all he got was a prompt to finish taking off the rest of his costume and he watched Mike head out, folding up the costume as he left, leaving him alone in the chilly bathroom with only his thoughts for company.

Yes, hope was a foreign visitor these days. One minute he thought it might be possible, the next, he knew he was only kidding himself.

* * *

"Hey," Raphael stretched in bed as Donatello walked in, finished for the night. Raphael leaned over, placing his book on the end table then he grinned rakishly and grabbed at Donnie's wrist, tugging him down onto the bed with him.

Don hummed and willingly fell against him, closing his eyes and sighing. "Sleepy." He mumbled against his chest.

"No shit Sherlock. It's almost three." Raph peeked at him then rolled him over, hovering above him as he started stripping Don of his pads and his mask. "Ya shouldn't be stayin' up so late." He scolded.

Donatello snorted and lifted his hips, helping Raph pull his obi off only for it to get flung across the room. "Just wanted to get everything done before I forgot it in the morning….and what did we talk about with keeping our room clean?"

Raph raised a brow at him then snorted, kissing his neck, "Don't remember." He nipped at his shoulder, sliding between Donnie's legs just to distract the brainiac. It worked because Don chuckled, his eyes heavy and hooded.

"Well, we need to try and keep it relatively decent."

"I'm keeping _you_ relatively decent by dragging your tight ass to bed every other night."

"Raph…" Don sighed and Raphael smirked, hovering over him. "I'm tired." He finally whined, his lower lip sticking out.

"Just want ta ask ya somethin' real quick." He said, dipping his head down to peck his pouting lip. It made Don look at him at least and tilt his head in askance. "I've been noticin' Leo. He's been actin' quiet lately."

Donatello frowned, his fingers playing along Raphael's arms. "Yeah." He admitted after a moment.

Raphael waited, hoping Don had some insight before he spouted his stupid one, but he didn't respond and Raph frowned. "What if Mikey never-"

"Then it's his own fault." Donnie whispered, staring at Raphael's chest, trying very hard to avoid his gaze.

He sighed and waited patiently – seriously, best advice Leo had ever given him had been about letting Donnie build till he blurted everything out. It took quite a while, but Donatello huffed suddenly, his brows knotting together. "I know! I need to forgive him; but it's just so hard. I can't get that image of him out of my head and-"

"But ya forgave me." Raph whispered and Donatello slumped, looking away and to the side to stare at the book he was reading. Raphael shifted and laid beside him, dragging Donnie's shell up against his plastron and he curled around him, propping his chin on his shoulder while Donnie intertwined their fingers and gripped him. "Don, if ya can find it in yer heart to forgive me; ya need ta forgive Mike. He's…grown up a lot this year."

"I know." Don whispered and Raph bowed his head, nuzzling at his cheek and Donnie sighed, relaxing a little. "It's not like I'm _not_ trying. There are days I feel like I'm coming to terms with it and everything will get back to normal soon and I'll be able to just look at him normally again; but then other days I just….I want to punch him; let out everything. I'm still bitter. I don't like it, but-"

"It's hard ta make it go away. Yer preachin' to the choir."

A smile spread over his face and Raph rumbled. He very much liked that look on his face and snuggled in a little closer, all nice and warm with pliant and sculpted skin against his is own. "Now, ya gonna be okay ta hear the rest of what I got ta say?"

Donatello sighed and nodded, shifting a little so he could stare up at him with dark eyes, "Yes."

"Good. Now, I was askin' what if Mikey never makes the first move."

Don shook his head before he ever finished. "He has too. Leo isn't good at initiating. He ends things, but he doesn't start them."

Raph raised a brow and a blush spread over Donnie's cheeks.

"Anyway." He grunted, running a hand along Donatello's thigh just to remind himself to chill out because he won and got Donnie in the end. "So if Mikey don't make the first move-"

"Doesn't."

Raphael glared and a smile curled Don's lips playfully. "-_doesn't_ make the first move, should we step in or just let this awkwardness hang between us all for the rest of our lives?"

Donnie sighed, wrapping his arms about his neck loosely. "We can't interfere. It has to be their choice. I don't even know if Mikey is interested in Leo. It might just…" He lowered his eyes, "It might just lead to nothing for them. Leo will either live with it, or maybe someday they will meet someone else. An alien, or different dimension. I've often wondered what Usagi's world is like. Turtles like us are normal. What if we were to live there for a time? We could walk out in the open, bask in the sun." His eyes grew distant with the idea and Raph kissed his nose, drawing Donnie out of his thoughts.

"Thinkin' up new vacation destinations for us, huh, brainiac?" He asked, but it was a half-hearted comeback. "Yer right. Always are-" Don shook his head and Raph huffed, "-you are. Even yer dumbass side is usually right." He smirked then dragged the comforter over their bodies and he stretched out, clicking the light off before he snuggled down into the bed with Donnie, breathing against his neck as he placed a goodnight kiss against his cheek then laid down beside him.

"That's it? The talks over?"

He snorted, "Course it is. It's three in the damn morning. Get some sleep."

Donatello huffed right back, fidgeting for a moment to get comfortable. He turned in his arms so they were plastron to plastron, his arm wrapped about his waist and his head pillowed on Raph's shoulder. "Now I can't turn my brain off. Thanks." He grumbled.

Raphael grinned, his hand reaching down to grip Donatello's ass and enjoyed the wiggling of his tail brushing over his fingers. "I can think of a way ta turn it off."

Don sucked in a breath and shivered, his hands tightening on his shell. "It's late." He whispered.

"And tomorrow's Sunday; no practice." His voice rumbled, vibrating in his chest.

"Oh…" Don said, holding very still. Then, with a warm hand sliding down his side to plant itself on the mattress he rose above him and pushed a thigh between Raphael's legs, "Well, when you put it that way…" he ducked his head and kissed him and Raphael churred, spreading his legs for Donnie. Don was right, there was nothing they could do for Leo and Mike; not unless they wanted it. But they could focus on themselves and the way they fit together so perfectly as they continued to fix each other and mold a stronger relationship with talks late in the night and the touch of warm fingertips.

And the sex wasn't bad either.

* * *

The knock on his lab door broke his concentration and he flipped the switch, turning the soldering tool off. Lifting his goggles up and onto his brow, Donatello turned to look over his shoulder and he stared back at Mikey, shifting nervously in the doorway, playing with the handle.

His belly twisted and he fumbled as he stood, at least having the sense to put the soldering tool back into its stand to keep it from burning a hole through his table or worse – him. He stared at the floor, at his tables, far to the left of where Mikey stood, but he didn't look him directly in the eye yet.

"Hey…. Uh…did you need something?"

Mikey shrugged, twisting the doorknob several more times. "Um…well…I was…wondering if you could help me with something." He said, his voice so quiet and sheepish, it just didn't sound like Michelangelo at all.

Donnie nodded, fumbling with his gloves and taking them off, shoving them into the front pocket of his leather apron. "Sure…" He said, looking down at his feet.

It just lingered like a heavy weight between them. All he could see were flushed cheeks, darkened blue eyes, legs wrapped-

He swallowed hard and groped behind his shell to undo his leather apron and set it on his recently vacated chair. This was going to suck in so many ways. Donatello inhaled sharply, looking Mike square and direct. He felt like he might break if his little brother looked at him wrong, but Raph was right, he needed to face him and forgive him someday. He might as well start now.

But that fucking memory flashed before his eyes and all those emotions welled up in him – the anger and betrayal, the hurt and the jealousy, the despair – it all came back and he had to stop himself from looking away.

Mikey lifted his eyes and his blue looked so uncertain, so sad. Then he offered a weak smile. "I…uh…I wanted help doin' some research. I…I want to get another set of cosplay for me and Leo to use…." He said then looked down, rubbing at his neck, shuffling back half a step.

Donnie nodded, trying to calm his breathing. "Sure." He whispered and the little spark of hope in Mike's eyes did something inside him. It was almost like seeing Mikey in the same boat as him – just as desperate to figure this out and fighting every emotion he felt – it put them on equal ground.

It wasn't going to be easy, but this was a start. Mikey hurried to his side and they sat down at the computer to begin his search. They weren't sitting as close as they typically would have in the past, and they still had a long journey to go before their bridges could be rebuilt.

But it was a start.

* * *

"Please! Please please please please please-" Michelangelo chanted, his hands grasping at his arms and tugging him toward him. Leonardo narrowed his eyes and grunted, folding his arms over his chest.

"Mikey, what is this about?"

"I just…" Mike blinked at him, for a moment stunned, and then he reached out and grabbed Leo's hand, tugging on him. "Seriously, dude, I just want to practice with you. Splinter's riding my ass about my kata's and I just thought maybe if you helped me like you did last month I'll get him off my back for awhile."

Leonardo narrowed his eyes and a bit of annoyance filled him. "Mike, that's not what these katas are for. It's not about just doing them to make Splinter stop pestering you about your lack of dedication. They are vital and important-"

"-important to our ninja skills. I know! I…" His blue eyes stared at him and Leo's belly flipped. He stared so…so insistent at him. He stared at him like he was his last hope. "When you helped me, it was a lot of fun. I just…I thought maybe…" His shoulders fell.

Leo's hands fell to his sides and he sighed, bowing his head. "I'll help." He whispered and managed only a faint smile as Mikey shouted in joy and flung his arms about his shoulders to hug him then he turned and dashed from the room, leading the way to the dojo.

He didn't know if he could do it, again. Last time had just happened, just wanting to help him, maybe spend a little time with him, and the next he knew, they were practically communing. He had run for it the moment Splinter had come back because it gave him the opportunity to hide from the more painful longings.

Mikey grinned at him from the center of the dojo, one of his cd's playing on the stereo so it wasn't dead silent, and he bounced on his toes.

This was good for Mike though, to show interest in his training beyond just being good enough to kick some ass.

"Okay, so the one Splinter showed us yesterday is confusing the hell out of me. I barely got through it yesterday-"

"You did just fine. It was powerful and smooth."

Michelangelo scoffed suddenly and Leo cocked his head. "Dude, I was BSing it. I copied you at the last second and managed to pull it off. I didn't know what I was doing."

That got a puff of annoyance from Fearless and Leonardo's hands moved to his hips. "You should have told Master Splinter."

"I was tired! I wanted to eat something." Mikey whined, waving his hand in the air. "Anyway, come on! Teach away, Teach." He grinned, dropping down into a horse stance with his fists curled and down by his waist.

Leonardo sighed and moved to stand in front of him, locking eyes with him as he fell into the same stance. "Begin."

The kata started smooth enough, then Leonardo realized right away Mikey was lying. He understood the kata, his feet moved lightly and to their exact destinations, his shoulders strong, his strikes powerful but slow, and Leo waited, gazing into his eyes. Mike then shifted, moving his foot back an inch to the left before he lifted up into a kick and twisted his hips the wrong way on purpose. He made a groan and stood straight.

"See? That's what I mean, I don't get it."

Standing tall and folding his arms over his chest, Leonardo glared, waiting. Mike blinked, looking oh so innocent and giving him the puppy dog eyes, but as the minutes ticked by he began to fidget, Leo could see him cracking.

"Michelangelo, you know this kata. What is this about?"

"Nothing. Just wanted your help." He chirped and moved back down into the starting stance. "Come on. Let's try again-"

"Mikey."

His voice must have sounded sharper than he meant it too because his blue eyes flinched and he jerked his gaze away. His smile failing.

"Mike, I'm more than happy to help you with your training. But don't lie to me. What it is?"

"It was cool, okay?" He mumbled and turned, moving over to the stereo to turn off the music. "It was like we were dancing last time. It was fun. But, whatever, I'll just go play my games." He jerked the cord out of the wall a little harder than needed and Leo's arms slid down to his sides, taking a step toward him, his face softening.

"Alright," He said, gentler. "We could start over-"

"Naw. It's okay. You don't want to do it, that's cool." He said, wrapping up the cord, eyes down.

"I do." Leo insisted and moved over to his side, taking his elbow then stepped back at the glare he got.

"Well you didn't exactly look like you were into it, Leo. I thought you being Mr. Training Guy that you would have been all over training more, but you just looked like you smelled something stinky."

"That's not-"

Mikey huffed and something in Leonardo built up. It was a mixture of the pain, the longing, and the acceptance he had come to recognize as this being the rest of his life, and his heart hurt, because this was it. This was all Mikey and he would ever be.

"Don't act like this." He snapped and he took a step forward, forcing Mike back one. "It's not that I don't want too, it's just too hard." Leo leaned forward and he felt his carefully controlled mask slip and more of the boiling emotions racing to burst free. "Last time wasn't fun for me."

Michelangelo's eyes jerked up, surprised.

"It was a slow torture. Being right there with you, both of us moving…dancing." He swallowed, his heart pounding in a room too large and empty around him. "You know how I feel about you and yet I still know nothing of how you-" he stopped and his lungs squeezing the air from his body and everything narrowed to twin blue eyes that commanded his soul. "You just tease me and give me this false sense of camaraderie. I…" He shook his head and his brows knotted together.

He had said too much. He would break whatever little truce they had if he kept going. But it was too late and the words marched from his lips. "We danced and I was breaking because it meant more to me than it should." He hissed, throat locking up.

Mikey stared for a moment, blue eyes so large Leo felt guilty, and then his ypungest brother pushed past him, rushing from the dojo. Leonardo swallowed hard, his nails digging into his palms and he tried to just breathe. He couldn't seem to get enough oxygen into his lungs. He ruined everything. He wouldn't be able to stay, not here living this half life. He just loved him too much; and now he would need to leave just to get over him.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope you like~ this one is much slower, yes, I'm sorry. But I felt like it was important...plus, I needed to build up to the cosplay scene :) That scene was written almost near the beginning of when I started this story, and it's remained intact exactly how I wrote it. I love that scene...

but I also love the kata scene. I was originally going to use it in Fearless Leader, another story i'm working on, but it fit so much better here that I had to finally concede defeat and leave it here. heh.

I really wanted to drive home that Leo; yes, it was ill-timed how he confessed his love to Mikey back in chapter 3. He meant it whole heartedly, but Mikey wasn't in the right mindset or emotionally capable of seeing it for how Leo meant it to be. And I know exactly how Leo feels... there was this guy back in highschool that I was head over heels for, and just knowing that it was never going to go anywhere, it's this huge weight on your shoulders, even though I would never give up any of the time we spent together, because he was that great of a guy... so even though poor Leo had horrible timing, I totally feel for him.

anyway...leave me feedback! I thrive on reviews and it energizes me to keep writing more. :)

~Melissa the Damgel


	7. On My Own

Title: They Stumbled Towards Ecstasy

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Raph/Don, One-sided Leo+Mikey

Disclaimer: I don't own the turtles.

Summary: "Without me, his world will go on turning. A world that's full of happiness that I have never known."

Warnings: ANGST~Y

* * *

**On My Own**

**~7~**

"Donnie!" Michelangelo burst through the door, his hands shaking, his stomach ready to heave and he just couldn't stop shaking as he stared at his brother, his face twisting up, his breathing coming in gasps and he realized too late he shouldn't have come to _him_. But here he was and he couldn't breathe and Donnie was staring at him like he was waiting for him to tell him he was shot with poison and about to foam at the mouth and die any second unless he could whip up a batch of magical anti-venom and that totally wasn't the same thing and he just couldn't think straight!

"What? What is it? Are you all right? Where's Leo? Raph?" Donnie asked in quick order, glancing over his shoulder and then he took Mikey's shoulders and gripped, looking him in the eyes. "Mikey?"

"I didn't know…" Mikey whispered, hiccupping with a mangled retching in his throat.

"Didn't know what? What happened?" Donatello reached for his head to check his temperature and Mikey jerked away from him, his shell hitting the side of the door and slammed it shut behind him. His knees finally gave out and he fell onto his ass, head bowed and hands gripping his ankles.

"Mikey!" Donatello darted forward, dropping to his knees in front of him, his hands hovering above him.

"Leo loves me. I didn't know!" he trembled, looking up at him, eyes wide and heart thundering against his plastron. "I thought he liked me! He's been so nice to me lately and-"he stopped at the look on Donnie's face as it changed into a mix of pain and confusion with a hint of him withdrawing. "I…" he swallowed hard. "I thought…"

Don drew his hands back, sitting back on his heels as he bowed his head, fists pressing to his knees. "He said to me last year that he told you."

He shook his head though he felt his lunch bubbling up from his belly and he swallowed again. "Huh?"

A sigh and his shoulders fell, Donatello lifted his dark eyes and that far away sadness made his eyes so large and empty. "Mikey, he broke up with me because he loved you. He left to go on his training mission because he needed to figure himself out…because of you. He told me that last year after…" He sipped at the air in sharp inhales, his eyes looking away as his muscles tightened. "He said he told you. You were upset and…and he was trying to help and he sat down with you and then it just slipped out."

Michelangelo stared at Don, certain he was going to laugh cruelly and then tell him he was joking because he still hated him and just wanted to make him suffer. But nothing happened except Donatello lifting his eyes to stare at him, focusing once more on him and not the past.

"He….left you?"

Don's brows knitted together and he looked at Mikey as if asking him why he needed that, of everything he just told him, confirmed. His fists tightened and he struggled to breath for a moment and then he leaned backward, preparing to stand.

"I just… I don't remember him confessing his feelings!" Mikey said and reached for Donnie's wrist, tugging on it. His desperation for this sudden revelation to be explained in greater detail left his body trembling. "I don't! I swear! I remember my brother telling me he loved me, but I thought…I thought he was just saying that because everyone else couldn't stand to look at me! I thought he was saying he loved me because he wanted me to know someone at least still did!"

Donatello jerked his hand from his and stood quickly, towering above him. "Yes, because that's always been your greatest failing – no one loving you. You've never been told you were loved and cherished and given everything you wanted from the love of your life and then told they never really loved you-" He choked a little, "-sure they tried and thought maybe they could learn to…but they never actually felt that way. They were just being nice." He panted dark eyes glassy.

Mike stared up at him, mouth falling open. He shifted slowly, moving to join him as he slid back up the door, his shell scraping it with a hiss. He stood before his brother, lifting his hands slightly as if dealing with a wild animal and he watched Donatello's lower lip quiver. "Don…"

A strangled sound escaped him and Donnie's palm slapped across his cheek. Mikey jerked, his hand lifting to protect his face and cradle his burning cheek as he stared wide-eyed at the turtle most commonly known as the gentle one. The quiet one. The pacifist.

The one who could rip you a new one if he actually got angry enough.

But there it was. Everything laid out in a nice neat row and Michelangelo watched Donnie squeeze his eyes shut, his hand held out from his body as if not knowing what to do with the soiled thing. Mike sniffled and hiccupped, wiping at his eyes.

So that's what happened. That's why it had taken a year for anything to start even feeling slightly normal. No one had been telling anyone the truth and poor Donnie got reamed twice over from it.

Donnie continued to hold his hand away from his body, his head dipping further, "You had Leo from the start."

"And then I tried to take Raphie from you." Mike whispered and Donnie drew into himself and raised his shoulders as if getting ready to crawl into his shell.

It finally made sense and it hurt and it was so confusing and Michelangelo had almost a dozen realizations to deal with all at once. But mostly, the one that mattered the most was why they hadn't been able to talk to one another. He had become the center of Donnie's pain. He surged forward and wrapped his arms about Donatello's shoulders, hiding his face against his neck. Don struggled but soon enough a choked sound escaped him and he clung to him.

"I'm so sorry, Donnie." He whispered, gripping him tighter.

"Leo has loved you from the beginning."

He pulled back to stare at Donatello, his brother's hands cupping his face and with the same hand that struck him, he apologized by soothing his cheek and washing away the waterworks streaming from his eye. The wet tracks on his face meant nothing compared to Donnie's defeated look even as he tried so hard to smile.

Mikey reached for him his hand shaking as he wiped at Don's cheek in return. "I'm so confused." He gripped at Donatello's shoulders, trying to stay standing.

"Why? It's fairly straight forward. He wants you, Mikey." He whispered back, swallowing hard.

"I just…" his mouth tried to talk but nothing came out.

The longer he stood there, the faster his heart danced in his chest and the higher his emotions rose. As if realizing this, Donatello, touched his sore cheek and inhaled sharply. "I'm sorry I slapped you."

An apology from Donnie – after everything he had done to him even if it was inadvertent – Mikey felt a shuddering breath gulp into his lungs and several more tears streaked from his eyes and ran down over Donnie's thumbs. "It's okay, I deserved it." He nodded when Don began to shake his head. "It was long overdue. Kinda makes me feel better we have it out of the way." He tried to smile and Don's lip curled up a little, hollow, but at least he was able to ease his guilt a tad.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Michelangelo's lip trembled and he clung to his brother. "I just don't know if I want him." He quivered and felt his tears slide free simply by admitting it.

* * *

"I advise against this, Leonardo." Splinter's warm voice was a a soothing balm to his soul, even with his tumultuous emotions sitting at the forefront.

The tatami mats under his knees felt solid, pliant, everything his Sensei and father was for him. He focused on the feel of the room, its warmth and the inviting atmosphere. The rich smell that instantly calmed his mind because it made him feel that of serenity. This room, if nowhere else, was home for Leonardo. It was where he hid when the burdens of youth weighed down on him, and it was where he spirited off too when he needed to bolster his resolve, and it was where he sought guidance.

Yet today; he bowed his head, weary and alone, and his haven was little more than a room with flickering candles, the musk of old incense, and a disapproving stare. He hated that stare. It made him feel as if he failed somehow; that he made his father think less of him.

"Father..." Leo's voice failed him. He shook his head and his throat hurt.

Splinter laid his hands upon his table, the little candle there quivering. "Your brothers need you."

"Not like how they did before. You've seen Raphael's improvement. With Donatello and he working together, they balance the other and lead effectively as a unit-"

"Leonardo, that is not what I am concerned with. You are their leader. They need you at the head of the family for balance in their own lives."

Leo closed his eyes, hiding away from Splinter's gaze, and he felt the air stir as his whiskers twitched.

"Leonardo, tell me what truly concerns you."

Silence. He knelt there, staring at the grain of his father's table, the rich color, the nicks and cuts, the bruises placed upon that table over the years. He traced the whorls of a knot and the way the grain flowed around it without concern, and all he could see was Michelangelo's face and he knew he could no longer flow knowing nothing could be returned. "I can't do this anymore, Sensei." He bowed forward, slow and deep till his brow met the backs of his fingers pressed against the mats. He sank into himself, a quaver in his lower belly that made his words hoarse and tight. "I'm getting in his way and leaving no room for healing. Distance is the only way to give myself the room to come to terms-"his chest tightened and he sipped at the air.

"Leonardo...?"

"He doesn't care for me..." he swallowed hard and he just wanted to feel the shadows embrace him in their numb and callous grasp. "Michelangelo doesn't return my love." He heard his gasp and Leo twitched, his body responding to the faint sound. "I can't stay here and pretend anymore."

He felt the inhale more than heard it and Leonardo remained where he was, but as the seconds ticked and the shadows lengthened, his fingers curled into fists and he grit his teeth, eyes squeezed shut.

"Leonardo?" Splinter's voice forced him to raise himself up, even if he remained slouched forward, fists pressed to the tatami mats and his eyes unseeing. Splinter moved at some point and he didn't notice. He felt his father touch his shoulders, waiting, then he placed two cool fingers under his chin, his claws scraping his flesh. His eyes rose to stare into those of his father's nearly solid black eyes. His breathing came faster and he focused on Splinter's steady gaze.

No mask remained anymore. It shattered in the dojo minutes ago.

Splinter's brows twisted and for a brief moment, Leonardo could see his father grieving for him. For his pain. For his heartache.

"Have you spoken with him?"

He couldn't answer right away because he felt it, in his chest, similar to the scream Donatello had set free in that little room in the warehouse a year ago. But he couldn't debase himself, so he swallowed, focused on breathing and though his eyes felt hot and heavy, they remained dry and he nodded once; a small up and down motion. "He doesn't want me." He whispered and he inhaled sharp, releasing it hard and shaky.

Splinter bowed his head, his fingers twitching against Leo's skin and he pulled back, out of his reach, out of Splinter's personal space because if he remained there, feeling his energy and how it dipped and threatened tore sink him further into the inky depths, he wouldn't be able to deal with any of this.

"I need to go. I need to…to leave to come to term with my emotions and the impact this will have on us as a team, on me as a leader. I'm not even certain I am fit to lead now."

He just talked, saying the right things at the right time as he knelt there, eyes sightless, his father's robes as a blurry background.

"I wish you well on your journey." Splinter said.

Leo looked to him, seeing him for just a moment as he dragged himself out of his fog and he nodded, bowing his head. He thought he would have to fight harder than this to convince his father to let him leave. The look on his face though; the sympathy and shared grief – if that was a reflection of his own face, he understood now. He didn't look like Leonardo anymore, he looked destroyed.

"Just write. Every week. That is all I ask of you, my son." Splinter sat patiently before him, looking so poised and back straight and Leo couldn't care to try and mimic him. He bobbed his head, eyes dropping to his father's lap, staring at the way his long fingers curled together, looking so delicate and yet knowing the skill that lay there.

"When are you planning to leave?"

"Immediately." He whispered and bowed his head further, eyes closing the moment he heard his father's sigh. "I'll try and catch a plane-"

"Tomorrow."

"Father-"

"Tomorrow evening. It will allow you more time to pack and prepare for the journey." His voice left no room for argument.

Leonardo swallowed hard and he could only nod because the lair felt too small around him, like at any moment whispers of his shame would slither from the walls and rend at his flesh. He suddenly couldn't breathe and he bowed forward, "May I be excused to my room now? I have much to do." He didn't care how his voice cracked at the end or the fact he couldn't face his father. What little pride he had, was gone. Just a hole remained in the pit of his stomach and hope slid down into it, over the side, and gone from view.

"Leonardo…"

"Please…" He hissed and his shoulders shook.

Splinter's soft exhale gave him all the permission he needed and he stood, fleeing his study draped in a fog. Still, he pushed his shoulders back, chin held high, and he moved swift and silent – though he never once looked up from the floor.

* * *

The two stood quietly for some time, wiping tears - or in Mikey's case, snot - away before they sat down right there on the floor, shells to the door and leaning against the other in a warm huddle that lasted forever. Michelangelo played Leo's words in his head over and over, juggling them without rest. He also waited, letting Donatello build up his questions till they burst out.

Donnie took Mike's hand suddenly, leaning on him and resting his head on his shoulder. "Start from the beginning." He whispered.

Mikey blushed, fidgeting with Donnie's fingers, "Leo's been really great to me this last year. He never lied about me having screwed up, but he never made me feel like…like trying was wrong, just how I went about it." He whispered. "The last couple months I've really been...thinking about him." He felt his face warm up and his tail wiggled nervously against the cold floor. "He's said things that made me think, 'huh, he likes that too.' And it got me...uh...noticing him. Like the convention...he went because I asked, and - and he tried to enjoy it with me, even though that totally isn't his thing." He shrugged his free shoulder.

"But, the last couple months, he's seemed sad. I've wanted to ask what's wrong, but…" He shook his head and then rested his cheek on Don's head. "You know him. He wouldn't give me a straight answer even if I did ask. Anyway, I just started thinking he was really great…he's a really….awesome guy." he stared at his toes, wiggling them.

He felt Don nod against his shoulder, his fingers tracing along Mikey's knuckles. "He is. He's wonderful. He always tried so hard to keep our relationship personal, and tried so hard to keep training and leadership and ninja duties out of it. It's an important part of him, but he understands that it's not the same for all of us." He sighed and Mikey tried to peek down at his face. "He was a really great boyfriend…"

Michelangelo chuckled then, "You make it sound like Raphie is a quarter short of the dollar."

Donatello sat up and frowned, looking Mikey in the eyes. "No, Mikey, Raphael is a hundred dollar bill."

That snapped his mouth shut and he looked to his knees, studying the freckle he had there.

"It's just different. They are different people. Leo was….very attentive. Raph is too, just in his own way. He does more for me than Leo ever did, just as there are things that Leo did for me that Raph doesn't.

"Leo was wonderful, but, Raph is better for me. I know that without any doubts. We're both very independent. He doesn't nag me the way Leo did; and still does; about getting out of the lab. Just like I know Raph needs his surface time; he in turn understands my lab time is similar. And we also know that if we need the other, we will drop everything and come running."

Donatello rubbed his elbow, dropping his eyes. "Raph reassures me and makes me feel so loved, and...and I think because Leo loved you from the start, he never made me feel like that. I was always double guessing his feelings. Raphie doesn't let a day go by without reminding me how much he loves me. An unexpected kiss...bringing me lunch...he once found this busted up remote car and gave it to me because he said he thought of me when he saw it." And there it was, this smile that graced Donnie's face and his eyes - so hollow and dark - lit up like the Fourth of July in a swirl of chocolate and caramel - all because he was thinking of Raph.

Mikey thought about that, how Don was so wonderful to them all and how he showed his love for his family by providing for them; but to see that light, that joy in Donnie because his Raphie-boy gave him something none of them could, he suddenly was jealous.

"But Leo-"Donnie continued, his brows knotted and he tilted his head, looking to Mikey , ordering him with his eyes to pay attention. "Leo is patient and quiet, and he could never say no to me. I think...I think he believes that because love – the truly worthwhile kind – grows slowly over time. I think he thought that he could come to love me. Not because he was just taking what he could get; that's not him. He knew he could be happy with me. So he tried. He really did, right till the end." Donatello shrugged.

Michelangelo flashed a half-hearted smile with a mixture of apology and smugness, "But my animal magnetism couldn't be erased and he had to be honest with himself?"

Donnie snorted at that and raised a brow at him but a hint of amusement finally slipped past the bad memories and he nodded, "Yeah. I think he started to realize that he could love me, sure, but to love someone and to be in love with someone-"

"It's just different." Mikey whispered and Donnie nodded. He scooted closer then and slid his arm through Mike's left one to hug it to his side, head bowed toward him. Michelangelo swallowed hard, his throat tightening. He hadn't realized how much he missed this. Mike was tactile, he had to touch and hug and tease by hanging all over his brothers to show them his love and adoration. It was why he curled himself around his brothers, or draped himself across their shoulders – he had to be close and feel them and allow them to feel him to confirm they were there with him. Having basically been cut off from Donnie for the last year, Mikey soaked in his affection like a sponge and gripped at his hand resting on his bicep.

Donatello studied his forearm and traced patterns on his skin with his free hand, humming softly. Mikey could just imagine dozens of little Donnies hard at work inside his head, running a master computer as they formulated his next question. "Do you love, Leo?"

Mikey opened his mouth then shut it, hesitating. "I think I'm getting there." He whispered.

"What do you like about him?"

He started to respond but then he stopped and he just didn't know the answer to that. Not right away. He thought back over the last year, remembering what had started making him get butterflies in his belly. He felt selfish after he realized it all centered mostly around Leo simply paying attention to him and always bringing him what he needed or wanted – like the soda on movie night.

Attentive. That's what Donnie said.

"Leo is all about family, Mikey. His goals aren't like ours. He was put in charge of our family for many reasons, but the main one I believe is that….I think Splinter put him in charge not just because he is a good leader, but because he was the only one who could shoulder the responsibility of doing whatever was necessary for the family. His love for all of us keeps us safe even at the cost of his own life….his own dreams."

Mikey nodded, twining his fingers with Donnie's.

A knock sounded on the door.

"Hey, ya okay in there? I heard shoutin'."

They scooted over, giving the door just enough room to scrape open and allow Raphael inside. He raised a brow at the two on the floor and Mikey gave him a grin.

"My butt's numb." He told him with a wiggle of his toes and Raph snorted, moving over to take a seat on Donnie's left, his arms resting on his knees.

"Take it you two are makin' up?"

"Yeah…" Donnie whispered.

Mikey smirked, "Wanna watch? I think we're just about to kiss."

Raphael glared, his amber eyes flaming. "No."

Michelangelo laughed then leaned over, pecking a kiss against Donnie's cheek. "Now are you jealous?"

Raphael growled a little in his throat and though he didn't snatch Donnie away from him, he did slide his arm around his chest and nudge him closer to his side.

Chuckling and leaning back against the door, watching them both, he realized it didn't hurt anymore. He was happy for them; even his little crush on Raph wasn't affected. It was, like, sure, he was attracted to him. Raphael was hot – for a mutant turtle – but he didn't demand the same emotional attention Mikey was feeling towards Leo.

"They're just different." Mikey whispered and Donnie blinked, staring at him with a slight tilt of his head and questing dark eyes. Mike shrugged back and looked down at his toes, fidgeting them together as his belly flittered. "I think I get it now." He whispered and he saw Don smile from the corner of his eye.

"What did I miss? Other than Mikey being a complete whore and kissing everyone in the family."

"Hey! I resent that! If Donnie sleeps with me he'll have slept with everyone in the whole family!"

"Don't drag me into this." Donatello glared and pushed Raphael's arm off of him and struggled to his feet, dusting off his backside and kicking his right leg – which obviously had gone to sleep on him. "I wasn't the one putting the moves on anyone."

"Oh please, you liked you. Can't blame you, how can anyone resist the Mikester?" he raised his hands to the sides, presenting himself like a glorious prize sent down from the Gods of Old.

"Easily." Raph grunted and Mikey pouted, only to get a punch in the shoulder.

"Ow!"

"Be nice. I'm not in the mood to set broken bones today." Donnie scolded, hands on his hips.

"But he started it! I'm the cute one, remember? He's the Grumpy-McGrump Pants one."

"I'll give you grumpy." Raph growled and Mikey squealed and scrambled off the floor to hide behind Donnie. Though he was confused about where he and Leo stood right then, that was okay – love was supposed to be confusing and complicated. Brothers though, they were a constant he'd rather keep forever in perfect working order.

* * *

Raphael sat on the edge of Donnie's worktable, bent forward with his elbows on his knees as he watched Mikey leave with shoulders back. Something had happened during their talk that left Mikey looking – taller.

Like a man.

Rubbing his neck and curling into himself a little, Donatello turned from the door and inched toward Raphael once more, his mind clicking and twirling.

Snorting, Raph reached out and snagged his elbow, pulling him close and between his legs. "What?" He demanded, draping his arms over Donatello's shoulders and leaning down, resting his forehead against his mate's brow.

Donnie shrugged a little and laid his hands upon Raphael's thighs, eyes down and lips thin.

"Don…."

"Mikey didn't know Leo loved him."

That got an eyebrow raise out of him. "Huh? How the hell didn't he notice it? Fearless was rather blatant about it for the last few months."

"I know." His fingers moved up and laced through Raph's obi, his head tilting up and his nose nudged his. "Raphie…"

Raphael kissed him, slow and deep, forcing Donatello to churr before he relented and pulled back, a small smirk creeping over his lips. "Don't worry."

"I can't help it." He lifted his face, cheeks flushed and hands tracing along his shell and shoulders. "I…I want them happy too-"

"Of course, yer a good brother." Raphael said and pulled back just enough so he could return the favor and he ran his fingers along Donatello's body, dipping and teasing places he knew very well by now. "And I say, as a good brother to Mikey, ya let him do whatever the hell he's plannin' on doin' ta Fearless and you enjoy a bit of your own winnings." He rumbled deep in his chest and grinned at the shiver Don made.

"I have too much work…" he whispered, looking about the lab. "I don't really want to clean up-"his blush increased but the smile in his eyes sent a thrill through Raph's belly.

"Don't have ta clean up." Raphael chuckled and leaned forward, his eyes shining. "I say we find a shadow and make-out. Ya can get me all hot and bothered, and then walk away."

Donatello chuckled, pushing further between Raphael's legs. "Oh? And in heaven's name, why would you want me to do that?"

"'Cause I got twenty-bucks sayin' ya won't be able ta stop." Raph flashed him a grin and a waggle of his brows.

He laughed then and pulled back, taking Raphael's hand. "Forty says I can and you will be the one who won't be able to stop." That smoldering look within dark eyes challenged Raphael to take the bet.

"Done! Say goodbye to yer cash!" He was happy to see that the worry had left Donatello, even if it was rather underhanded of him with ulterior motives. It was just as he said during one of their late night talks – Donnie and he couldn't interfere, it wasn't their place. Thus, it wasn't Don's place to worry for them. What he should be worried about was taking on challenges he wouldn't be able to compete against.

Laughing like teenagers again, they pulled one another back into the darkened recesses of Donatello's lab. It was just close enough to the door to get caught for the thrill, and with just enough shadows for the intimacy to engulf them and leave them gasping as they kissed and pawed at the other. Slow sweet kisses peppering their lips with fluttering of nibbles along necklines, and then desperate and hungry kisses that left one pushed up against the wall and hands grabbing at asses and tails to pull them closer.

They ultimately had to end their game at a draw.

* * *

Leonardo knelt before his old and battered table upon a paisley green cushion with a dark, empty canvas bag laid open to his right. He leaned forward and opened the middle drawer of his dresser where he kept his smaller weapons and pulled out several leather wrapped items. Half gathered supplies began to accumulate upon the table he used most often for personal meditation and kanji studies. He catalogued the survival gear already present and made note of what he needed to add. Flint and steel (because matches weren't always reliable), a pen and some stamps for those letters Splinter wanted, good length of rope, and he wondered if Donnie still had that military canteen and cooking set. It would make it easier than last time…

It just didn't feel like his room with the disarray. It didn't feel like his sanctuary or his place of reprieve from his brothers. He was exposed here just as much as if he stood in the center of the lair with a neon pink sign saying he was leaving.

Leonardo turned, the shuffling of feet echoing in the silent lair on the other side of his door. He inhaled slow and deep, his muscles tightening under the stress and despair. He looked away as the door knob turned and he tightened his jaw, teeth clenched.

"Hey…uh…can I come in?" Michelangelo asked, poking his head inside.

Leo didn't respond right away, his belly knotting up and he set the wrapped bundle of throwing stars back down on the table. He finally nodded, forcing his eyes up and he couldn't stop his heart from skipping. It hurt all the more.

Michelangelo stepped inside quietly and closed the door, his head bowed and his hands fidgeting in front of him. "I, uh, I thought we should talk."

He turned away, staring at the leather wrapped throwing stars and the compass, and he took them, quietly putting them into the bag atop a set of clothing and a blanket. He couldn't listen to this. He didn't want too. He was leaving, wasn't that enough? As much as he longed for Mikey right down to his soul, he didn't want to talk to him.

The canvas hissed against his calloused fingers and Mikey flopped down, sitting beside him on one of the pillows next to his table.

"Leo?"

"I can't, Mikey. I just can't…." He swallowed and grabbed blindly for something else on the table, hands shaking.

"Can't what….what are you doing?" He sat up slowly, placing a hand on the table as he inspected everything.

He dropped his eyes and Leo felt Mikey's turn back to him, boring into him.

"What are you doing-"his voice quavered and Leo stared at the table, his chest tight.

This had to be done. It had to be. For him, the world was bare and empty. He was just realizing it. Without Michelangelo as more, the world remained static and cold. But for Mikey, his world continued to turn and change and warm him. It wasn't fair to Mike to linger in the shadows, and it wasn't fair to himself to lock himself away in this half-life of meaningless longing.

"I've already talked to Splinter, he agrees this is best." He said and lifted his hand with only a hint of effort to reach for the hunting knife and stuffing it into the bag at his side.

"Wha-" Mike's voice choked and suddenly his hands grabbed at him, scrambling across his shoulders and arms till Leo darted out and siezed his wrists, jerking them to a stop. Breath ragged and Michelangelo practically in his lap, their eyes locked and Mike's lower lip trembled.

They breathed together, shakey and frightened, and Leo wanted to just lie, tell him everything would be all right and...and beg him for a kiss, just one. A kiss to last him till he could come to terms with never being with him. Their eyes dropped across his body and to the bag of supplies, the jagged teeth of the zipper a reminder this was it. Michelangelo looked back and his blue eyes stared wide and disbelieving at him.

Leonardo jerked away from him, stumbling, uncoordinated. He couldn't become this.

"Leo!" Mikey screamed, his voice reverberating through the lair, bouncing off the walls, shrill and desperate, his name becoming a banshee cry that collapsed into silence.

Leonardo held still, his door banging as Mikey raced after him, his fists hitting his shell. He swayed forward on his toes at the force, a strangled sound coming from Mikey's throat.

"What are you doing? You aren't…you can't!" Mikey grabbed his arm, squeezing it, anchoring him in place and he stood before him, moving like a dream as he commanded his attention. Leo's throat hurt staring at him, his fingers twitching feeling him so close.

Ever since he was a child, Leonardo had always had something in his core that demanded he care for his siblings and be an example to them. He never allowed himself to do the things Raphael did, because he knew it would disappoint their father. He never allowed himself the freedom to explore and find himself like Donatello, because he knew his place years before his father had placed him in charge. He never allowed himself to be silly and free like Michelangelo because it could get someone killed in battle if he wasn't the one who remained alert and ready at all times. Leonardo had tried so hard to never give his brothers any reason to be disappointed in him. He drove himself to be everything they needed him to be for them. Caretaker, disciplinarian, friend, brother….

Yet seeing those large blue eyes filled with tears, his brows knotted together, and lips moved in silent askance – he knew he had failed Michelangelo.

"I have to leave." He whispered and tore his eyes away and pushed past him and opened the door, fleeing the lair.

* * *

Leo bowed his head and Michelangelo pulled his hands free with a jerk, almost as if he were burnt from his words. Then he was gone, running from him. He heard down below Raphael and Donatello, their feet stomping up the stairs, the hiss of the door as it closed, Donnie's first hesitant question, Raphael's demands. He didn't hear them. He didn't see them.

"He's leaving…" He whispered then pushed past them, struggling to open the door again and he ducked through it the moment it opened. He ran blindly, chasing him, pure instinct guiding him.

The sewers were home to him. He was used to their darkness, their enclosed spaces, the smell, the hissing of pipes. But Michelangelo ran blindly in their cramped recesses, shaking from the ominous blackness or the snarling sounds, the drips, the reek. He felt so alone.

He found the manhole uncovered, a stream of light jetting down into the dark like a beacon and Michelangelo leapt for the ladder, climbing, up and up, higher onto the street up the buildings and to the rooftops and he ran, spying a leaping form just a few buildings ahead.

"Leo!" He screamed and stumbled, catching himself and then resuming his chase. His body numb, his legs like jelly, but his muscles remembered what to do and they carried him over the buildings in an extreme game of Ninja Tag. They ran forever, out of Chinatown, through the business quarter, past the neighborhoods and back around till they hit Little Italy.

Leonardo finally stopped and fell to his knees, panting, sweat pouring from them. Mikey landed, never slowing, nearly tripping himself as he lifted a foot and shoved Leo hard, flipping him to his back and he leapt, grabbing his shoulders, straddling his waist and he shook his head, trying to just breathe.

Leo's hands hovered between them, curled and small, and they trembled. Leonardo's hands were supposed to be firm and steady; Leo's lip wasn't supposed quiver. Mikey's heart shattered. He shook his head. He was scared. He had not seen Leo this wrecked, not since the Shredder sent him flying through April's window special delivery and then torched the antique store. Why was Leo doing this? How could he?

"I have to-"he panted.

"Don't you dare leave! Don't you fucking dare! You can't do this to us." He choked, his hands grabbing at his broad shoulders, scrambling against his cool skin as if just touching him would keep him from disappearing.

"Mike-"

"You can't keep running away from things you don't understand! You're leaving nearly killed us last time and we won't survive this." The heat of his skin was zapped away by Leo's silence and Mikey curled his fingers around the back of the elder's neck, tugging on him, forcing him closer. "I thought everything was okay…you just can't leave. Not when I'm starting to..." he choked on his words and began to shake, his eyes feeling hot and throat closing on him. The wind washed over them and Mikey shivered, the tears on his cheeks growing chill.

Leonardo pushed him back suddenly and he slid down into his lap as Leo loomed over him once again, his hand gripping his elbow. "Then tell me why." Leo's words hissed, lost and hopeless. Leo wasn't supposed to sound like that. "Give me a reason why I should stay."

A sobbing sound escaped Mikey and he wiped at his eyes with his fist, tears running down the length of his arm in hot rivulets. "You're love confession sucked, you know that? I seriously didn't know!"

Leo swallowed hard, his Fearless Leader mask gone and Michelangelo couldn't honestly say he had ever seen that look on Leonardo's face before. He looked so…heartbroken.

"I didn't know that's what you meant when you said you loved me last year. I thought you were being my big brother, not some confused love-sick puppy." He said, wiping his nose. "I'm just now starting to feel things about you and…. I don't know what to say or what to do because I think you're mad at me-" his voice disappeared and Mikey bowed forward, wiping at his cheeks, gasping for air. He felt betrayed and he pounded his fists against Leo's chest, weak and miserable because this…Leo wasn't supposed to leave again. Leo wasn't supposed to ever leave them. He was supposed to be here for them and be his rock. Leo wasn't supposed to be just as confused and sad looking as he felt. Leo was supposed to be confident and a tight-ass and all about the rules…

Is this what being in love and in grief at the same time looked like? It looked horrible. It felt horrible.

"Mikey-"

"I can't figure out my feelings without you." Michelangelo squeaked, strangling the words out.

A car horn blared from the streets below and jolted him.

His chest burst and his lower lip trembled with terror. He gasped in each breath with desperate effort. Leonardo stared at his shoulder, a hand hovering above his knee and he looked to be spinning where he sat.

"I need you here…" Mikey shifted on his lap, catching Leo's rather yummy looking eyes. He hadn't realized how pretty they were; just dark enough to seem mysterious but with flecks of honey and a smattering of reds around the iris. But if he left, he wouldn't be able to make these sudden realizations or begin to feel those changes in his emotions. Leo was so gentle with him. Why hadn't he seen that before? "Leo?"

"You're serious?" he choked out and Leo bowed his head and his face contorted, so pained and confused, so desperate and yet; it almost looked like he didn't know if he could believe what he was telling him.

Mikey reached out to him, his cheeks turning hot in two seconds flat as he curled his arm around Leo's shoulders, "Yeah." He sniffled.

He swallowed hard, his hand trembling in the air as it still hovered above his knee.

"Leo? What is it?" Mikey touched his plastron, the heat between them making his head swim even as their masks whipped up into the air from a gust of wind that swirled around them like a hurricane that traveled up and faded into the evening sky.

"I'd given up hope." Leo's whisper just barely made it to Mike's ears. "I was leaving because…because if you didn't love me, I couldn't torture myself. I had to find a way to get over you." His voice low, words trickling forth all while muddied eyes gazed at him.

"I can't promise anything." Mikey bit his lower lip. "I…I want to try and stuff because; well…" He blushed and swallowed hard. "But I don't know yet. Its still-"

"I know." Leo looked at him then, and Michelangelo could almost feel how close Leo was to tumbling over the edge with relief. It was a lot of information to take in.

"I…I've only had, like, an hour to deal with this. I mean, I've kinda just started to like you and then you-"

"No pressure." Leonardo breathed and Mikey snapped his mouth shut and tilted his head, his chest tight and his heart beat too fast. How could Leo do that? Wait a year, give up hope and what, just live with the waiting around and never knowing?

He fell forward, hugging him, hiding his face against his solid chest and he just didn't know. He didn't have the right words for this. Leo was always better at diplomacy than him. He just...what was he supposed to say?

Leonardo's arms wrapped around him slowly, almost like he was afraid he would fade away in a puff of smoke. He hugged him tight, adding to the warmth that filled his belly and shivered up his spine. A faint quiver ripped through his lungs as Mikey breathed against his neck.

His stomach growled.

"Hungry?"

Mikey choked back a wet laugh and he pulled back to wipe at his cheeks and eyes as they teared up from the humor as he realized where they were. They were sitting atop a pizza joint. He nodded quickly, sniffling and wished the ugly uncertainty of not knowing what to do now would go away. He had never...were they dating? What did they do now? Were they supposed to go and hold hands? What did they even talk about? They knew each other so well already.

Yet, as always, Leo knew exactly the right thing to say.

"Let's go get some pizza."

* * *

"So get this, Silver Sentry then swoops in and he and Tsunami tag-team each other. Tsunami starts summoning waves from a lake and Silver Sentry starts using his breath attack and turns the water into millions of ice daggers and they fly at the enemy, puncturing the hull of the ships of the alien invader! But at the last second, the aliens attack back and they fire! Silver Sentry is hit and he goes barreling into Tsunami and the aliens use an immobilizing ray to capture them!" Mikey was on his feet, his hands waving about as he talked and his teeth snapping at the pizza in one hand when he paused long enough to breath.

Leonardo ate his pizza quietly as he listened, a faint smile on his face. They were still up on the pizza restaurant's rooftop, sitting on the edge with their feet dangling, though at some point Mikey leapt to his feet and was ledge walking as he skipped about, practically reinacting the story he had read in his comics.

He tilted his head as he popped the last of his pizza into his mouth and dusted his hands free of crumbs. Michelangelo stopped suddenly and glanced at him then back to his pizza and sat down quickly, taking a large bite. He chewed, swinging his legs back and forth, munching a little softer than he normally would.

"What happens next?" Leo asked, opening the pizza box and pulling out a fresh slice. He figured he could indulge a little. If this evening went nowhere else, he wanted it to be a good memory.

"Huh? Oh, I don't know. I have to wait till next month's issue comes out." He said, licking his lips and swinging his feet. "Hey, uh, Leo? Can I ask ya something?" Mikey picked at the pizza crust, fidgeting where he sat.

Leonardo dropped his eyes and inhaled slowly; was this to be the axe? "Of course, Mikey."

"I-I get why I have a crush on you. You're like the small town football star that is also great at school and is eager to take over the family business. Compared to the rest of us, you're an all-star. You, like, know exactly where your life is going. But, what I don't get is why you like me." He hunkered down, head bowing, his pizza soon looking like it was disected by a two year old.

Leonardo paused and set his pizza back into the box, the cardboard scraping the sides. He then turned, giving him a better position to talk to Mikey. It took a moment, filtering through all the things he adored about Michelangelo, but when he looked back to him, the fluttering tails of his orange mask, the way he stuffed his pizza into mouth to keep from interupting, and his blue eyes staring wide and huge; Leo breathed deep to calm his hammering heart, and he relaxed as everything fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle revealing the secret of life centered around a pair of blue eyes. "Because you make me smile."

Michelangelo's cheeks blushed and he looked away, nibbling on the crust and wiggling where he sat. The fact Mikey remained silent didn't make him nervous at all. It warmed him up and the feeling fought off the crisp evening breeze. He soaked in the sight of Michelangelo acting so shy even as he began to grin from the compliment.

"You too." Mikey said, a hushed whisper before he raised his eyes demure and honest.

He smiled, small and relaxed, his heel tapping against the brick wall.

"So...what else?"

He chuckled and dipped his head, catching the smile that beamed from Mikey. His eyes shining, a flush on his cheeks and his feet pinwheeling beneath him joyously. "Well, you challenge me to work hard. If I had even half of your raw talent, I'd be undefeated-"

"But cocky as hell."

"You're honest." He smirked and Mikey shrugged with a shy grin. "And , I know you'll always be there. You are loud and annoying at times, and you are a drama queen;" he paused and he could see the discomfort setting in, "but you are loyal, giving. You..." he tilted his head, hesitating a moment, looking down to Mikey's fingers and how they gripped together tight. "You remind me that life isn't simply black and white. You give us all reason to smile, because your love of life guides us. I may be leader to the team, but you lead us every day by reminding us what the important things in life are."

Mikey began to shake his head but Leo simply nodded, looking directly at him.

Jerking his eyes away, Michelangelo stared out at the city, his throat bobbing and orange tails brushing over his shoulders. The lights of the city illuminated behind him like a never-ending sunset. For a brief moment, Leonardo wondered if he said too much, went too far. Then he stood.

Leonardo followed Mikey's graceful form as he rose. On silent feet, he made his way around the pizza box and sat beside him. They were shoulder to shoulder, Leo facing the world, Mikey facing back out at the roof of the building. His toes curled in the gravel of the rooftop with a little bounce of his knee and Leo watched him from the corner of his eyes. Face red and eyes down, Mikey slid his hand along the ledge, grazed his palm over the top of Leo's. His fingers cold atop his, Leonardo turned his palm and threaded Mikey's fingers through his to warm them, his own cheeks heating up.

It was a dream, really, this was more than he had hoped for. He hoped...

"Dude, pass the pizza…please?"

"Of course." And Leo saw him smile.


End file.
